Boyfriend is looking for someone exactly like me but it's not me that he wants?

We've been living together for 4 yrs. I'm 41 he's 44. I just caught him talking to several women on dating sites. It doesn't seem as if he's met any in person yet but it looks like he wants to try to meet one or more of them in the near future. Some of the things he was saying he wants in a relationship are thing I already give him. Once I confronted him about it he got furious with me. I am still I'm complete shock and although I am leaving our home I am just numb right now and haven't the slightest clue as to what I'm going to do now. He is always saying that I don't do this good enough or I didn't do that right but he's basically looking for someone exactly like me. His friends and family think I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him but apparently he doesn't share their opinion. I'm just so confused as to why he wants someone who is just like me why isn't he content with the fact that he already has what he's looking for? I'm just so confused and brokenhearted and I don't know how to make any sense of any of this.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I am so sorry to hear this. He has lost sight of what he has. He hasn't appreciated the gift he has.
    It's easy to forget all the time and things that have gone into a relationship. Thinking the grass is greener over there.
    You have to decide if this is worth working on and salvaging. He has to be fully committed to his part too. A long open honest discussion must happen. You might even have to seek professional help.
    I am not excusing his behavior, but there must be a reason behind it. You both have to talk openly and honestly and listen to what the other says. He hasn't told you what is wrong in his eyes fairly. You don't just bash your partner and tell them all their short comings. He needs to learn how to express properly to you what he wants and needs, as do you. Then work on making each other happy together.
    If you want it to work and he does to, it will be hard and take a lot, but it can be done.
    If he won't step to the plate fully, you will only drag out your pain and heartache.
    I wish you luck. If I can help in any other way, please reach out.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Maybe he likes what he has with you but is no longer in love with YOU...
    Maybe he wants the same thing but with someone new who excites him again.

    I know... sounds stupid, but it's true. Men can't compromise (if they can it's very rarely) and they think they have soooooo much time to find the perfection they're looking for, but they'll just end up sad and alone.

    All in all - he's a jackass who doesn't deserve you or the things you do for him!


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What Guys Said 5

  • Don't be a stepping stool, it's not you it's him. Believe it or not, you will be for the better. I was baptized in commissioning school, God called me out of a very bad relationship. He showed me a plethora of things afterwards. One of them was this, simple but for some reason I didn't get it until He highlighted it to me. It sounds like he is a taker and you are the giver...

    • Divine Wisdom dictates there are three kinds of relationships. The first is inhabited by two takers, short lived at best. When one or the other is done taking it is over. The second relationship is inhabited by a taker an a giver. It can go on for a very long time. The taker will take as long as the giver can give. The giver needs to be given to or they will eventually be sucked dry. This relationship is doomed to failure due to the fact it is unequally balanced. The last relationship is inhabited by two givers, HEAVEN on earth. Two people trying to out give each other. If you are not in a relationship that consists of two givers then I suggest you keep looking for the right relationship, it will save you a bunch of heart ache...

    • Show All
    • You do realize that our privacy is not so private anymore. And if the Secret service got wind of your threat, they are required to investigate it...

    • # waitingfortheknockatthedoor

  • We're only hearing your side, so it's easy to say 'he's an ungrateful jerk and you deserve better'.

    There's a good chance that the truth is 'he's an ungrateful jerk and you deserve better'.

    But in the interest of being careful, what are the things that he complains about in your relationship?

    How's your sex life (which as well as being important is something his friends and family wouldn't be judging you on most likely)?

    What's changed?

  • You need a more open (hart to hart) communication about what you both need/want, meaning what you like and dislike about one another and your relationship.

    Alternatively as break up, if not now then in a short while. Him seeking a new girlfriend is unsustainable for your relationship.

  • Sorry that your trust was broken. There's really no logical explanation for what happened. The best (and only) thing you can do is to leave, grieve the relationship, improve yourself, and get back out there.

  • What don't you do good enough? Can't give you good advice unless i know whats going on.


What Girls Said 1

  • You need to get out of this relationship now. You're committed to it and he's not and he never will be. He's finding fault where there's no fault. It looks like he's just looking for excuses to get out. Don't let him hurt you anymore or change for him because this guys just isn't worth it


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