The first relationship I've had since my fiance commit suicide has just ended badly. I'm in a place of complete defeat and sadness. Please help me?

In 2011 my fiance took his life in my apartment where I found him the next day, (No clue he was planning to do this). Within a year, I found my now ex boyfriend and we began a long-term relationship and rented a house together. But our relationship began to fall apart when he became stressed over financial/job matters. Some of his behavior became unacceptable and I had to set boundaries. I finally asked him to leave since because he wouldn't shape up (hoping that he'd pull it together and stay). I never thought he really would.. But he did. He left that very day and we have not communicated much since. He left a lot of his things here. It's been over a month long ordeal trying to get him to pick them up. Not because I'm angry, but because I'd like to have closure. I don't know where he's living and he's chosen not to answer attempts at contact... so it makes me uncomfortable to be in possession of his things. I have taken this break up extremely hard. I feel completely betrayed and abandoned. When Robin Williams died, I begged him to stop by just for an hour because I was hysterical (being that my late fiance also hung himself). He did not answer. I can't cope with his abandonment. It's as if he never cared for me at all. I was rejected by my family years ago and have been socially recluse since fiance died. He was all I had and he's completely gone. I feel that the world is a disgusting place. I've faced so much rejection/abandonment from the people I love that I can literally stand no more. My life has been a series of these exact scenarios and I thought that after my fiance, I'd get a break from cruelty. I haven't, at all. People I thought were my friends say things like " No wonder your fiance killed himself" etc. I'm not exaggerating. I know in my heart that I had nothing to do with his choice. Why can I attain compassion from no one? Why do people treat me as if I have no feelings/am infallible? How can I live like this?


Most Helpful Guy

  • You have to be happy with you first. You cannot rely on anyone to make you happy. A person that you are with should go out of there way to make you feel loved and adored. Being with them should make you happy. But they shouldn't be the only source of your happiness.

    Honestly he might have cut off communication with you to get over the relationship, because he needs distance. Your best bet with all his stuff is to box it up and put it somewhere. Depending on the state you live in is how long you have to hang on to things like that. Where I live its 30 days, some states its longer. But check that, if its 30 days, box it up, and call the salvation army or the kidney foundation and have them come pick it up.

    For you you need to face your sorrow and your heart ache before you are going to move forward. I would be willing to bet that you blame yourself for the death of your fiance and that you feel you failed him. So you hold that with you wherever you go. You feel that he left you alone and that you dont know why he did. You feel betrayed by your fiance and your exbf.
    You have a bit of work on yourself first before you are going to move forward. Its not an easy road, but it can be done.


Most Helpful Girl

  • If people around you , dont care about you, then you have to rely yourself. I learnt that in this world I can only depend on myself and not other people even if they are my close friends/family.
    Please pull yourself together, find a job if you haven't and focus on your energy on your work. your mind need to focus on something productive and positive. It is painful to lose someone you loved... but let time slowly fade away your wounds..

    • I have a job that I concentrate on, thank you. What do you all mean by rely? I'm confused by that, I thought it was normal to have a support system?

    • not everybody has a group of friends whom they can rely on for support, some people including yourself doesn't have friends who are willing to understand. if your friends can't understand u, then u can only stand on ur own.

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What Guys Said 2

  • Wow I read this and all I want to is hug all the pain away. Your grieving this breakup and this is just my two cents that I'm offering here but maybe you were never allowed to completely grieve over not only the death of your fiance but the way he took his life. You said he gave no indication that he was even considering doing the act. And so if I was in your shoes I would be saying what did I miss why did he not think I was enough of a reason to stay alive why did he not confide in me why? why? why? why? so many why's? going through your mind and heart questions that will never be answered and he leaves you behind.

    I'm so sorry this has happened to you this gave you a terrible "flash bulb" moment that you will never never erase and then the death of Robin Williams by the same manner just brings to the forefront like being hit in the face with a bucket of ice water all the feelings of hurt and anger except the ice water hits your heart and your stomach and your lungs.

    You are alone now you need to grieve the loss of your fiance and then grieve the loss of this recent relationship that ended do not short change yourself and try to grieve both at the same time each relationship was different the pain and the time you need to take will vary where much was invested emotionally and intimacy (I'm not talking sex) the time will be longer.

    Now at the same time you have to wear that mask that covers the grieving while you work or attend school. You have to go on living and in living you need to lose yourself in a cause or a charity that takes up your idle time not your money. If you can get a dog or a cat get one and love it and be loved by that dog or cat.
    Find a charity that needs volunteers and give them your time and your heart.
    and a local support group for survivor;s of suicide and go to these group meeting's you will find sadly that you are not alone that you belong to a membership that no one wants to belong to but you will find strength there. TBC

    • And last just take each minute by minute then take a breath and another minute will go by and take another breath some days it will be all you can do to just breathe when you reach that point please just keep breathing

  • well first thing, I'm sorry about your ex fiancĂ©. that is a difficult thing to go through and even more difficult to recover from.
    second sorry that you are in such a state.

    be careful handing out threats of leaving to a partner. drawing that line in the sand forces one of two things, to either stick with it even though someone has told you to leave OR leave... and your ex chose the latter of the two obviously.

    I think you probably should really consider talking to a therapist. it sounds to me like you are in a place where us "laymen" can only offer so much advice.


What Girls Said 4

  • Put your exes things in a small storage unit and tell him where they are. He will have a month to do it and you won't have to worry about it any more. I think you really need to focus on yourself now. If people really treat you that way I don't think they are much of a friend. The truth is you can't be happy feeling the way you do right now. If no one else will treat you well then treat yourself well. You need to know that you have value. You do have value. Even if it has been hard for you to see. Not only that you have experiences that not many of us have. Some call them hard knocks. You may feel alone. I can most definitely tell you this. You are not alone. There are countless people out there that hurt. I have never been through the things you have. Somehow I still find ways to feel bad about myself. The gift many people have in this world is to take their pain and turn it into compassion for others. So I say again you are not alone. You will find people to talk to about this and if you will let them they may help. You may also find out what a real friend is. I hope you can start by being your own friend and stop finding reasons to bash yourself.

  • don't let your past predict your future. It is our human right to be happy.. It's a choice thou.. Breakups and deaths are hard and I'm sorry you feel abandoned but don't give up.. don't abandon yourself from a happy life.. think good thoughts and good will come...

  • If people hurt you then stop relying on them and rely on yourself.

    • That's an unrealistic expectation. Even animals have emotional needs. Are you an auto answer robot or something?

    • I wish I hadn't even posted my question now.

    • Yes people have emotional needs but you can satisfy those needs with friends, family and church. You don't have to date somebody - that is a risk in that that you might get hurt. For my emotional needs I baby sit my cousin's 2 year old kid because she always appreciates me and enjoys my company and I know she values and needs my advice. Sometimes when I talk to high status people like lawyers or doctors - they don't appreciate me. My mother gets appreciation from ou pet dog. There are alternatives to dating which is risky and dangerous for the heart.

  • I hate to say it but you can only rely on yourself for happiness. No one can give you happiness.


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