Was it more about me or the parents?

My ex and I are almost 17. I was his first gf. We had known each other for about a year and dated for four months when he suddenly dumped me.

It came as a shock because he was always just as chivalrous, gentlemanly, sweet and attentive to me as he had always been once we started dating. Even up to MINUTES before the breakup, he was always asking me questions about my life throughout the day (either in-person or via text) and paid attention, even when I thought what I was talking about might be boring.

About a week before the breakup, I was recovering from surgery, and the only tiny red flags I noticed were that he was a little less physically affectionate (but that may have been because parents were around and he didn't like to PDA around them) and he spent a little less time with me than usual. I shook that off because he was helping his parents.

I had always noticed red flags regarding his parents. They controlled his life. He had always had to end our dates early because they set strict curfews, even asking me to leave his house early at night. His parents were cold to me once they found out we were a couple. They never let us be completely alone together. Sex was never involved since they clearly wanted him abstinent (I was probably more forthcoming physically than he was!). They wouldn't help him pay for anything. And he LOVED his parents and talked about them a lot (much more than the average teen guy!).

When he dumped me he said he wasn't ready for a relationship but we could still be friends. I said I couldn't trust him anymore and we haven't contacted each other since. He couldn't seem to face me at school and didn't come to my help (but I didn't ask him to). Then he treated me like a polite stranger. Now we just plain avoid each other. He hasn't had another gf.

Did he suddenly lose interest in me? Or is this more about his parents not wanting him to date?
Updates:
Did the parents make him call it off?
Also thought I should add he's a major conflict avoider and extremely passive
Maybe he just texted me all that to be polite since I was recovering from surgery? But we had always texted each other all day since we became romantically involved, and we discussed SO MANY TOPICS beyond my recovery...
Anyone else out there?

0|0
1561

Most Helpful Guy

  • Thank you for your answer to my question.
    Sometimes as a guy you can think that the best course of action is to be a bit cold, even if it's hard.
    If he kept being warm after your break up, it would be harder for both of you to move on because you might both think about getting back together.
    It's just my opinion, but I think that girls are deal better than guys after those kind of breakups, because it seems you're so much more used to deal with what you feel. As a man it's often easier to cut all contact, to move on.
    I think he was honest with you, and he will probably not feel ready for any relationship until he leaves his parents' home, because he seems very grateful, respectful and loving to his parents. But that may be a while and I think he doesn't want to make you waste your time.

    As CantHelpHimself said, I also think the best thing to do is to calmly talk to him, making sure he understands that you won't judge him or his parents, and that you just want to know what happened.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Thank you for the thoughtful response! I'll definitely consider it.

Most Helpful Girl

  • It was most likely his parent's influence, but in the end, breaking up with you is what he decided to do. It may not even be a direct influence. Whether you realize it or not, parents are really influential and you make decisions without even knowing you are thinking of them. It's part of how we are raised.

    Maybe give it some time and try to stay in contact later on and be friends. A lot can happen in a year and especially since it's the year before you turn 18.

    0|1
    0|0

Recommended Questions

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 60

  • Is the pressure from the parents.

    It seems that the pressure from the parents are greater than the desire to be with you

    If you really cannot remain friends with him, just move on.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Ok, I'm adding my 2 cents because you asked (and answered mine, thanks! (C: ). It's hard to know what happened, though it's clear what you suspect. If you want to really know why, you'll have to talk to him. I wouldn't do it unless you are willing to accept whatever it is he has to tell you AND if you are willing to help him open up about it safely. There's no guarantee he will tell you. Relationships can be fantastic, but breakups are often hard. Sorry.

    0|0
    0|0
  • His parents probably, since you said they were controlling. Funny thing is, bet you when they were teens they were out dating during their teenage year. It's part of life

    1|0
    0|0
  • Honestly, I can speak from his perspective (not fully) but during some of my relationships I held my father in high regard and respected him a lot. I usually helped my parents rather than spending time with my girlfriend... But honest, you wouldn't really know until you ask him.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I think is easy for anyone who read what you wrote to say is the parents because I think that's the answer you want.

    The best way is to ask him.

    This is kind of like if I ask you if you like Milk or water better then I write about everything good about the milk and noting about the water. I don't if that was a good example. But anyone who read the above would say is the parents but it seems like you want to blame them.

    The best way is to ask him.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I've been in similar situations and sometimes it's difficult to even tell whether it's e. g. the parents or the partner... even if he loved you, knowing that his parents didn't approve would have weighed on him throughout the relationship, making the relationship feel untenable, which may lead to a mental withdrawal from it.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Do you think the parents were the primary cause in this case, then?

    • Show All
    • Interesting. I guess the main thing I'm wondering is if it was a reflection of an inadequacy or failure on my part

    • No idea. Doesn't sound like it. Though you say he was always "chivalrous, gentlemanly, sweet and attentive to me" ... if you were also generally always loving and attentive to him, then I can't think of anything you might have done wrong. If his attentiveness was relatively one-sided though, e. g. if you enjoyed all the attention but didn't give much attention back, then he might have felt it was one-sided.

      But I'm just guessing now.

      You could always try ask him. Unless you already have and he gave no real explanation.

  • his parents have probably been very controlling.. I understand both sides & I'm sorry that this has happened. but in a society where everything is so perverted I side with his parents & wish my parents were like that with me... & this is coming from a man that wishes he could have his virginity back.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Totally sounds like the parents, they (specially moms) can have a huge influence and him being so loving towards them seems like he would
    Listen to whatever they say with no backtalk. He didn't want to deal with a relationship as in the drama his parents caused because of one, or his parents simply made him break up with you. I'm sorry :(

    0|0
    0|0
  • well here is the thing, you may never know why?, but you are sooo young there will be many, many men in your life. don't get jaded you are too young for that. just treat others as you wish to be treated. at some point we have to let our guard down, does this mean we will get hurt again... most likely yes, but we stiil go on.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I honestly want to say this has something to do with his parents and the way he was raised. My first girlfriend had nearly similar parents, mainly they wouldn't let us be alone or anything. But after 2-3 months they got to know me better and had no problem whatsoever with me dating their daughter.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I don't think I can help you with this, I'm not able to read his mind. Controlling parents could be the reason, but unless you talk to him about it you'll never know for sure. If it is really bothering you, then that is probably what you should do, so you can emotionally end the relationship for yourself.

    0|0
    0|0
  • It could be both, him losing interest in you as a gf and his parents being control freaks.

    0|1
    0|0
    • Do you think he just kept texting me to be polite?

    • Do you think he would've stayed with me if the parents weren't so controlling?

  • So basically you wanted him to choose you over his parents, there must be a reason why his folks didn't like you either you're both too young to date or maybe you did something that they didn't like. Only your ex knows the answer this, if you have questions regarding breakup, seek closure.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Parents can be really controlling about some other peoples lives, especially religious ones. I know some people like that and the degree of control the parents have over the person is strong, they do whatever the parents say. I'm sure the parents told him to call it off.

    0|0
    0|0
  • While I don't know for sure, I think it's his parents.

    I say this because you said so yourself he really did love you but at the same time, you also said his parents were ridiculously controlling. Since he's extremely passive, his parents didn't do much to "force" him to dump you.

    What a shame. Oh well, you're still a teenager.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Did the parents ever liked you? If not... then the possibility of them intervening is definitely there. Yet, what exactly were the conversations before the surgery about?

    0|0
    0|0
    • They NEVER liked me. And they were mainly about my life and interests. Also about our favorite movies, books, and TV shows. I honestly tried to get him to talk more about himself but he seemed more interested in listening to me

    • Show All
    • He probably ended things with you so he can please his parents.

    • Thanks no clue!

  • Well what the others have said I agree the parents are a big factor I think, but unless you can make up with him and have a conversation about it you will never know.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I can answer this from experience. I have really protective parents. When I was in high school, they kinda intruded into my social life and especially my relationships. Hide people as I might, they would "command" me to leave anyone who was a "bad influence" with threat of grounding and even fining me. Trust me, control freak parents are VERY REAL. Please try to talk to him and his parents about it.

    0|0
    0|0
    • So you think they were the main cause?

    • Yes, like 90% sure. But, if you can, TRY to talk to the parents, see if they have anything against you. If they are family friends, maybe ask your parents. Also maybe ask some of his friends. The more you know the better.

  • I think someone said something. Probably his parents. From what you say, he is highly impressionable and someone might have said something negative about you or about relationships so he ended it. He got psyched out and you were a casualty of his fallout. I don't mean to sound harsh. Its nothing you did, its just him.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Sounds like he is looking for the approval of his parents and when they didn't give him the wave off on you he decided to book.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Thanks bird!

    • No problem. But it's unfortunate, he seemed like a decent guy from your description. Who knows he may come around but living under his parents roof and having them influence a lot of his decision may have caused a premature brake up. Especially if you did nothing to set him off. If he or his parents can't see what a good person you are then he doesn't deserve you. I know it's cliche but someone will and won't let anybody influence their decision. But don't worry and enjoy yourself

  • More from Guys
    40

What Girls Said 14

  • i don't think he just suddenly lost interest in you but I do think he made a rational decision based off things that I couldn't tell you. He has his reasons, whether it be because of his parents or not and it unfortunately you just have to respect it. Sometimes it's not about whether or not you like each other but whether or not you're compatible in the long run. You guys are both so young, though. Neither of you should be holding on to anything that isn't working

    0|0
    0|0
    • So you don't think it had to do with him thinking I was boring or not liking me anymore?

    • Show All
    • Aw, I'm sorry. Thank you.

    • oh not dont be haha it's not a sad thing at all anymore. feel free to message me if you want to talk more

  • Per your description, some of his parents description may have influenced how he views relationships in general and what may or may not be appropriate. However, ultimately he is the one involved and he makes the ultimate decision. Some guys may be more rebellious towards their parents opinions, others are more agreeable. Some parents prefers certain types of girlfriend. These are all factors that could play a roll. I understand that you may feel hurt and sad, and I would say that for you, it's more important to consider, how you really feel about him. You need to think about how much you really like him. Do you really want to be with him against all possible forces? Or perhaps you will decide on whether or not you still want to b with him depending on the reason he broke up with you? Is he a good fit for you? If he is introverted, perhaps get him to talk it out or ask a trustworthy mutual friend to find out for you. If you want to be with him, you need to help him break through the barriers that led him to this. If you don't want to be with him, then figure out the reasons for yourself so that you won't run into a similar situations in your future relationships.

    0|0
    0|0
    • He is definitely the more obedient, submissive type in terms of his parents. Thanks!

  • I dont think it's his parents. They might be strict but they still let you see each other and hang out. He still interacts with you freely, so i think it's more his choice to want to be with you or not. Family does have influence on that decision but ultimately he's the one that calls it off. I think he might have lost interest.

    0|0
    0|0
    • You don't think they might have made him call it off?

    • Show All
    • Ahh, then maybe he knew you were possibly conflicting with his parents and maybe that's why it might have been too stressful for him to handle.

    • Possibly. Thank you, wineme!

  • I think it's a combo of both him and his parents. I think that it was just the way he was raised as far as the respect he has for them. I don't think they had to constantly be "hanging" around when you were together but that's probably just the way they are. If they were cold to you then they probably were a big decision in why he broke it off too.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Assuming will get you nowhere but based on what you said, it could have been his parents and that really sucks. :/ They set those rules and were REALLY strict, sorry to hear about y'all ending that relationship. :l He probably had to choose between keeping his parents or you happy but again, there isn't anything like asking if you want. I don't know though it's a little tough to give you a solid opinion.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I'd say pressure from the parents definitely but if he can't stand up to them and fight for you then he ain't worth it in the end. It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you but some people just don't know how to handle things like that so they just give in

    0|0
    0|0
  • Maybe he isn't ready. He might have a lot in his plate and just think positive that he still wants to be friends with you, yea parents might be an issue but don't let that get to you, plus you guys are still young. Have fun and don't take anything to serious.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I would not worry about why he dumped you so much. Not to sound harsh but whether it is his parents or not he had a say and the feet of the matter is he decided to make the decision to have things end. If he can't be mature enough and talk to you about his reasons then he's sure lot mature enough to hae a relationship. Don't worry you're still super young, there will come along a man that will be worth it.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I think that the guy's parents most likely had to do with the break up. He didn't want to disobey them so he broke up with you.:(

    0|0
    0|0
  • It seems like he really cared about you cause he always asked questions about your life and stuff. So it was probably his parents

    0|0
    0|0
  • Hmm, I don't know if it was all his parents but they were most definitely involved in his decision to end things. To what degree, I can't say. I'm sure his passivity comes from his parents because they sound completely overbearing. Reminds me of a friend who frequently has problems for the same reason, I feel. He doesn't have a firm sense of who he is as a person because his parents were SO involved with him and he never feels confident in his decisions. He is a cool guy for sure, just too fluid and too laid-back. It's just sad because he's struggled a lot and it seems like he wasn't given a fair shot because of them, you know? If I were you, I'd probably try being friends with him or at least talk to him about the reasons behind his decision to end things. You would know for sure then.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Does sound a lot like him. Would you say they were probably the main reason?

    • Show All
    • I'd say it was most likely his parents then.

  • lletthe parents let you still see each other I highly doubt they are the cause

    0|0
    0|0
  • Pressure from the parents.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I think parents played a part

    0|0
    0|0

Recommended myTakes

Loading...