You have been in a relationship for two years, and don't want to break up. But your partner doesn't want to ever have sex. What do you do?

So, assume the following scenario, you have been in a relationship for two years, and your partner hasn't had sex with you, nor does your partner ever want to have sex with anyone ever. You know that she has never felt aroused by anyone or anything in her life, and she is not willing to have sex with you just because you desire it, because she explicitly does NOT want to have sex, ever.

What would you do?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I'd probably break up. Being asexual is something that needs a like minded partner to work.

    I don't get why people say its "just" sex. Sex is one of the most powerful bonding agent between two people.

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    • I guess sex is only just as important as people perceive it to be. Similar to love.

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    • Being asexual is not the norm. It doesn't make a person bad, but it would take a special fit. Most humans are wired for sexual connection.

    • I just have these pictures in my head on what it would be like if it was working as I'd like it to work and it would be so much better for both sides, but it's not working that way and it is frustrating.

Most Helpful Guy

  • No kids?

    Ruuuuuunnnn. Seriously. Get the hell out.

    When you get in a good relationship, you're going to kick yourself for not having broken up a month in.

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    • It's... pretty decent, apart from the obvious. That, and there isn't really a point in becoming single if there's no more suitable alternative in sight, is there?

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    • No. But it's painfully obvious in retrospect. It's like you get your first car and it can't turn left and you're like 'well I can just turn right three times it's okay and I like everything else'. Then you get a new functional car and you realize how ridiculous your excuses were.

    • I cannot argue with the car metaphor. Expressive.

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Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 8

  • Honestly, I would leave. I don't want to waste my time with an asexual man. If we're not having sex or doing anything remotely sexual, then it's just a friendship to me. It's important for both people to be compatible with each other, but in this case I would not be happy.

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    • I'm happy when I don't think about this, I'm just unhappy when I do. Heh.
      By the way, surprisingly enough you can have a romantic element without a sexual element. I don't sleep over and cuddle with friends, for example. But I wouldn't say this type of restriction here is desirable, hence the question.

    • I know there are different levels of intimacy with people, but I have sexual needs. I would feel bad about seeking sex outside the relationship so it would be better for both of us if we parted ways.

  • How is it that I only find out my partner doesn't want to have sex EVER after two years in the relationship? And they're perfectly healthy physically in every other regard?
    If I really don't want to break up, I would have to question my own sanity, personal need of feeling attractive/ desired and goals in life. I kinda dislike that sort of platonic relationships...

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  • i would not be able to be in a relationship like that because having sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend brings a whole different level of closeness that sets you both apart from just bring friends.

    I would wait and not rush into it... we could take our time. but to never ever have it... no I couldn't do that.

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  • You break up regardless. This relationship won't make either of you happy.

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    • It kinda does, but only as long as sexuality and physical intimacy are off the table, lol.

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    • Sounds like you need therapy.

      Alcohol is a drug. Any drug would make it worse.

    • That's kinda why I'm here :D

      That, and it's interesting to talk to you as "one of those weird anon guys asking stupid questions" rather than usually #creepystalker #dontguesswhoiam

      I'm mildly exaggerating considering I'm somewhat against altering the brain's physiological state. Nothing good can come out of altering your perception.

  • That person is asexual. I would find it hard to maintain a romantic relationship with someone like that, really we would just be friends

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  • Break up..

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  • You're a couple but you don't have a sexual relationship. . . so you're pretty much best friends. I would have to leave, not that I would have stayed that long to begin with. Sexual intimacy is very important to me and if he didn't want to have a sexual relationship with me then we aren't meant to be together.

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  • I was that girl once... He was supposed to wait at least 3 years (until I was 18) or til marriage. But He couldnt even wait 3 months. So yea we werent meant to be

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    • Well 3 months isn't exactly the same as two years, especially not when you are both legal and in a committed relationship.

    • We were both legal and I THOUGHT we were in a committed relationship. We dated for a year, but i learned he was unfaithful because he couldnt "wait"

    • Well I personally would expect it by 6 months, I mean I assume both people have a sex drive and are invested in each other sufficiently for that physical intimacy is not an issue. I think the problems happened before that. I would not be surprised if I was "unfaithful" in my scenario as well, luckily I don't have the option before me to do so. I might choose "yes" instead of "no", because at times, it really is that simple a question, but not an easy decision.

What Guys Said 5

  • I'm gonna hit myself in the head with a hammer for being in relationships with an aesexual girl for so long.
    Id immediately break up.

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    • But it's been two years. In the first two years, you thought there was hope for change, but you now are giving it up. However, otherwise, the partner is pretty much exactly the type of person you would want for a partner. Would you still want to break up?

    • Id had the same feeling with my ex. She felt like the one but there were differences that just kept making it hard to have a relationship with her. Im lucky I got out if it. Sure she felt like the one. But there wasn't much of a future. Its hard to explain without telling u the whole story. But trust me, I felt bad for a while but now im glad it ended

  • Even the best of relationships usually go this way at about 4 years, but there are some exceptions. First 3 years or so will be wall-to-wall sex, then the women turn it off.
    For your own sanity, do like the good shepherd and get the flock out of there.
    It's bad enough when women become dysfunctional at 4 years, and you have to trade them in. There's no fixing them. If you want a sex life, you'll have to leave or it will never happen. You might have a friendship, but it's no relationship.
    If you stay, it will slowly destroy you.

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    • So what if there was never sex, especially not wall-to-wall? :p

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    • Asexuality I mean.

    • @musicbrain5 objectively they are, except in this case it is completely missing.

  • I wouldn't have lasted two years in a sexless relationship. Hell, as soon as I found out I would have left.

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    • Yeah but she's too cool and I figured there'd be hope for change.

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    • It's not going to change, it's not going to get better. You're not being a prick. Without physical intimacy (and that means sex, not just kissing and hugs) it's not really a relationship, you're roommates or friends.

      I watched my ex's sex drive dry up to nothing, she knew it was an issue for me too but showed zero interest in actually doing something about it. Eventually I decided that I couldn't live the rest of my life having sex two or three times a year (if even), and ended it. I don't regret it. When I started having sex again afterwards, I couldn't believe it - I'd almost forgotten what it was like. Why hadn't I gotten out sooner? I needed this as part of my life, that affection and intimacy.

      (there were other factors in the breakup but sex was a major one

    • Your partner can't expect you to give up your sex drive any more than you can expect them to start doing it. You like it, they don't. You're just not compatible together. It's awful but there's nothing that can be done here.

  • Break up with her or at least ask her if its okay to have sex with other people.

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    • I'm a fan of monogamy in the sense that I wouldn't really be satisfied with having sex with someone I'm not in a relationship with, and I don't want multiple relationships at the same time, and I'm more interested in sexuality for the sake of bonding and physical intimacy than about the act of getting an orgasm and the like.

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    • Yeah, hope dies last. It's on its sick bed right now. It might be ebola.

  • Cheat and cheat more.

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    • While reasonable, technically that somewhat implies multiple relationships at once, doesn't it? It would mean you are actually cheating on both parties at the same time.

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    • Dude, no.

    • What?

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