The last few weeks my husband and I have been arguing about divorce. I suggest professional help, he feels he has made no errors and refuses to accept help. Now he is trying to sweep everything under the rug and continuing the relationship like usual. He always changes for a week then everything returns to normal: morose attitude, coldness. How do I burst his bubble and remind him we're not ok?
Most Helpful Guy
Divorce sucks, and so does being in a one-sided unhappy relationship. I've done both.
I once heard someone say, "You have to earn your way out of a marriage." Which I think just means that jumping to divorce is the childish way of avoiding the tough talks and the conflicts that either heal a relationship, or end it.
The reason the "tough talks" are important is because you don't want to be sitting alone in the future realizing that you feel regret for not working out all the details before jumping ship.
Yes it's REALLY hard to talk with someone when they have no interest in talking. But this is YOUR life and YOUR responsibility to heal.
You won't be able to control your partner or how he feels. That's his job. But you CAN do all the things that will leave you feel satisfied and proud of yourself. And that requires you to be open with him, and even worse... vulnerable with him. And by vulnerable I mean telling him about how you really feel, and what fears you really have in your relationship.
This is what counsellors are good at... they help couples gain perspective on how the other one is feeling.
The toughest thing you can do, but should do, is put yourself in his shoes. When you can see the relationship from his point of view you'll most likely be able to connect with him in a way that will invite him to see your point of view.
When you're fighting or arguing it's because you haven't yet seen his point of view, and then helped him see that you really do understand him. Because he's not going to listen to you until he feels heard, and appreciated, and understood completely. Only then will he be more open to hearing what you think and feel.
If divorce really might be in your future then you should also have a SAFE escape plan, with close family or friends. Some guys are dangerous when they feel their marriage is threatened, so please stay safe!