I'm falling into the same trap again aren't I?

I'm a strong, dedicated and persistent man... anyone who knows me has said the same about me, except for my wife of 9 years, who recently went through a bout of online sexual / romantic relationships, one of which turned into an experimental triad relationship in real life.
My wife will tell me that I'm strong and persistent when she's in a good mood, but will say the exact opposite as soon as she's hurt or has to admit responsibility for her shortcomings.

The problem I've seen in myself is that I lack respect for myself. I told her 2 months ago, after taking 2 years of hell that I was leaving. I'm reluctantly staying now (since last week) because there's been so much pressure on me from her, her parents, and a counselor she picked (the one I picked made her "feel uncomfortable") about breaking up our family and kids, and that she really loves me (yes, that's why she cheated on me for so long), that I've caved in temporarily. While staying, she's said she only wants positive feelings and talks, and that it's too hard for her if I'm upset about things most of the time : The result? I'm faking that I'm happy and am frustrated out of my mind as soon as I'm away from her.

I'm falling into the same old trap aren't I?
I'm not having enough respect for myself, what I want from my life or my true feelings to say "No, this isn't right for me, regardless of the cost".
And I've learned and can admit that a man who won't stand up for himself and respect himself is the man most likely to get cheated on, because what woman loves a man who won't stand up for himself, or her?

Ideas? Opinions?
I don't think she'll be able to handle it if I stand up and respect myself, so my prediction is that doing so will be the end of the relationship / family. That is a price which I was willing to pay.


Most Helpful Girl

  • just tell her and the counselor how u feel ur blaming urself for ur wife cheating on u is she trying to blame u for her cheating on u my ex did that to me my comback was im sorry did i push u n make u fall inside that girl? no i didn't and i made him take responsibility for his own actions so respect urself if thats the end of the relationship then is it ur loss or hers? its really up to u because once a cheater always a cheater she will do it again and if u let her think she can push u around and that ur not gunna leave if she cheats on u why wouldn't she do it again? no one should ever put up with that and really from the sounds of it she's emotionally abusing u and things like this make me so angry only because of what i went through with my ex i never want some one to go through what i went through coz it sucks so im sorry u deserve better then that

    • Thanks! Awesome to get a girl's perspective.
      It really does make you angry when you hear other people going through it right? :D
      She hasn't "blamed" me, but she's told me many things I've done which "led her there" or "contributed to her feeling in such a dark place that it happened". Sounds like tactful blaming to me. Mostly I'm just open to learning what I could have done better, so I can give that and the other awesome parts about me to a "higher quality" woman in future xDD

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What Girls Said 1

  • I apologize because I am about to be blunt. She's being manipulative. The short answer to your question is probably yes, you are falling into the same trap- and I say that because


What Guys Said 3

  • Drop everything in the counseling sessions. I would make the counselor see everything you feel. She may hate that you did that but the counselor is suppose to take a neutral position if it is a relationship counselor. If the counselor seems to pick sides a lot I might tell her to get together with you and choose a counselor together.

    • So it's safe to assume that me doing as she's asked and keeping it all positive is going to backfire on me with my wife because it's not what I'm really feeling?
      The better thing to do would have been to stand up and say "of course there's going to be upset, and we'll need to have a lot of those kind of talks if you want to make things better" ?

    • Yup pretty much. Though I would do most of this with the counselor present as it could be directed and controlled and well she would also have to face it. Your hiding your feelings well develop into hate or anger and will start to leak out.

    • You're right. I think I have myself convinced that I'll be able to contain it, but who humanly can?

  • Your wife cheated you then you blaming yourself!! Not your fault if you was in bad setuation that moment it was better to pull you from that pro not go to bed with other man
    about respect urself also thats not reason cheat i think it's not your fault thats you thats your life she take it or leave it not cheated :) I think if you find another women would be better but ur kids will lost and you will suffer maybe
    I think no one can answer you what you should do you should find what exactly you want find it yourself


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