How selfish am I for wanting to find someone else before I break up with my boyfriend?

I met him 1/2 a year ago and we've been on and off for about 3 months. Currently he can go weeks without seeing me or talking to me much. I broke up with him a month ago explaining the issue and why I didn't want it anymore. The next day he begged me to get back together with him and I gave in, We didn't really discuss what he should do to change (even though it should have been obvious) so i've spoken to him a little, but once again I haven't seen him in a while.

I'm invested in the relationship when i'm with him because it's great. But when he's not there i'm thinking about breaking up with him and how stressful it is to be with him.

He genuinely does like me, and I like him too but by definition he's immature. ( thoughtcatalog.com/.../ 2, 6 and 7 and torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/.../ 3rd paragraph of part 2) He was mature enough to put label on it, but it terms of commitment I can't rely on him to do what he says he'll do or be there.

I don't want to do it now because I want to give him the chance to change and for us to talk about it fully. but my other foot is already out of the door. I hate the idea of trying to change someone (it doesn't work).

I haven't cheated on him, if I strongly felt I would do that I would just dump him. I have good self control so that hasn't happened (even with a number of opportunities).
Updates:
Before anyone jumps on the bandwagon, we aren't sleeping together so i'm not just a booty call. In the beginning I even offered to keep 'us' causal but he insisted on a relationship.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • If you really want to make it work then you really need to tell him why you're unhappy with the relationship.
    Don't see it as changing him, more changing the rules of the relationship. If he needs to spend more time with you to make the relationship work then tell him and If he wants to make it work then he will make an effort, if he doesn't then you have your answer.

    If you never tell him then you'll just be left wondering what if, and nobody wants that.

    Hope this helps :)

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    • How would I bring it up without starting with 'we need to talk'? I didn't really give him the option last time, I just broke it off with him. Every time I do see him we have so much fun I almost forget anything else is wrong. This will be a downer, but I know it has to be done.

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    • Yeah, that sounds like an idea. You've been very helpful, thank you :)

    • you're very welcome, hope things work out :)

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What Guys Said 2

  • Its starting to sound like your just his booty call, just dump his ass and be done with him.

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    • read update, thanks though.

  • I would just end the relationship if I were you. In the end I think its the best thing for both you. If you aren't happy and from the looks of it, it doesn't seem like he's happy it seems like you guys are using each other as comfort for one another to have someone there.
    I DO NOT recommend you stay with him until you find someone else. I know that's not officially cheating but it might as well be. I once was dating this girl, we werent offcial yet but then she told me she had a bf she was going to break up with so that we could and I couldnt trust her anymore. Maybe its just me, maybe some guys would except that. But like I said in the end it doesn't really seem like you want to be in a relationship with this guy and he doesn't seem to want to be in one either the best thing is to break it off and move on.

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    • He asked my twice before I said yes and then when i broke it off with him he begged to have me back. He wants it, he's just a bit rubbish being in one.

What Girls Said 2

  • Guys are not retarded. If you think he is: immature, insecure, afraid of commitment, "just mean by nature", stressed, stupid, too busy, *insert bullshit here*, etc. You need to stop thinking that.

    He is playing you. Get over it and move on.

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    • Harsh words lady, words I like to hear. You're forgetting i'm in two places here though, part of me wants to see if we could still work, the other is actively looking for someone else. I think i've already 1/2 moved on. I know where you're coming from, but men are much less black and white than women would like to think.
      He's not playing with me, his feelings are honest. It's his behavior that isn't good enough, and is just like his father (a last minute man). In addition, I no longer believe he's good enough for me.
      The paragraph is just a background to our situation, but the main topic is the question above. The advantage to not breaking it off but also loosing the emotional investment is when i do see him I have a great time. Break it off now and I don't see him at all (I've got no interest in being friends with him), and then all i've got left is the boring men who've formed a line that i'm not really interested in. Rather blow him off when there's someone else.

  • Break up with him and then find someone else. That's the decent thing to do. Stop fooling yourself, he is not willing to put an effort in your relationship, so what's the point of "being" with him till you find someone else?

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    • I don't want to think 'what if' @JoeBloggs explained it pretty well. It's my first real relationship and completely giving up for the reasons we have (it's great when I see him, but i see him rarely) for me feels like I didn't even try.

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