How to tell if a shy bookworm girl lost interest? and how long to wait for reply?

Short story is I have this friend a few states away we met online. She is very she and very focused on school. We met last year and during school she has always been distant but the last few months it seems worse. A few months back I asked her flat out if she was interested and told her if she wasn't we needed to just walk away for my sake. She just said she was busy and not much else. So since I gave her in out and she didn't walk away I assumed we were good.

But things have only gotten worse we text 2 -3 times a week on the weekends I get convos. I get that this is a normal amount for some people and she has always been a little this way but it still bugs me at times. Right now Im not super worried about dating which is why I haven't minded staying single and taking it slow. If something came along I would take it but im not looking. Also long distance isn't something I mind so hold that speech.

Anyway a few weeks back I asked to come see her over winter break and have not gotten a response. She is always very shy when talking about relationships and I dont want to push her. If she were anyone else I would say her no answer is an answer but with her I dont think it is. I told her to think about it and take time but its bugging me. I need to take off work if I visit and the sooner I put in for it the better. Anyway any shy girls have some insight? How long should I wait before asking for an answer to my visit? Sorry somehow I have gotten a little attached to this girl and would like to see if it is anything so walking away and just being alone sounds terrible :P


Most Helpful Girl

  • OK, here's the bottom line. The girl likes you, but "not that way." She recognizes that you are interested in a serious relationship and if it goes the way you hope, to marry her some day. Therefore, she does her best to avoid encouraging you very much. Talking on the phone/texting/e-mails seem safe to her because there is great number of miles between the two of you. But. . . having you come visit her makes her feel obligated/responsible to reciprocate the same interest. She probably is as you described -- focused on school -- but she isn't shy, she is aloof. She knows that if she lets herself get involved with a guy, it might distract her from her goal of becoming a brain surgeon, corporate executive, lawyer, or president; so she puts up barriers to guys to keep them from getting close, but not becuse she doesn't like any of the guys who express an interest, but because she doesn't want some guy to get in the way of her goals. She is a toxic combination of (1) self-centered, (2) driven, and (3) insecure. Plenty of girls/women have healthy relationships while also pursuing their vocational goals; the girl you tell us about has a problem though -- she views her vocational goal as the absolute #1 thing in life, PERIOD; everything else is a distant second. The sad part of all this is that a great many of the girls/women who behave like the girl you mentioned behaves, end up as mental train wrecks, even if they do reach their goal of becoming a brain surgeon. (In contrast, you rarely see men with lofty vocational goals shun romantic relationships; they have no problem going out with a nice girl AND pursuing their vocational goals.)

    • Thanks for the comment I dont know if I agree with all of it but a lot of it probably is not far off. Ill defiantly keep this in mind. Sounds like its a good thing that Im not in a rush. Oh well if it goes it goes I suppose. Ill probably bug her for an answer over thanks giving or something.

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