Can anyone make sense of this? Head and heart hurting?

Hi all,

Ok well a couple months ago my partner broke up as there was lots of arguments and stress ( we had recently relocated to a small town for his work) He had in his mind he didn't want me working full time/ driving 50 min each way to the closest big town for work and wanted me to work from home/ in the small town. alass this was not as easy as i believe he thought. Of course financially we were fine but would be better off if i was working and i wanted to go back to work ( had held a well paying job for over 5 years)

Two months before I packed and walked out the door he became cold and distant, Would drink a LOT and became verbally nasty ( of course the next day he sometimes would remember what he said sometimes not) I tried to talk to him to see what was going on/ What i may have done etc but he just shut me out more.
Ok well the night before i left he came to bed wrapped me in a big hug and when i looked up he was crying. ( i had told him that night i was leaving in the morning)

Since I've been gone we have had things like house/items/bank accounts to sort out so we have had a little communication.

What im really wanting to make sense of is while talking one day about the house he kept calling me babe/honey/love, He also said he missed what we had and hoped in time we could try again. didn't react to it but it made me think about things. ( Were a 2 hour fight away on two separate islands now)
Couple days later he text again asking me to call, which i did. during this call he told me he still cares.

20 min after ending the call i get a text saying "sent you two emails xx" ( Yess i now what the emails were for and i was expecting them but the xx on the end?
Then in the early hours of this morning i get a text saying " Hope you are ok"

Can ANYONE make any sense of this? Is he regretting his actions ( Yes im also to blame) or just trying to get a reaction out of me?
Well tonight he text saying he's lonely.. Not a lot I can really do about it and now he may just start to understand how I was feeling. With time I will address the drinking issues again. See what I can find out about his work situation.
Well more texts flooded in... not only is he lonely but also he says he's really down. I decided I would reply with something that covers all bases. .. I'll paste what I sent.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't quite understand the question - it seems simple, he still loves you and cares for you and misses you.

    Drinking was probably a way to try mentally 'hide' from a stressful situation - moving, new job, and relationship trouble all at once is a very high-stress combination.

    Whether or not you should go back to him is another question of course.

    • Indeed it is a high stress situation although the lines of communication should still be there. Just closing up on someone is not fair on them. Its not like he was the only one that gave up things to make the move etc Only time will tell i guess.

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    • I agree the lines of communication should be there but for a guy it can be very difficult to admit something like that the new job might not be secure (assuming, and I suspect, that that might be a contributing factor here), especially if you've always been able to provide, he might've felt like everything's falling apart.

    • The more we talk about this the more i think you may be right. Yes its defiantly a seasonal place but it is also listed as one of the top 10 must visit's. Also i question his level of things been quiet vs busy as he worked in the mines for a couple years and that was cooking for 1500-1800 a day...

      I've known him for many years, always was a good man. Would do anything for friends or family.

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What Guys Said 3

  • I'm no mind reader, obviously.

    But the "cold and distant" could just have been
    the side effects from the stress, you mentioned.

    Perhaps his job got too stressful and rough
    somewhere along the line. Did he ever mention anything
    that could hint of that being the case?

    Anyway, he apparently chose the solution
    of alcohol, to relieve his stressed mind, I don't agree
    with that, It'd probably have been better if he had looked
    to you, for support instead.

    As for an answer to your last question. I "think" / it sounds like
    he's regretting what he did. But it could also be him
    not truly realizing the fact, that you're splitting up.

    • Thanks for your reply, He never mentioned work been stressful, more like slow and quiet..
      I forgot to mention in the post that within the first phone call he mentioned how quiet and lonely it is and my reply was well now you know how i felt ( calmly and politely)

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    • Hi Kiwi-lass... @"As a chef he was working more like 50-60 hours, the kitchen may have been quiet but there's always something to be done, like prep for the next day"

      It's not about whether there's 'something to be done' - yes there's always 'something to be done' on any job - it's about whether or not there are enough customers coming into the (restaurant?) to sustain the business in the long term (and therefore, his job). "Busy" means there's money coming in for the boss to be able to keep paying his salary, but a "slow and quiet" restaurant is definitely in trouble - a 'quiet kitchen' is a kitchen in a restaurant that probably isn't making enough for the boss to keep running that business in the longer term. If a chef's job is "slow and quiet" I'd definitely interpret that as "this job may not last". If the restaurant isn't busy enough, it means the owner may be burning savings (i. e. losing money each month), and if business doesn't pick up, eventually the owner runs out of cash

    • I can't say for 100% sure, but by the way you are describing this, definitely sounds like it could be his job wasn't very secure. Depending on location though, some restaurants have very seasonal business models - i. e. some make profit only during vacation times (I live in a holiday town and the restaurants here are like that) and the rest of the year they lose money. But restaurants in general are struggling everywhere at the moment, it's a tough industry to be in right now.

  • People with a drinking problem can't help being cold and abusive--tell him to address the alcoholism right now ifhe's serious about getting back together

    Good luck lassie!

    • I will be addressing it in a few days again. He tonight text saying he's lonely. Not sure what he expects me to do but I hope he starts to realize exactly how he made me feel.

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    • Well this is the response I sent him (referring to the update )"I just hope your starting to understand why things went the way they did. I've had a lot of time to process and come to terms with the pain I feel.. The things we both said and yes they were hurtful and I regret a lot of things I said/did. We both became unhappy and the line of communication closed. We no longer talked as a couple / spent time as a couple or worked on what was ripping us apart."... So here's hoping we can possibly discuss things further and I can address the drinking.

    • Yes, the most important step is getting him to admit he has a problem.

  • No it sounds like he's defintley regreting his actions but that doesn't mean you should go back to him

    • Id love to make things work but i know in myself that if i was to go back to that small town id be walking back into the same situation of stress and finding work

    • If it is the case that the small town doesn't offer enough job security then I'd honestly suggesting moving back or moving somewhere else with more job security - it sounds like where you moved from, he was making money

    • I've moved back to a big city, more work opportunities not just for me but also for him, its up to him now to decide what he does. Yes he was but it was tough he would be away for three weeks at a time in the mines in Australia.

What Girls Said 2

  • It sounds to me that Perhaps Some of your problems, along with the 'Arguments and stress,' are-------Would Drink A LOT and become verbally nasty. And when someone has a 'Problem,' no matter if it would be taking drugs or even Gambling, the one on the receiving end becomes what I call an "Enabler.' And this is what you were for so long until one day you couldn't take any more, and with him so 'Cold and distant,' you packed up, lock, stock and barrel and left.
    Now he is trying to get you back, Missing you so----Babe/honey/love---and being you are now a '2 hour fight away on two separate islands now----he is trying to crawl back to you with his tail between his legs.
    You need to have a long talk with him. Tell him he needs to seek help for his drinking problem. I believe you are trying to tell us here that he has one. And as long as he has one, you will only go back to the same old riff raff redrick, a pattern will begin again, and nothing will change with the---Arguments and the stress. More open lines of communication are desperately needed.
    There's a lot at stake here, not just the 'house/items/bank accounts,' its your 'Head and heart hurting,' And a relationship is going to end forever, breaking up and may never be mended, if He doesn't start with his Own-------Head and heart.
    Talk things over, come to some sort of compromise if you both want to 'Try again,' and although I know you weren't perfect neither here, having learned a few lessons that were taught to you. If you both love one another, have history together, then Love will find a way And-------things can be worked out if two people both make the effort. It takes two to tangle, it takes two to nurture and nurse a relationship back to health.
    Good luck, God bless. xx

    • Thank you for your response,
      Getting up the courage to walk away was tough, but yes as we both agree it was needed. Shall see what comes of everything. I dont believe his "hope you are ok" text deserves a response however. But thats my thoughts

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    • You're so welcome... xx

    • How long has he had a drinking problem? If it's the whole time you've known him, then it's probably something that will never come right. If it's only the last few months and he was otherwise a good guy before that, it can probably more easily be fixed.

  • House's head, Wilson's heart.

    It sounds like he misses you- as others have stated... perhaps it is regret. But do you want to go back to him?

    • Hi Harakiri, Id love to try again but as i mentioned i just see the same issues arising if i go back. Id like to think things would be different but been so remote and isolated he would have to allow me to live my life as I've let him live his. Support decisions like me traveling a distance for work etc.

    • Hi :) Well... it sounds like you know what you want to do. It doesn't really matter what his intentions are anymore, right? I suppose as soon as you get all of your things separated, you should make it clear to him that you need to move on from him...

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