Feels like I'm doing all the compromising in the relationship... what to do?

We've been together for 9 months, and everything seems to be great. We do get along really well both mentally as well as physically. I like to think I'm a super chill girlfriend, letting him do his thing, not being overly attached, etc..

However, now that we've been together for a bit, I'm starting to wonder if it's possible that the give&take in a relationship could be one-sided?

For example, we're both busy with classes this semester. I know he takes it incredibly seriously. The thing is, I prefer studying in the coffee shop, while he prefers the library. I asked him to join me occasionally beginning of semester which he declined, and knowing that I'll rarely get to see him otherwise I join him almost daily in the library.

We used to work out together regularly and despite being busy, I still try to put in at least an hour every day to work out and relax. Not going to lie but there are quite a few good-looking guys at the gym I go to which he's aware of. I asked him to join me regularly just to show the guys that I'm not available and he said no, it's too expensive- I should come to the gym he prefers that is cheaper but I dislike after already trying it a few times in the summer. I said I would be willing to still go and pay a few times a month for him, but think it's unfair that only I have to pay extra on top of a month pass for my gym, when he again gets by having his way fully.

The only thing he could add to this was yes, it's unfair but he's not going to pay until a friend from his lab joined us in the library and they started working on their pre-lab. His defense is always 'oh baby, c'mon. This pre-lab is due in 30 minutes, we HAVE to finish it' but that's starting to really get old.

Am I asking too much that we be able to just chat or do things occasionally other than sex/study, again always his preferred way? I found how he ended that incredibly rude and am at a loss of what to do. :(


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Hey There,

    Seems like a tricky position you're in. It goes without saying that every relationship requires give and take. It also comes down to communication when trying to achieve give and take. If you're communicating your needs in a clear concise way, yet there is little to no apparent change in your partner's behaviour this could spell some warning signs for times ahead. As if you continue on your current road, these feelings of discontent you're having now could fester into something more sinister which in turn could result in increased arguments as you will inevitably feel that your needs aren't being met and before you know it, the relationship is done.

    It all comes down to how the two of you as a collective wish to overcome these issues. Although these issues are based on things which in the grand scheme of things are small at the moment, ie. study and workout locations, the mentality behind these issues can transpose itself into things much more significant with future events down the line.

    First step is to calmly and constructively communicate how you feel. Hopefully, your partner will actively engage in communication and try to empathise with you (put himself in your shoes). In the event that you get the standard "c'mon baby" maybe he doesn't have the ability to bring the relationship to the level that you are at. Then it comes down to whether or not you're willing to remain with someone like that and accept his flaws in this regard. Ultimately two people should work collectively through good and bad times and through the everyday times to help the relationship work in a dynamic which is of benefit to both people invested. This requires the communication from both sides and give and take on both sides. Fact is - looking at it in very simplistic terms, anyone should care for their partner. And in the event that they are made aware of actions which are upsetting the other person, if those actions are reasonable they should for a middle ground.

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What Guys Said 2

  • Some subjects cannot be done in the coffee shop, like engineering, medicine unlike art, literature.
    Opposites attract
    A lasting relationship is never 50-50 giving, at time it can only survive with at least one giving 80-90% (or more) in trust that the other is at least making up the remainder and someday will take over the lion's share.
    The best relationships have both partners giving more than 60%!

    An investment in the future can go either way but you're not talking/griping about that... it's instant rewards. Would it be better to have a guy when you want/need him as described BUT he'll always be a blue collar worker with bills unpaid forever or a busy guy that someday will pay all the bills and be as you like forever on? No, you can't have both b/c such guys take other gals, not you... see?

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    • I'm not saying I have anything against him receiving an education. I'm in school too, and I wouldn't want a blue collar worker ideally but it seems like some people just can't handle doing both things at once. Makes you always feel like an afterthought, only needed when convenient.

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    • it's so hard though, like a vicious cycle him fucking up the same stuff all the time which leaves me really sad, he apologizes & plans something to make up for it, fucks that up, and the cycle repeats.

    • Yes, opposites attract... in this case he can't do anything right, you do everything perfect but keep him around like a puppy. Now wonder... love the puppy or kick it out b/c I love things perfect

  • If he cares he will compromise with you.

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