Need help with a clingy bf... I don't know what to do?

What do I do, I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now, we have been arguing, disagreeing, having constant conflict for probably about 9 months of the relationship. At first I really did think he was my soul mate. Yet I have always been a girl that has a cold personality, have a lot of guys as my mates, plus we all dance and that's how we socialize, catching up to dance. My bf has always had a problem with me catching up or talking to them via text or fb. I'm always told I'm not emotional enough, I need to be more affectionate and he knows it's not who I am. Yet i now barely see any of my friends, I have to tell him when I have heard from any of my friends, and what has been said. I hardly go on fb because of the constant drama around it all now (time and time again I've been accused of going on when I haven't been on)
And now over the last 2 months I have tried breaking up with him because I know I deserve better, a relationship to me shouldn't be like this. And when I told him I had enough of the fighting and I was done he begged and cried and would storm in and out of the room, (creating a scene infront of my mum.) said he would change and wrote down this contract about what he would do to change. And the fights kept going about the same things. So I tried breaking up again, and the same things happened, this time the fight was worse he got angry and would use it to scare me and not let me get away, didn't touch me, yet I pushed him away because I wanted him out. But he wouldn't leave. this has now happened 3 times, and the last time was at his house which I still wasn't allowed to leave. I'm so emotionally drained, I don't know what to do. And on top of all that I've started having feelings for another guy, who showed me that I do deserve better. I don't necessarily want to be with him but it has just proven to me that I need to get out of this relationship... Any ideas on how I can do it? I don't want to hurt my bf tho, he really is a good person.

Updates:
I like to hip hop dance. And my friends I used to go out with consists of majority guys and a couple girls. We used to go to the local club to just dance for the night.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • "I don't want to hurt my bf tho, he really is a good person.", every single motherfucking one of these ends with this. It's retarded. Just hurt the bastard ONCE and get it over with than setting yourself up for these inevitable waves of conflict and making everyone more bitter.

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What Guys Said 33

  • You need to have a heart to heart conversation with him. Tell him exactly how you feel. You are so terribly drained because of the stress in the relationship. All the arguing, fighting, and contracts. Love shouldn't be this way. Tell him you need time away from relationships. And you think it would do him good too. He will get upset, but stand your ground and don't give in. You may say your sorry. Tell him you got somewhere to be, and don't let him question you. If you have to answer, tell him your going to a quiet place to clear your mind. If he still won't let you go, have a friend call you up to meet some where.

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  • Aren't you hurting him NOW by not really making him see reason and the light?
    Each time every one of us has been hurt, we have grown - stronger and smarter.
    So... you can do this in two ways:
    One... with a very serious tone call him and tell him you need to speak to him. When you meet with the same non-nonsense-all-business approach tell him that you are moving on and you wish him well. No drama. Be objectivity personified
    Two... simply move away to a place where YOU are comfortable with who you really are. Go to a place, hang out with friends with whom you can be happy.
    If you are getting my drift... yes! I am suggesting that by trying to be somebody this guy wants... you are hurting yourself even more.
    Bite the bullet - move on. Cheers.

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  • Someone needs to break it off. You two aren't right for each other. He needs to learn to give a girl space and you need to learn how to better invest in a relationship. He's way out of line but you're just as much as fault. He's not handling it well but no guy is going to be thrilled at you going to clubs to dance with guys night after night -- friends or no. It sounds like you should be single until you're ready to settle down and be more considerate and he should do the same until he finds some self-respect and trust.

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    • There's something else I need to point out. Based on your writing, you don't seem to realize how bad you've been acting. It is not okay to be emotionally cold and going clubbing when you are in a relationship. Unless you are going with your guy, you shouldn't be going unless it's with girlfriends. I would've broken up with you a long time ago and you don't really seem like girlfriend material at this time. I'm saying this so you can take a good look at yourself and make the changes you need to make if you want a healthy relationship in the future.

  • What he wants more than anything is a guarantee that he is your one and only. He is afraid of losing you. Which should make you feel great. A guy like that will give you the world, if you only let him. I suggest if you want to be with him, and he wants to be with you, you need to set boundaries, but at the same time when you are with him make him feel like he is the only man you could ever dream of. As his confidence builds you will get your space. Think of it like a rubber band, the more you pull away the tighter he will cling. So move in closer, that's what he needs. Show him he doesn't need to be clingy. Take the doubt out of his mind.

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    • I think this is spot on. Too often people will just say 'dump him/dump her' - when looking at the surface of things, I mean... he's clingy.. get rid of him! They do this without trying to understand WHY he is clingy. The thought that he's clingy because he absolutely adores you is kind of cute, but also sad. When you do break up with him, make sure you explain everything - let this be a lesson to him in shallow women!

  • @redbay19 is right. I get it, he is being annoying. To be honest this is the type of boyfriend I am in a way. She has guy friends, and they are cool people, but she doesn't like showing affection publicly or in access. So I end up feeling like I am replaceable and that she doesn't love me, or that she is going to leave me for one of her guy friends. I think you should show him how much he means to you and that you won't stray away, and this will give him the confidence to not worry about it. You don't need to delete all your guy friends and never see them again, just let him know that you are his and he is yours and that you won't betray him.

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  • My opinion is that maybe you are not ready for a serious relationship. Going dancing with your "mates " who happen to be mainly male mates can be seen as you wanting different things in life. Usually when someone settles down it becomes easier to enjoy your experiences with you other half to the point of having your own family etc. Would you then still want to meet up with your mates and dance while your baby daughter sleeps at home?

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  • You deserve better. You need to just tell him its over and cut off all contact with him. I would suggest (provided your new guy is strong enough), get this new guy to kick his ass. But I think thats a little dramatic and would only end well in a perfect world. :)

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    • The last part? Really?

    • Show All
    • For her and the new guy I mean. Plenty of films end with that sort of thing. The girl is with some asshole and she is saved by the brave knight or whatever. And there you have it, a happy ever after. Of course, @Agrojag, you understand I originally intended this as a joke. As a real world situation wouldn't end so smoothly and I wouldn't advise this sort of action sincerely.:)

    • Well I was hoping but I never assume anyone's intent on the internet. Haha!

  • Sounds like he's insecure about himself and he doesn't trust you. A relationship without trust never works. If the whole crying and begging thing worked before then he'll use it every time. Don't fall for it. End that relationship.

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  • Unfortunately this relationship has become verbally and physical abusive, by modern standards. This means that it's probably time to end it as you've attempted to do. Unfortunately in your circumstance that might not be easy given that he isn't allowing you to. You may need to involve the police, courts, and/or an outside organization dedicated to domestic abuse. Also, he may be a 'good person' but I'm not so sure he's acting like it. Our choices define us not who we think we are. If you have any questions let me know.

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  • Let make an assumption perhaps you don't like him you just love the drama that goes around your relationship. Its not worth the trouble. Lets say if you both get married its going to be non stop arguments. So break up with him because that's an unhealthy relationship. I mean what if you both had kids they are going to be in the middle of all that.

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  • Sounds like your bf is scared of losing you. You're probably the best thing that ever happened to him and maybe this is the first time he has something he is afraid of losing. The other guy you have feelings for definitely has his own baggage you don't know of yet. So maybe you should try giving ur bf one last chance. He didn't harm you when he got angry and that's a plus for him. You should should try being more romantic because that's the security he needs to act like you want him to act. It's no big deal just think of something, anything just the two of you can do together; picnic, movies... and let him know clearly that he shouldn't be afraid of losing you. Good luck

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  • If "hip hop dancing" means grinding on a bunch of dudes while he's not around, I can understand his concern.

    That said, if he's forcing you to do anything or refusing to leave when you ask him to, he's not "a good person". It's fearmongering and emotional abuse, and that's not okay.

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  • Hey listen to me. You are lost and lost and lost.. In a middle of desert where no sun there. You have to leave this guy, u r a human being not a sheep ! Great? Okay. Move on an tell him we r not making any progress. PS: guys like this are the worst to keep, he can hurt himself and u once u go through an arguing or a fight. Leave and close the fucking door behind ur as*. He is a possessive guy whonthink that u r a pussy cat.
    U r feeling suffocated and thats not a gd feeling believe me. I , once got dumped bcz i did such a thing and sonce then i learned that my partner must feel free as a bird.
    Gd luck.

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  • I think you need to end it for a variety of reasons; neither of you is getting much from this relationship. He sounds manipulative and controlling, but at the same time you'll find that not many guys will be cool with their gf going out dancing with other guys all the time. Jealousy is not nice, and not always logical, but it is human. Also, different people need different levels of affection. If you're too "cold" for him, you always will be, so he needs to find someone else.

    Approach the split like taking off a band-aid (plaster)... don't peel it back with hesitation; just rip it off quickly. The pain will be sharp but won't last for either of you.

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  • "have a lot of guys as my mates, plus we all dance and that's how we socialize, catching up to dance."

    explain this?

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    • Explain what? Sounds like you're a perfect match for her boyfriend

    • dancing can he harmless, or can be overly sexual... so it really depends.

  • Leave... Don't look back no matter how much it hurts. Your not going to help yourself by staying in an unhappy relationship. Be selfish and grow yourself before worrying about an emotionally controlling man.

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  • Tell him to man up

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  • Someone is bound to get hurt in these things, so end it quickly. Tell him. It's the simplest and least painful way in the long run.

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  • It seems to me that no good can come of this relationship. I can only see the arguments violent, you have to make the break it is best for both of you. If he does become violent then report it you must for your owne sake

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  • no easy way just up anf go from it chang ya phone number and pass words and leave it (cold harted but its life on this one)

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  • Your boyfriend wants a relationship. You seem to want your cake and eat it too
    You want a relationship but still expect to flirt with other guys. The two don't mix.

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  • you must broke up now before things goes worse and worse. i know he loved you but i think you do not love him

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  • Your in a tough spot. I've been that guy, but not as bad. There were drugs involed with my ex. I loved her so much. She had lots of boy friends. I didn't like her hangin with any of them. They were drug dealers and scumbags. Sorry this isn't helpful.

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  • get rid of him...

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  • another one bites the dust

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  • Throat punch.

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  • You are not ready for a relationship, if you wanted to be in one you would not be "hip hop dancing", also know as grinding on some guys dick. Maybe that's why he's so "clingy", because of your immaturity. You are in a relationship with another possibly 30 year old, but you are acting like you are a single 20 year old. So maybe don't go out grinding on some guy's dick? THAT COULD DO WONDERS for your relationship. Or you could leave him and keep going on with your 20 year old life style. The option is completely yours.

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  • Let him out calmly, tell him the good things that will happen when you break up
    Instead just saying it. Say something like: we had our chance but it's time we had a break) and when he tries to say something like but I need you, just lightly cut him off

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  • Wow so mean, be nice give him a couple of good quality bj's he can remember you by and tell him your the one that got away

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  • You shouldn't have to feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells around him due to his insecurities, and he shouldn't have to deal with a girlfriend who wants to go out clubbing without him.

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What Girls Said 25

  • Okay if he's keeping you at his house against your will he is breaking the law. You definitely do deserve better-if you have to get a restraining order, change your phone number and if he's keeping you away from your friends that's a red flag! The fact that you are emotionally drained says that you have had enough-keep in touch with your friends that you know won't tell him anything and don't start dating this new guy yet. Be his friend but don't let it go any further until you appealed from this relationship otherwise you're not going to be making clear judgments. It sounds like you clearly know that you need to get away from him and if you've had conflict for so long now and he actually scared you-you need to get out! I hope your 2015 year is a great one because you deserve so much better!

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  • Either way it's obviously your current boyfriend isn't going to get out the relationship without feeling hurt. Just lay it out for him and tell him it is over one more time. Since you said he scared you the last time you tried to end things I would recommend bringing along a friend when you deliver the news or do it in a public place and then leave if he starts to make a scene. If he refuses to listen start changing your relationship status to single and call him so it hits home that you're through. If he still has a hard on for you and won't leave you alone change your number and think about a restraining order, because he seems like he isn't all that emotionally stable.

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  • You're being emotional by not just leaving. You want to leave, leave. No one WAnTS to be dumped. So what. People get dumped all the time. They survive. There's no reason to stay in a rekationship if you don't want it.

    Do A you want to be with him and you like all the drama and it gives you some kind of power trip to call him clingy when you're the one who supposedly wants to keave, but eint.

    B. you want to go but you but you don't want to be alone. . Or you don't want to feel like a bad person yiud rather just have a shitty life.

    Either way it's clingy and irrationsl. So just leave if that's what you want. Stay if that's what you want. But you can't call him clingy when you're the one staying... You're clinging. Glass houses and all that.

    I'm saying this to yiu Bc a lot of people get stuck in this so it's important to discuss. I'm not attacking you im just being realistic.

    This rekationship qualifies as interdependency.

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    • Oh and you're not a cold person. You have friends and you love dancing with them. That's not the behavior of an i affectionate person.

  • It sounds like its gotten to a point where you really need to break up, but honestly, any guy would be unhappy that his girl is going out to dance with other guys. I'm the same way as you are, cold and not very emotional, and he was clingy and overly possessive. However with some hard work from both of us, problems got resolved and we are engaged. (we are germans though so loyal and committed to the death). You are clearly not at that stage of life and no longer happy in this relationship, so I would suggest to end the relarionship solidly and cut off all ties.

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    • Is this true? I didn't know this about Germans.

    • Yeah, Danes and Swedes wouldn't know monogamy if it hit them in the face, but we further south would rather fix something broken than give up on it completely.

  • My boyfriend gets like this, lol. Minus all that crying crap. He really overdoes it sometimes forreaaaal. I understand where you are coming from dealing with his insecurities. I actually recall one time me and my hubby got in a really stupid argument, and I left and told him I was going to get pizza. When I got home he didn't even open the door he answered me through the damn peep hole like WHERE IS THE PIZZA? No joke at the time I was angry but we both got over it lol ANYWAY point is if you guys cannot work through this with time and discussion you shouldn't stretch this out any further. However, maybe it's just me... but I find it disrespectful going to the club with a bunch of guy friends and your boyfriend nowhere in sight. Maybe other "feminists" would disagree with me but I just wouldn't do it. I wouldn't like my hubby stumbling in at 3 in the morning with paint or moonshine spilled all over his shirt smelling like 10 different girls scents from a long night of clubbing. Sounds to me like this is your issue, you just don't like him as much as you thought you did. And he REALLY cares about you. Some people don't realize they are being controlling and manipulative. I love my boyfriend to death and I would never go clubbing with a bunch of guys, I barely go out unless it's with girls, I feel bad even responding to other guys! I prefer to stay home with my *future* husband. Then again I could be wrong and he could just be a manipulative jerkoff and you should run for the hills. But it does sound to me like you are not at a point in life where you can be capable of caring for significant others feelings and being in a relationship.

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    • Sounds like me and my man! Your honesty is good. Some people really can't tell how possessive they are.

  • Just break up eith him, set up your mind with that thought the next time. Dont break with him in his house where he might have chance to hold you on. Break up with him in a mall full of people and arrive separetely so you can leave by your own. If he is doing a scene in front of everyone let him do it, you just tell him its over and leave. You owe him zero explanations. You already tell him the problems in the relationship, there is no need to tell him again. He might go to your house but still ignore him. If he gets physical then you should call the cops. He has no right to harm you more than he has done.

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  • Tell him that if he wants to be with you, he should trust you. If he thinks you cheat on him he should leave you
    and find someone else. Make it clear that he has to choose, either stop getting so jealous or leave you alone. Make it clear you mean it

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  • OK u need to MOVE ON!! he is WAY to controlling!!! u can't do fb u can't dance with friends, he created a scene in front of your MUM -- those are RED FLAGS u can NOT afford to dismiss!!! AND u werent ALLOWED to leave... LEAVE while u can he could hurt u!!! MOVE ON!

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    • Why DO you EXCESSIVELY USE caps LOCK WHEN YOU"RE typing?

      It LOOKS REALLY weird AND NOT only THAT it makes YOU LOOK LIKE a try hard!

      Nvm I looked at your age and I kind of understood why you're doing it. It's because you're old. and people do things differently in the old country.

  • You know you have to break up with him as soon as possible. He shouldn't take it personally the fact that he's not your type. Don't worry too much about his feelings, he can handle it, he'll make it through. He'll be better without someone who's not interested in him, and you'll be better with someone who's not like him, kinda needy

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  • you said you did not want to hurt him, but you are breaking up with him 3 times and then take him back, that hurts you and him more. break up with him once, it will hurt then, but he will get over it. instead of what you are doing now you are just dragging this break up longer than it have to.

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  • Again I'm not an expert on any of this stuff but it sounds like to me you should get out of this relationship as soon as you can. He sounds mean and if I couldn't leave when I wanted to that would be enough for me. And you say that happened 3 times? Just saying.

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  • It sounds to me he's a violent person and has trapped you in this relationship. i also think this may be caused by past relationships ending badly, i hate it when people say theyll change and they actually haven't. sounds to me he's manipulating you for you to not leave him. if he's at work one day pack your things and leave. he's a control freak you deserve better!! Good luck and wish you the best :)

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  • Just break up with him. There will never be a "good" time to breakup with someone, so don't wait for the "right" moment. Both of you deserve to be in a loving relationship where both people are happy. I hoped I have helped at least a little bit :)

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  • Try breaking up in a public place next time and if he resists put your foot down and end it. This is wasting both your time and his! And if he gets aggressive, threaten to call the authorities, because he is a grown man and should act like so.

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  • Break it off!! It's New Years so it's the best time to do so!

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  • Just break up with him, it's not that hard. If you're as tired as you're making yourself seem, it should be relieving and easy for you. So end it, if he throws a fuss, there's not much you can do. It's over.

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  • Tell him you are done and don't date him anymore

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  • Sometimes a few people need a little bit of hurt before they realise that maybe its for the best

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  • You need to break up with him, if your posting questions like this on the internet.

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  • Dude just stay away from him u can do way better and live ure life go out have fun etc

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  • Since no MH awards yet, I'll try like the others to earn one.
    I'm a dance person, so realize that even my old swim team buddies that hug don't understand how much more hugging & touching (lead/follow) dancers have... and how indifferent they are to this as swimmers are to seeing almost naked bodies around... we are all classmates & buddies, be it swim or dance. THOSE NOT in these venues don't "get it" and raise eyebrows if a co-ed gives a big full frontal bear hug to someone 50+ classmate.
    Now consider your insecure BF that has had bullies steal his BFs or prevented his chances at them, now thinks he truck the mother load Playmate GF in you, never to have this change again and seeing ALL these THREATS and potential competitors all over you 24/7 (it seems). He can't control THEM, so puts the control powers on YOU in many ways, all end as you describe = unpleasant.
    SO whether he was truly a soul mate or just pretending, he'll never get "with it" and in step. The only hope would be that he adopts your lifestyle, learns it, becomes one with the others = loads of time, perhaps a year or more.
    I can't decide if you/he adopt this swim/dance or get lost remedy, if he should continue being the BF during "the change" or not. Seems NOT would give more incentive and him less distractions & worry about losing you (as you've already been lost & now trying to gain you back).
    After reading even more drama = controlling on breakup attempts, it's best to write HIM a CONTRACT that says
    continue to drama/control me = a restraining order, exception being dance classes
    we are no longer in a relationship
    you can earn your relationship back upon my review of the situation after a year, which includes your full participation in all dance events

    Either that hurtle is too high and he finds someone easier to control
    or
    he earns his way back to your good graces via this metamorphosis

    Most people are too lazy & spoiled to even attempt the latter.

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    • THAT was the long version in case he really IS your soul mate.

      The short version is
      Sorry, Charlie... I'm a dance person, you are NOT (not even close) so we are done. Make a fuss and you'll be served a Restraining Order, thereafter police will be summoned at each/every attempt to contract me.
      Then inform all your dance friends as lookouts & protectors, esp. in parking lot, home front door.

  • Ignore the people talking shit that you go out to the club. This guy needs some serious help. He's controlling and very insecure. I see this getting much worse. Even to physical abuse. You need to leave him.

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  • No one has mentioned this that I see, but him using his anger to scare you and not letting you leave are signs of an abusive person... Maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally if he's always picking fights with you and getting mad at you for being on Facebook. Why? Because you didn't ask his permission? You should leave him. He seems very, very controlling.

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  • I have seen this on Lifetime and it does not end well. Kick his cry ass to the curb! Call the police when u hold you against your will. Get a restraining order in place.

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  • Tell him your side chick/man makes you happier.. so you're gonna go with that at this point...

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