My ex-girlfriend broke up with me for almost a month now, however we still have communication through text, chat and would see each other 1-2x a week?

Hello, I'm very new here, just wanted to share & get some advice. I dated this girl for almost 4 years, she was my best friend, I was her first boyfriend, we enjoyed each others company and were comfortable with each other, lots of good memories even talking about the future, I'm 30, she's 28. I can only recall a few disagreements between us. What happened is that she went through stress/depression, even claimed that maybe she has BPD, Bi Polar or Borderline Personality Disorder which I don't believe. She is stressed at work, working around 10-12 hours a day and adding to it, is her family issues that affects her so much. She was in denial that she has changed, lost her identity, because she used to be a happy & optimistic girl until late May 2014, she started to become anxious, pessimistic and short tempered. Her reason to break up with me is that she does not want to drag me down with her issues especially with her family since we're not yet married, also to protect the good relationship, she wanted space & for us to be friends as she can't balance her life anymore & does not have time for herself, I accepted it, acted mature, by not begging or pleading to her, however I still cried in front of her, she feels bad for doing this to us, especially to me which made her say that she does not deserve me because of my kindness and that the problem is her I totally have nothing to do with it. There is no 3rd party issue here, our friends know that we already broke up but the problem is she does not want our parents/families (who are close) to know because they will be hurt, which will hurt her more. She wanted to distance herself from everyone including me. Any advice on what should I do? She wants me to go on dates so I could move on, however I told her I'm still in love with her, still care for her and wouldn't want to go on any dates. She texts and chats me first, then I will reply but it's not like before, I'll see her if she wants me to but I don't initiate at all.
By the way, she still uses our endearment whenever she texts, chats or sees me.
Hi guys, a quick update since we chatted yesterday, what can you say about this? She said "I'm confused if it's love that I feel in the relationship or am I just so comfortable and that it's such a shame if I get out"


Most Helpful Girl

  • She's being honest with you about her Personal problems, about All of her 'Issues,' and may very well, for what I can see-------Not want to drag you down with her, like some anchor. And she is also being sincere with you, telling you she wants you as her 'Friend,' and with this-----Wants You in her life.
    At this point in time, being she is distancing herself from everyone, including you, the only thing you can do is be supportive as her Good friend, and be this shoulder she can lean on. If you pressure her in any, shape or form, she will feel cornered and back off completely. I know that you don't want that. She has to be handled with kid gloves. It's what you need to do if you say you love her this much.
    Might I suggest you speak to her about seeing a therapist. It sounds as though she Does indeed have mental issues, which will Only get worse. There's no harm in sending her a message of love and friendship every day. But I do suggest you start as well to concentrate on your own life... Don't wait around for things to go back to the old times. It may never happen. She is Telling you to do this. It's what she feels is best for you.
    Good luck. xx

    • Thank you so much for your great insight Paris13, here are some of her exact words: "I can't work properly anymore because I kept thinking, maybe I'm already hurting others without me knowing especially you, your'e the person that I could not afford to get affected and hurt, I'd rather suffer than you" I'm not confident enough to tell her to see a therapist yet, because things actually happened very quickly.

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    • Thanks again Paris, I'm not expecting anything as well. Just saw her today to let her know that I left her milk in the fridge then told her I'll be leaving for I had an appointment, she was curious enough to ask where I was going or what would I do. She also showed me that she wore the trousers that we bought last night.

    • You're so welcome.. hope I helped you some.. I think by you being 'casual' and just there, makes her feel more comfortable like the trousers you both last nite... Gives her room to breath, space... It's something... xx

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What Girls Said 2

  • Welcome to girls ask guys! So back to what you explained it seems like the relationship wouldn't work out even if you were to get back together. She seems to hwve a lit of problems in her life and some obstacles to overcome, she could possibly want to deal with them alone as absurd as that may be. Give her the time and space she needs, and for right now just be the friend she can always count on, because she needs it especially from you.:) good luck!

    • Thanks for the welcome crazygg, what made you say that the relationship wouldn't work out if we were to get back together? This is actually the first time she admitted that she does not know what she's going through anymore. When giving herr the time and space she needs, am I doing good enough of not texting or chatting her first? And seeing her only when she asks to?

  • don't text or see her anymore maybe she will change her mind if she don't move on..

    • Hi dark-night, if I do this, wouldn't it make us more distant?

What Guys Said 2

  • Just give up on her man... not worth it... I know you're "in love with her", but the more time you spend apart, the less you will... I wasted 6 months trying to get back with an ex.. I was so blinded by how much of a bitch she was. It was only after those six months that I decided to give up, and thank God I did, because I met a new girl.

    You should really do the same thing.

    • Hi Monsieur_Gamma, may I ask how long were you together with your ex and what you did on those 6 months?

    • It wasn't long, but the pain was still there - one month, so it was barely a relationship. I was with another ex for 3,5 years though, and that was horrible as she was constantly calling and texting me about her new guy when I was away travelling... it took 5 months to full get over her/forget about her. Travelling, meeting new people - including new girls - helped me get over her.

    • I just can't imagine that you were in pain even for just a month in the relationship, how much more if you're in for 3 or 5 years? Maybe your ex of 3,5 years was just missing you by making you jealous. As of the moment, we still communicate with my ex but not as often before & as I said I'm still in love with her & have no plans of dating other women. We even saw each other & talked last Monday & I can see that she is so stressed :(

  • I'd say the 1st thing you need to do is to be honest with yourself. Would you be ok with her suddenly talking to you (as a friend) about her new fling or relationship? If you are not ready to handle that, then I'd say it would be best for you to stop communicating with her, at least until you get your feeling straightened (might take a while).

    I think there's a reason she's telling you to date other people. It's very nice of you to be the emotional support she wants, but not if it destroys you from the inside.

    • Thanks for the great insight Crazyced, as of now, she's not seeing anyone, for she said I don't even have time for myself, why would I have time for that. I'm not so sure if she is just testing me of my love for her if I should go on dates.

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