Was it more about me or the parents?

My ex and I are almost 17. I was his first gf. We had known each other for about a year and dated for four months when he suddenly dumped me.

It came as a shock because he was always just as chivalrous, gentlemanly, sweet and attentive to me as he had always been once we started dating. Even up to MINUTES before the breakup, he was always asking me questions about my life throughout the day (either in-person or via text) and paid attention, even when I thought what I was talking about might be boring.

About a week before the breakup, I was recovering from surgery, and the only tiny red flags I noticed were that he was a little less physically affectionate (but that may have been because parents were around and he didn't like to PDA around them) and he spent a little less time with me than usual. I shook that off because he was helping his parents.

I had always noticed red flags regarding his parents. They controlled his life. He had always had to end our dates early because they set strict curfews, even asking me to leave his house early at night. His parents were cold to me once they found out we were a couple. They never let us be completely alone together. Sex was never involved since they clearly wanted him abstinent (I was probably more forthcoming physically than he was!). They wouldn't help him pay for anything. And he LOVED his parents and talked about them a lot (much more than the average teen guy!).

When he dumped me he said he wasn't ready for a relationship but we could still be friends. I said I couldn't trust him anymore and we haven't contacted each other since. He couldn't seem to face me at school and didn't come to my help (but I didn't ask him to). Then he treated me like a polite stranger. Now we just plain avoid each other. He hasn't had another gf.

Did he suddenly lose interest in me? Or is this more about his parents not wanting him to date?

Updates:
Did the parents make him call it off?
Also thought I should add he's a major conflict avoider and extremely passive
Maybe he just texted me all that to be polite since I was recovering from surgery? But we had always texted each other all day since we became romantically involved, and we discussed SO MANY TOPICS beyond my recovery...
Anyone else out there?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Thank you for your answer to my question.
    Sometimes as a guy you can think that the best course of action is to be a bit cold, even if it's hard.
    If he kept being warm after your break up, it would be harder for both of you to move on because you might both think about getting back together.
    It's just my opinion, but I think that girls are deal better than guys after those kind of breakups, because it seems you're so much more used to deal with what you feel. As a man it's often easier to cut all contact, to move on.
    I think he was honest with you, and he will probably not feel ready for any relationship until he leaves his parents' home, because he seems very grateful, respectful and loving to his parents. But that may be a while and I think he doesn't want to make you waste your time.

    As CantHelpHimself said, I also think the best thing to do is to calmly talk to him, making sure he understands that you won't judge him or his parents, and that you just want to know what happened.

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    • Thank you for the thoughtful response! I'll definitely consider it.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 60

  • The reason as to why it ended is irrelevant. It's over, all you can do now is take it as a learning experience, cherish the good moments, and move on. As much as you would have liked for it not to have ended it did and that's just a part of life, you can't always get what you want. It's something that you'll experience again (not just in relationships), it's part of growing up into a well rounded adult. I'm sorry that it ended, nothing is worse than having your heart broken. If you try your best to push your feelings for him away, the yearning you have for him will eventually dissipate. Good luck!

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  • Personally, I think the only way to figure out why he dumped you, is to talk to him about it.
    I don't really know why you said you couldn't trust him anymore, but that is your business.
    I am pro-conversation and communication. The only way to know what someone was thinking, or why they did something is to ask.
    We can sit here and be skeptical as to why he dumped you, but the only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it.
    Good luck, I wish you the best.
    Feel free to PM me or comment back if you have anything else you want to say.

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  • Well i can't know for sure but I'd say there's a pretty good chance hid parents were the cause. They sound controlling and he sounds obedient. You probably need to accept that it's over and move on.

    If you really want closure, the only way to know for sure would be to have a face to face conversation with him and say "I understand and accept that we are over but I'd appreciate some kind of explanation, some closure, I think I deserve that". you don't need to say that exactly but something along those lines.

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    • Thank you very much, Bandit! Very true. Also, love your avatar :)

  • Honestly, that is a tough situation... It does sound like he really liked you and although I doubt they actually made him break up with you, I'm sure he felt pressured to. Or maybe even he was doing you a favour since your life is so much more free than what his is willing to offer, which sounds true to me. Unfortunately, regardless of how he felt about you, if he loved his parents as much as you say, he was semi forced into choosing, which is not cool. And I mean this in the best way possible, but it may be for the best. Parents like that likely won't change their mind like in a movie, and it will only be a huge pain in what should be a really fun time to date in your life. They sound a bit crazy to be honest, but I grew up with such easy going parents and value mine and other peoples independence that I could never handle that, but this is just me, I really don't mean to come off as rude.

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    • No, you're not rude at all! I appreciate your answer. And he is really caring and always puts others first, so I could see him doing it both to make his parents happy and make me happy in the long-term.

  • its hard to tell, and even if you know its his parents, there isn't much you can do about it. i think his parents controll his life to much but at the same time, maybe he is someone who needs controll in his life.

    you could actually ask him why, things have gone the way they did, and that you do feel hurt by everything suddenly ending this way.

    but also protect yourself a bit, some people are in situations were there is almost no way out, controlling familiy members, single mothers, the list goes on and on.

    just ask him, dont push for an answer, but also love yourself and just walk away from it if he can't tell you, maybe one day he will.

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  • Ok, I'm adding my 2 cents because you asked (and answered mine, thanks! (C: ). It's hard to know what happened, though it's clear what you suspect. If you want to really know why, you'll have to talk to him. I wouldn't do it unless you are willing to accept whatever it is he has to tell you AND if you are willing to help him open up about it safely. There's no guarantee he will tell you. Relationships can be fantastic, but breakups are often hard. Sorry.

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  • I think is easy for anyone who read what you wrote to say is the parents because I think that's the answer you want.

    The best way is to ask him.

    This is kind of like if I ask you if you like Milk or water better then I write about everything good about the milk and noting about the water. I don't if that was a good example. But anyone who read the above would say is the parents but it seems like you want to blame them.

    The best way is to ask him.

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  • Is the pressure from the parents.

    It seems that the pressure from the parents are greater than the desire to be with you

    If you really cannot remain friends with him, just move on.

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  • I think it was his parents.

    They must have finally confronted him about you and told him they didn't want him having a girlfriend. He seems to really like you but his parents are holding him back. He was probably acting weird because he knew he would soon have to end it with you and his parents were putting the pressure on. He probably is told by his parents to stay away from you. I'd make a good guess that he's dying inside being away from you and can't do anything about it because his parents are his top priority.

    Bottom line is, its his parents fault not yours. They're probably incredibly self absorbed, ignorant people.

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  • Sounds like he is looking for the approval of his parents and when they didn't give him the wave off on you he decided to book.

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    • Thanks bird!

    • No problem. But it's unfortunate, he seemed like a decent guy from your description. Who knows he may come around but living under his parents roof and having them influence a lot of his decision may have caused a premature brake up. Especially if you did nothing to set him off. If he or his parents can't see what a good person you are then he doesn't deserve you. I know it's cliche but someone will and won't let anybody influence their decision. But don't worry and enjoy yourself

  • I think that it was the parents.

    Because If you genuinely love someone, you will continue with them and not care about what your parents think (unless it is religious or the person you're involved with is a real bad person).
    I had a similar thing happen to me: a girl I was dating ended it because she had pressure from other people to do so. Don't worry, you will find someone else. Love always comes again.
    I once dated a girl that my parents did not like and it lasted well beyond your relationship so yeah

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  • Honestly, I can speak from his perspective (not fully) but during some of my relationships I held my father in high regard and respected him a lot. I usually helped my parents rather than spending time with my girlfriend... But honest, you wouldn't really know until you ask him.

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  • I didn't date really when I was that young. I don't believe people should be, but that's just my opinion. However, had I been, I probably would have dumped you simply because I had too much going on my plate. When I was 17, turning 18... I was taking on too much, school wise, and I wound up failing one of my classes. I did have a girl i was "talking" to, but I never really made her my girlfriend. I wasn't paying enough attention to my school stuff, which caused me to fail that class. I stopped talking to her and I took it in summer school--got an A

    I'm not saying women are a problem, I'm saying, you have to work out a way to juggle everything. If he can't do it, like I couldn't, that could be why he dumped you---it just got to be too much. Fuck what parents say. They just want you happy

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  • Ugh... Surgery... been there done that. Anyways, I think it was very much his parents, and his feelings towards them. As you said, he loved them and talked about them a lot. So what may have happened is that in order to preserve his relationship with his parents he felt like he couldnt have a girlfriend. So I think what he said about not being able to be in a relationship was perfectly true but that he didn't follow it up with 'on account of my parents'. I think it's a case that his parents didn't want him dating and he felt like he needed to respect their wishes.

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  • The parents probably influenced his decision however if they made him do it or not is not something people on this site know.

    The only thing you can do is ask him why he really broke up with you. That way you will be certain and you might be able to find closure. If he doesn't answer the question, or you feel too uncomfortable asking, you should probably move on. I know this sounds hard to believe but in time it'll not be on your mind anymore.

    This might sound harsh but if he gave up on you due to his parents he didn't deserve your love.

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  • his parents have probably been very controlling.. I understand both sides & I'm sorry that this has happened. but in a society where everything is so perverted I side with his parents & wish my parents were like that with me... & this is coming from a man that wishes he could have his virginity back.

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  • I've been in similar situations and sometimes it's difficult to even tell whether it's e. g. the parents or the partner... even if he loved you, knowing that his parents didn't approve would have weighed on him throughout the relationship, making the relationship feel untenable, which may lead to a mental withdrawal from it.

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    • Do you think the parents were the primary cause in this case, then?

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    • Interesting. I guess the main thing I'm wondering is if it was a reflection of an inadequacy or failure on my part

    • No idea. Doesn't sound like it. Though you say he was always "chivalrous, gentlemanly, sweet and attentive to me" ... if you were also generally always loving and attentive to him, then I can't think of anything you might have done wrong. If his attentiveness was relatively one-sided though, e. g. if you enjoyed all the attention but didn't give much attention back, then he might have felt it was one-sided.

      But I'm just guessing now.

      You could always try ask him. Unless you already have and he gave no real explanation.

  • oh dear. you really have a puzzel for us dont you :/ ok. im not entirely sure whats going on with your ex. its a good chance that his pairents finally pulled his strings. now he's got to hide his feelings for you and try and forget what you two had, there is, however, an up side to this, your both only around 17 " the age of rebellion" hahaha the thing about young love is that as long as neither one of you drive a wedge between the two of you like a new boyfriend or girlfriend, there is a vary good chance he's going to break free from his parents if he cares enough about you, show him your still intarested (if you still are) and maybe he will come back just as fast as he left. by the way a little side note, i was reading your question and i thought for a moment you were my ex haha sounded just like her :P anyway take care, hope things work out for you :)

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  • Well what the others have said I agree the parents are a big factor I think, but unless you can make up with him and have a conversation about it you will never know.

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  • I think his parents played a significant role in you and him's relationship down fall, but if he truly cared about you he would have convinced his parents that you and him should be together because if he truly loved you he would have found a way of keeping you and him together, if someone leaves you because of a third party it means this person is usually influenced by others and he/she doesn't really care about you.

    I don't think his worth your time and you should concentrate on other things and the positive side to all this is that you are still young and will find someone else, it's just about waiting and things will fall in place or he may come around and decide to take you back.
    :)

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    • Do you think he broke up with me because he stopped caring or he never truly cared that much to begin with? Should I take this personally?

    • Yeah, if he left you so easily just because his parents wern't very keen on you, it shows that he never really cared that much about you.

    • Alright thanks!

  • I'm very sorry to hear this! But I'd say it was on his side of the relationship, it's nothing you did!

    Overbearing parents often times get in the way of their kids relationships. Especially if they're teenagers. If he really held his parents opinions in such high regard, then it's possible they might have suggested something to him.

    Either way what he told you was true, he really isn't ready for a relationship. A relationship is supposed to be about what you two want as a couple, not what others want. If he couldn't handle that, then he's not ready.

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    • So you don't think he just got bored or lost interest?

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    • Ok. So its not about me being "not good enough", it's more about the parents' influence

    • exactly. for whatever reason, they don't want him dating people, that's why he hasn't gotten another girlfriend also!

  • There are too many 'what if's". the parents are probably partly to blame, and maybe his feelings changed. How long were you guys together

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    • 4 months. Gotten to know each other over the course of a year

    • I'm just confused since everything seemed about normal (except for the little things I mentioned). So I thought his parents might decided to make him end it since it seemed so out of the blue

    • it's possible, personally I have never been in a relationship, and my parents never would have made me end it. I probably wouldn't have told them until way into the relationship anyways. but maybe just let some time go by and see if anything changes. if it doesn't talk to him, confront him, but don't be confrontational. just ask, or find somebody else

  • Yup sounds like his parents, but surely one day he'll be able to escape their over the top controlling but I wouldn't be too upset if I were you. You guys had a nice relationship and enjoyed each others time, it just had to end because of outside factors. The whole turn into strangers things happens often but I'm sure you two will begin talking to each other again n become friends cuz there's obviously nothing from the break up that left animosity just awkwardness. It happens but you surely have the better of break ups lol

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  • Totally sounds like the parents, they (specially moms) can have a huge influence and him being so loving towards them seems like he would
    Listen to whatever they say with no backtalk. He didn't want to deal with a relationship as in the drama his parents caused because of one, or his parents simply made him break up with you. I'm sorry :(

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  • well here is the thing, you may never know why?, but you are sooo young there will be many, many men in your life. don't get jaded you are too young for that. just treat others as you wish to be treated. at some point we have to let our guard down, does this mean we will get hurt again... most likely yes, but we stiil go on.

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  • So basically you wanted him to choose you over his parents, there must be a reason why his folks didn't like you either you're both too young to date or maybe you did something that they didn't like. Only your ex knows the answer this, if you have questions regarding breakup, seek closure.

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  • Parents can be really controlling about some other peoples lives, especially religious ones. I know some people like that and the degree of control the parents have over the person is strong, they do whatever the parents say. I'm sure the parents told him to call it off.

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  • His parents probably, since you said they were controlling. Funny thing is, bet you when they were teens they were out dating during their teenage year. It's part of life

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  • I don't think I can help you with this, I'm not able to read his mind. Controlling parents could be the reason, but unless you talk to him about it you'll never know for sure. If it is really bothering you, then that is probably what you should do, so you can emotionally end the relationship for yourself.

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  • well... i certainly think that his parents did not like you. i would have a feeling that it was the parents

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  • More from Guys
    30

What Girls Said 15

  • It was most likely his parent's influence, but in the end, breaking up with you is what he decided to do. It may not even be a direct influence. Whether you realize it or not, parents are really influential and you make decisions without even knowing you are thinking of them. It's part of how we are raised.

    Maybe give it some time and try to stay in contact later on and be friends. A lot can happen in a year and especially since it's the year before you turn 18.

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  • i don't think he just suddenly lost interest in you but I do think he made a rational decision based off things that I couldn't tell you. He has his reasons, whether it be because of his parents or not and it unfortunately you just have to respect it. Sometimes it's not about whether or not you like each other but whether or not you're compatible in the long run. You guys are both so young, though. Neither of you should be holding on to anything that isn't working

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    • So you don't think it had to do with him thinking I was boring or not liking me anymore?

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    • Aw, I'm sorry. Thank you.

    • oh not dont be haha it's not a sad thing at all anymore. feel free to message me if you want to talk more

  • I dont think it's his parents. They might be strict but they still let you see each other and hang out. He still interacts with you freely, so i think it's more his choice to want to be with you or not. Family does have influence on that decision but ultimately he's the one that calls it off. I think he might have lost interest.

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    • You don't think they might have made him call it off?

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    • Ahh, then maybe he knew you were possibly conflicting with his parents and maybe that's why it might have been too stressful for him to handle.

    • Possibly. Thank you, wineme!

  • Per your description, some of his parents description may have influenced how he views relationships in general and what may or may not be appropriate. However, ultimately he is the one involved and he makes the ultimate decision. Some guys may be more rebellious towards their parents opinions, others are more agreeable. Some parents prefers certain types of girlfriend. These are all factors that could play a roll. I understand that you may feel hurt and sad, and I would say that for you, it's more important to consider, how you really feel about him. You need to think about how much you really like him. Do you really want to be with him against all possible forces? Or perhaps you will decide on whether or not you still want to b with him depending on the reason he broke up with you? Is he a good fit for you? If he is introverted, perhaps get him to talk it out or ask a trustworthy mutual friend to find out for you. If you want to be with him, you need to help him break through the barriers that led him to this. If you don't want to be with him, then figure out the reasons for yourself so that you won't run into a similar situations in your future relationships.

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    • He is definitely the more obedient, submissive type in terms of his parents. Thanks!

  • Assuming will get you nowhere but based on what you said, it could have been his parents and that really sucks. :/ They set those rules and were REALLY strict, sorry to hear about y'all ending that relationship. :l He probably had to choose between keeping his parents or you happy but again, there isn't anything like asking if you want. I don't know though it's a little tough to give you a solid opinion.

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  • I think it's a combo of both him and his parents. I think that it was just the way he was raised as far as the respect he has for them. I don't think they had to constantly be "hanging" around when you were together but that's probably just the way they are. If they were cold to you then they probably were a big decision in why he broke it off too.

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  • Hmm, I don't know if it was all his parents but they were most definitely involved in his decision to end things. To what degree, I can't say. I'm sure his passivity comes from his parents because they sound completely overbearing. Reminds me of a friend who frequently has problems for the same reason, I feel. He doesn't have a firm sense of who he is as a person because his parents were SO involved with him and he never feels confident in his decisions. He is a cool guy for sure, just too fluid and too laid-back. It's just sad because he's struggled a lot and it seems like he wasn't given a fair shot because of them, you know? If I were you, I'd probably try being friends with him or at least talk to him about the reasons behind his decision to end things. You would know for sure then.

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    • Does sound a lot like him. Would you say they were probably the main reason?

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    • I'd say it was most likely his parents then.

  • I'd say pressure from the parents definitely but if he can't stand up to them and fight for you then he ain't worth it in the end. It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you but some people just don't know how to handle things like that so they just give in

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  • I think that the guy's parents most likely had to do with the break up. He didn't want to disobey them so he broke up with you.:(

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  • I would not worry about why he dumped you so much. Not to sound harsh but whether it is his parents or not he had a say and the feet of the matter is he decided to make the decision to have things end. If he can't be mature enough and talk to you about his reasons then he's sure lot mature enough to hae a relationship. Don't worry you're still super young, there will come along a man that will be worth it.

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  • Maybe he isn't ready. He might have a lot in his plate and just think positive that he still wants to be friends with you, yea parents might be an issue but don't let that get to you, plus you guys are still young. Have fun and don't take anything to serious.

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  • Pressure from the parents.

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  • It seems like he really cared about you cause he always asked questions about your life and stuff. So it was probably his parents

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  • I think parents played a part

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  • lletthe parents let you still see each other I highly doubt they are the cause

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