I have a fear of intimacy... lead to my last break up. Wonder what I can do?

I broke up with my ex about 2 months ago (we dated for a year). It is painfully embarrassing to admit this considering my age... but she was my first very serious girlfriend. I had flings, friends with benefits and hook ups in the past however she was my first legit girl. In the beginning things were easy and simple. We would both work, do our thing and meet up once or twice a week. We spent a little more time together as time went on however I found myself making up excuses not to see her anymore than necessary. Truth is the more I dated her the more she picked up on my quirks, insecurities and fears. I'm a private person... and letting someone have access to those parts of my life scared me. She eventually dumped me (although I sorta lead her into it). Since then I have been depressed and have some serious hang ups on how things worked out. . I also feel my own biological clock going off telling me it's time to settle down, marry and start a family.

What can I do about this? Is this something to do with my personality? Childhood trauma.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I have been in your situation and can say she wasn't the one who could tap into that place where you could feel vulnerable. I was in long term relationships (one was 10 years) but I never fell in love until I was 37. It just clicked. I am a very private person and never opened up before but when the right person came along I really didn't have a choice. With the exception I knew this was the right person I could be that way with and I allowed myself to open up. It was a conscious decision. If you struggle like I did, you must give yourself permission and more than once until you actually let the person in.

    • I'm glad things worked out for you in the end :) Towards the end of my relationship I complained to my ex about my fear of confrontations. I was in an bad emotional state and I was self flagellating myself openly... calling myself a coward. That's not really true... but I angry about some things (people often say I'm hard on myself). I felt safe to confide my insecurities to her at this stage... but she cried herself and dumped me two weeks later. I realize women want strong, confident men for protection. I did a good job being that person in the beginning of the relationship... but later the lesser parts of me became visible to her which upset both her (and me).

Most Helpful Guy

  • Speak with someone... you obviously need to identify and overcome what ever it is standing in your way and for anyone to help you with that, there would need to be hours of back and forth. You won't be able to ask a deep and complicated question like this and find an answer that can actually help; not through these methods in any case.

    • thanks... I actually am working with a counselor. He told me "well you just got a late start"... which is true... however I'm wondering if there is a bigger problem.

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    • Ultimately your belief in his ability to help you is the most important thing, but I don't see why his sexuality would make him unable to relate. Whether you like men or women, intimacy is always going to be a large part of the relationship.

    • he's a good counselor but the emotional dynamics of men and women can vary drastically. He might end up giving me excellent advice... but it's harder to believe that from the get go. He's helped me with some other very serious issues... that's why I'm still working with him.

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What Girls Said 0

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What Guys Said 2

  • I'm Going To Give You My Unlicensed Professional Opinion, Maybe Take Time Out For Yourself Or Get Professional Help...

  • Man I went to Italy and girls ask you if you wanna have sex..
    I know like wtf, I want that here now..

    • I'm gotten my fair share of girls (25-30). I used to brag about that... but now it makes feel a little dirty. I want to get serious with someone.

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