What to do when you realize it's mostly your fault why he broke up with you?

I wasn't official with this guy or anything and he recently broke up with me. He said I'm cute and fun but that things weren't working out because it's not getting any less awkward and it didn't seem like i liked him. I was so angry I said things I shouldn't have but I never called him any names or anything like that and he said sorry and I basically told him to shove it. The thing is guys have broken up with me or whatever for this reason before so it was a big reality check when I tried to desipher what I was doing wrong since I'm repeating my mistakes.

I didn't realize I was doing this since I was a little girl my mom told me guys where just gonna hurt you and I wasn't allowed to watch romance shows as a kid but horror was ok so I guess when I grew up I push guys that I like away and act myself around guys I don't like. Like good things make me feel uncomfortable and bad things make me feel conformable in terms of feelings.
And this guy texted me like 2-3 times a week and basically for dates he just suggested a movie and a dinner and are conversations never really got deep.

Before I blamed this on him but I realize this is the effort he put in when I think about it I put in none. We were seeing each other for 2 months and in that I texted him twice which I'm ok with cuz I feel like until ur dating, the man should text u first and stuff and u just respond but I never responded either. I used to blame him for are conversations not going deep but I never did anything about it either in fact I did less work. I never asked him out or flirted with him and when he hung out I would push him away or not show any signs or interest because I just expected him too. Basically I realize I take but I never give not even to the point of showing interest or flirting or responded to his advances of interest physically or emotionally.

he could have tried Harder too but is it really his fault or mine? And What to do when u realize it is? Is it worth trying for?
Updates:
Thanks to everyone who answers it's very appreciated

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Most Helpful Guy

  • When relationships are "new" (which is under 4 months of dating perhaps) nobody should be trying "harder" to make things work. It should be easy and comfortable and smooth. When it's not that's a pretty big RED FLAG that you're not a good match, or either of you might not be in the right head space to be dating.

    So don't waste too much time trying to figure out who to blame.

    And you're definitely on the right track in your thinking... your relationship, failed or not, is YOUR responsibility. If it fails it might not be your fault, but it IS your responsibility. So taking this time to look back and LEARN is so smart!

    From what you've said I'm going to guess that you're issues are with emotional intelligence and learning how to share your feelings without feeling awkward or embarrassed or shy. Because it sounds like you're having trouble liking a guy and showing it without feeling weird. You said that you can "act yourself" around guys you're just friends with but things get harder when you like the guy?

    Hopefully the girls in the site will have tonnes of better info on understanding your feelings and sharing them, and OWNING them. I'm a guy and I'm mostly emotionally handicapt. But I DO understand that sharing your feelings and enjoying your feelings are all positive things.

    Having self esteem and confidence is work and requires you to OWN how you feel and to ACCEPT how you feel. It's OKAY to be into a guy. It's OKAY to text a dude you're dating.

    It's kinda weird to think that it's HIS job to do all that leg work, even though you're partially right... he should be taking those risks of rejection... but not once you're already dating (more than three dates.)

    Asking questions like this is awesome and will lead you down your path of growth and understanding and you'll have better relationships for it!

    :D

    ~ Robby

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    THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
    • I know it should be going smooth and none one should neccisarly be trying harder then the other but I wasn't really trying at all I was just responding ( barley) to his advances. And it would be a big red flag that where not compatible but ever guy I ever been with tells me the exact same thing. So I figured it must be something I'm doing. All my relationships never lasted longer then 2 months he was the longest. I like I said I put in very little effort. And what you said about emotional intelligence and stuff is so true but I am confident I do have my insecurities like everyone does but at the end of the day I like myself and I just don't know how to act even though I think I know kinda now.

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    • Omg you are so smart you should be a therapist! My relationship with my dad is deffently very restricted and my parents are divorced and thy never shower affection for each other even now my mom doesn't really show affection to her bf. makes sense. Thanks!

    • Haha, I got lucky! Here's my best tip... understand that we are the average of the 5 people we most hang out with. So go out of your way to purposely hang out with highly loving successful couples, or individuals who REALLY have their relationship skills handled.

      Just by being around them you'll learn and grow and develop new skills. :D

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 4

  • The caterpillar builds a cocoon and now waits to be transformed into a beautiful butterfly. Shed your old self and build a new one. The answer is that simple. Be what you really want to be and not something that others told you, and also, blame no one. Start anew. There's no one at fault here. Hope this helped :)

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  • If you feel you need to change for the better, change for yourself, not for someone else. If you're in a committed relationship, someone should accept you for you and not expect you to change. If they know who you are and they are expecting you to becoming someone or something you're not, then they don't really care about you - they care about what they want you to become. There's something about you they like or really like and they want to mold you into their ideal g/f. When someone truly cares about you, truly loves you, they love you for you and all your imperfections. When you meet someone that's "the one", you'll know it cuz all that crap that before kinda made you wonder if you could accept these things about the person - well, those things just go out the window and you accept everything about them. And when they have the same feelings for you, the feeling is mutual and then you know.

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    • Of course but I don't expect him to think I'm the one or love me at the stage we were at so there would be nothing to except

  • well learn from your mistakes, dont act like a crazy person

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    • I don't think I was crazy but alright lol

  • if i were him i would be appreciate an apology.

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    • Won't just make him think I want him again? Not saying I wouldn't just wondering

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    • Ok I'll apologize if he messages me again but if he doesn't I won't bother. Only because I wasn't rude to him I just took in whatever relationship we had which is a fualt with me so there's nothing really to apologize for except the fight we had but then again I never called him any names or anything along thoses lines so there isn't really anything to be sorry about expect for being the reason are relationship didn't last and that's something I already have to live with

    • fair enough. good luck :)

What Girls Said 2

  • I have to applaud you for realizing how your behaviour has affected your relationships. Most women will go on websites like these and bitch about how all men are the same, that there are no gentlemen men left, blah blah blah, I'll be alone forever. /pity party

    You are spot on in realizing that you being all cold and never responding has pushed him away. It's not a guy's job to chase you around. If someone fancies you a lot, they will probably try harder than others, but understanding that you're not a trophy and nobody is required to chase you is a step forward. Good on you.

    Playing hard to get is usually an immature teenage girl thing and it's fantastic that you are reflecting on yourself, your actions and evaluating everything. That is something only intelligent and mature people do.

    A lot of women think a guy needs to try hard and chase the woman he likes, but it makes absolutely no sense to do so to a person you hardly know. What is there to chase, if you don't know anything about them yet?

    So yeah, don't think only a guy needs to text you. If you like the person too, text him first. If you're shy, don't ignore his texts either, because he'll just think you're not interested or are playing mind games, which a lot of men (and women) are not fond of.

    Props to you, you'll be a brilliant girlfriend once you fix all those silly things you've been doing.
    Keep up the good work and good luck to you.

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    • Thank you I just wanna I was like that at first but obviously when it keeps happening that's when I realized I need to take a look back and see that relationships are two way street and I'm obviously doing something wrong

    • You seem to have your shit together now, so you're definitely on the right track.
      Good luck in your future endeavours. ;)

  • So fucking what if it's your fault? Have you promised him warmth? If not, he can go drown his sorrows in a bowl of ice cream and get the fuck over it. .. You don't owe him warmth.. if he doesn't like your "coldness", HE CAN MOVE THE FUCK ON LIKE A BIG BOY AND STOP BITCHING LIKE A LITTLE BABY! ..

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    • True but we were were dating some what exclusively. I think maybe he should at least know if I like him or not? No?

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