I think I still have strong feelings for this guy?

Its just that the saying 'follow your heart' is wrong because the whole time that i was involved with this guy, my mind was telling me to let it go and leave him alone but my heart yearned and ached for him. I'll admit that even though he was on my mind a lot, a voice in the back of my head knew i shouldn't be doing the things i was doing. While I was involved with this guy, I kept secrets, from the people that i love, to my associates, to even myself. I was so accustomed to the lies that I was telling so much that i started believing them. "I don't like him" "I don't love him" "I don't talk to him". I don't like him. Yes i still love him. No I'm not in love with him well I don't think I am. No i don't talk to him. I can't. He tries to talk to me but I say nothing. I refuse to let him have power over me like he did once before. I almost died from heartbreak because of him and i promised myself that i would never go through that pain again. Its not worth it. My heart aches and cries because i just want to love and be loved, but thats not happening. When I was angry with him, I replaced my sadness with anger and I don't think that helped at all. I don't know what he wants, I just wish we could talk, pretend like nothing happened. Ever since something happened, we haven't been the same, and I don't know what happened to us. We were never together, but we liked what we had. Im just sick of the confusion and tension between us, I just want to go back to the first day we met, so I could change everything to where we never met. I don't know what to, I feel like both of us made a mistake, and instead of trying to calmly talk about it, we only made it worse with arguments and silence. After it, we had small talk, but now we just past each other in the halls, sometimes he tries to get my attention or go out of his way, and I wanna talk to him, but somethings holding me back. I feel like I ruined our relationship out of fear of ruining it.
Updates:
I feel like it was stupid that we ruined what we had over a stupid reason.

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  • I can understand you scared. I don't know the reason behind you breaking up, though it would be easier if I knew if you want to message me to talk in private. The best I can do is tell you that maybe you need time to figure yourself out. You seem like a nice person albeit a little lost. If you think you already have yourself figure out, good for you. I don't wanna see try and get back with him because I don't know if what he did is acceptable to earn trust again. If you could let me know what he did I can help you more, private message me if you'd like.

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    • I feel like he lied to me before when I asked him a couple of months ago if he had a girlfriend, he said no its complicated, but i later found out that they had got back together and i feel like he played with my emotions and i already have trust issues so i'm just torn between what to do.

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    • Yeah, it is hard but I'm feeling way better than I was before, thanks for answering, your answer was awesome. :)

    • No problem 😊

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