I have an opportunity to move to another state, but I have a child... what should I do?

My ex gf, of 7 years, has proven countless times that she doesn't want me or our relationship. After the last few years of doing all I could to prove my love to her, she just couldn't remain faithful. We have a kid together who's 3yrs old. I have finally come to accept, although I still struggle daily, that my relationship with my ex is over. I have a chance to move to another state with a guaranteed job, but not sure if I should do it b/c of my child. I'm scared that 3 years old is so early to live miles and miles away from one parent or family. I don't really want to live in my current state anymore. I want to start fresh and leave the sad and heartache behind. What would you do? Is 3 years old to early to split 6 months of the year away from one parent? Just to be clear, I'm not a deadbeat dad. My child comes first in all I do. To give a better picture, it wasn't until recently that her mom started keeping her more often than seeing her twice a week. I told her mom last night that I was potentially moving and she sounded upset, but I can't allow her to keep me here. I don't know what to do.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Sometimes, as a parent, it's important to do things that move your life forward or make it better. To be a good parent sometimes, we have to focus on ourselves. Like if you're ill, it will affect your child, if you are poor it will affect your child, if you have no job, are in jail, no ambition etc.. It affects your child.
    At the end of the day, you can't give your kid what you don't have. If this really is a opportunity that is worth moving, in a lot of ways it will also benefit your daughter.

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What Girls Said 3

  • I think you should move and start fresh.

    Always stay in contact for your child tho via Skype or soemthing.

    Goodluck

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  • im just gonna disagree with a lot of people here. i think u should strongly consider staying where u are. if the tables were turned and the mom said she wanted to move to another state and leave her child behind, and have u or another relative raise it- i think the answers would be a LOT different. it almost sounds as if u are running away from ur ex... u dont come out and say it, but u mentioned her cheating first before the "main reason" u are supposed to be moving was that ur getting a new job. part of being a parent is putting the child before u and not being selfish. what if the tables were turned and she were hurt in a relationship and said, oh i have to take a break from parenting so much b/c the child reminds me too much of the dad or some shit? really? if ur child comes first then stay in ur childs life so he doesn't forget what u look like. smh Skype can't take the place of face to face contact

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    • So just b/c I move means I leaving my child and gonna turn into a dead beat dad? Why has this culture been turned into such where a parent can't move without being labeled a dead beat? I have cared for my child at least 95% of her 3 years. Yes, at the base of it is me running away from my problems and trying to start fresh somewhere else. But also making more money and being a happy, healthy father would benefit my child. I'm not running away from my child and I would get her based on an agreed schedule. My relationship with her mother has turned toxic so why would I allow her to see us like that and give her the wrong idea of what things are supposed to be like? So I should stay where I am and be a horrible influence on my child vs moving, starting fresh, making more money and spending time with her when she visits and not have issues arguing with her mom? Which sounds better to you?

    • i neeever used the word deadbeat! i just asked u to look at it from another angle. it wouldn't be acceptable for mom to do it, so why can you? if the base of u wanting to move is to run away from ur problems, then u aren't really doing it for ur child.. u dont have to live together but at least stay in same region so u can spend more time with her overall. u dont have to be with the mom to see ur child, but i fail to see how moving to another state will give u more quality time with ur child. ur a dad now, ur 1st priority should be ur child.

    • I didn't say I would get more quality time with her. But removing myself from a toxic situation, getting a better paying job will ultimately benefit my child. From the other view, I couldn't stop her from moving. They way you set up post up made it seem very "dead beat"-ish. But I couldn't stop her from moving. We are not a couple and if she wanted/had to move, there's nothing I can do to stop her. Same as when people get a divorce and have kids. You can't expect them to just stay where they live forever.

  • This job opportunity does sounds like exactly what you need to move on with your life and forget about the past.

    But I understand you dilemma. As long as that the situation doesn't become permanent and that you find ways to be present in her life, visits, phone etc. Being there in her first lasting memories is essential.

    Anyhow, I mostly wonder how you can trust her with taking care of the child you describe her as untrustworthy and also ill as I've read in another question of yours... So that would be my main concern if I were you.

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    • She cares for our child. She's untrustworthy towards me. Her illness isn't as bad as originally thought. She is a diabetic and has been non compliant since the age of 12. The diabetes is causing issues. Her mom. is a nurse and lives close. My family would still be in our town as well so the months my daughter is with her, there are people there that could step in if need be. She's not a terrible mother. I don't want to give that impression, she's just not had her priorities straight. And the fact that I am a dad that's always been there for my child has given her the impression that I will always do anything if my child is involved. But I think this would benefit me a lot to just venture out on my own. I've always lived in my hometown and spent the last 7-8 years with my ex and last 3 years being lied to and hurt. A new beginning is what I need.. I just want to ensure my daughter doesn't suffer due to it.

    • Right. Sorry but I didn't really ask anything. I just gave my opinion with the information I had and the further questions were ones to ask yourself. Good to know that part of the situation is alright.

      Again, I don't think it's so bad for a child her age to be away from one parent but it can't last too long because it will become a problem in a few years. And whatever happens, what is most important is for her to hear from her dad regularly.
      All that said, Yes you do need a fresh start and to focus on yourself.

What Guys Said 5

  • Okay this is what I think you should do. Have a life of your own, and go find work where ever that might take you. Still maintain a relationship with you daughter. Travel in U. S is very cheap compare to Canada, so you are lucky on that. I have to pay for $800 flight to go see my kid. It's better to move away from here, and try to Travel as much as you can. You gotta turn this around with kindness. I feel it's like changing school when you are a little, you devastated but you don't know how to react it, but you are also excited to know what will happen. So, yeah take it as a new part of your life, and trust me my friend you will get over. Your best friend in this is your Job, or you will to find work.
    Do Not rush into another relationship, not even a booty call. Try to figure out what your purpose in life and attack it with all you GOT! Never look back. But be kind to her any ways.
    You can always maintain a relationship with your kid via Skype or over the phone. try to avoid talking to her, and make a strong commitment to never to go back to that shi** again. This will allow you to create new ideas and helps you reinvent your life.

    I have a saying " I rather fall flat on my face then falling backward." Never go back.

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  • It's in the best interest of your child. Move to that state and get the job; I don't think the child's mother is going to be any good of an influence at all.

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  • You cannot put a price tag on the damage you will do to your child if it doesn't have you as a male role model.

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    • So you're saying I should just deal and never move? She would be with me 6 months out of the year if I did so how would I not be her male role model? I'm somewhat confused by your opinion.. could you please elaborate. Thanks.

    • Sorry, I didn't realize you wanted to split half the year. That won't work when the kid is in school.

  • I think you have to boil it down to : is it better to have an unhappy dad close by at all times or more limited contact with a happy and heathy father?

    Tough choice. There are ways to keep in touch with FaceTime/skype etc to remove some of the distance issues. It is good you are committed to the relationship with your child.

    Young children are amazingly resilient to changing conditions but what they need are positive role models and influences. If you can better provide that with a job and overall happiness albeit in another state I say go for it.

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  • Wow, that's a tough one. I don't know what to answer but just throwing in some moral support here. I have a 3yo too and it has been rocky at times with the mother to the point where I was at times seriously contemplating doing similar, so I have some idea just how tough this situation is. (Thankfully for us we are starting to see some improvement in the relationship recently.) Good luck. I'm sure your ex will have a very hard time with the idea.

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