Should I leave my boyfriend of two years? How can I save our relationship?

We've been having a rough patch for a few months but I've been rethinking my feelings for him. I rarely if ever look forward to seeing him, he irritates me more than ever, I don't feel connected to him, he's just there, we barely have good conversations about things, I don't crave a text/hug/kiss from him and so on. I feel like the spark has gone, our relationship is bland and I feel numb around him. I can go numb if I'm stressed which I am so maybe it's that? But it's been getting worse over the months. Maybe I should go back to counselling.

I thought it was routine and boredom and for a short while, going out a lot brought us together, but now it does nothing, we're still distant, we barely hug, kiss or hold hands when we're out. I have no drive to make the first move anymore and he never does with me. People could be mistaken in thinking we're on our first date or are just friends, that's how disconnected and quiet we are.

He loves me so much, but he also feels disconnected with me. I don't know if it's all on my part though, I have a habit of distancing myself. I feel uncomfortable saying "I love you" now when I couldn't stop saying it before, I just don't want to say it when I don't feel it.

We both want to make this work though, we want to go back to how we were, we can't leave each other. We spoke yesterday and we've gotten to a point where we think our relationship can't be saved but we don't want to accept that. We still want to try!
How can we/I reignite that spark? Is it even possible? Has anyone recovered from something like this?
Updates:
He's also completely changed. He now does the opposite of what he used to do, he does things that he once was completely against so now I feel like I'm dating a different guy! I understand it's because it's a developmental age but I've not known anyone to change so drastically!
Anyway, we're having a break, with no contact so I can understand how I feel about him. So far, I've barely thought about him and I don't miss him which I feel bad about but it's the first day.
We broke up. He actually wasn't up for trying because he's decided he's not ready for commitment all of a sudden. (y)

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Most Helpful Guy

  • www.huffingtonpost.com/.../...hoice_b_6039412.html

    tinybuddha.com/.../

    Read these articles, it should give you more insight on what love really is. You two have been together for over 2 years, and it's only been a few months that you two have felt like this. ALL relationships go through this period of lackluster at one point or another. It is VERY rare for 2 people to maintain that lovey-dovey feelings for their whole lives. Infatuation and love are not synonyms, believe it or not. Infatuation will eventually wear off. But love is there to stay, if you choose to allow it.

    I suggest you try to remake that first moment that you fell in love with each other. Remember all the words/messages exchanged, redo the first few dates that lead to your relationship, and tell him that you are determined to make this work because love is a choice and you love him enough to choose him and all that he is.

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    • Well it's been a bad 6 months ever since he messed up, nothing major but enough to make me lose trust in him. I understand that no relationship is all smiles and butterflies 24/7 and we've been like that but we were still happy, now it's complete disconnection, yet he's devastated at the thought of losing me, he blames himself. I feel our relationship started on infatuation, love ensued, then I exhausted all those feelings.

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What Guys Said 7

  • Look, we can't depict the exact circumstances you're facing right now. I can try to help you by just deriving the things you mentioned. You will have to take the ultimate decision, yourself.

    "Should I leave my boyfriend of two years?
    We've been having a rough patch for a few months"
    -So you're thinking to end such a prestigious relationship of two years because of just a few months of turmoil? Don't you think it's a bad idea? Just one compromise can fulfill your dreams.

    "he irritates me... But it's been getting worse over the months."
    -Things are getting even worse, no doubt. Why? Okay it's personal matter but did you ever ask yourself why is it happening? The whole situation exasperated you. But try to look the things from his perspective. What he wants from you? What are his desires? It's obvious that sometimes relationships get old, boring, repetitive, lackluster.

    "People could be mistaken in thinking we're on our first date or are just friends"
    -Don't be silly, forget about other people. It's between you and him. I seen the word 'could' but that thing should not be present in your mind.

    "He loves me so much... when I don't feel it."
    -that's the most crucial part of your question. He's far better from others, he's never gonna cheat you. He's a great lover. But don't become his slave. You said you're trying too hard. Probably, he maybe trying too. You're just lacking mutual understanding and communication.

    "We both want to make this work though"
    -this thing cleared it up. Bottomline is you'll never leave him. You are just searching reasons for it.

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    • "How can we/I reignite that spark?"
      I'm not proficient in it, try taking a break, maybe?
      "Is it even possible?"
      It's not even possible, it's very easy if you really want.
      "Has anyone recovered from something like this?"
      -I recovered, but I never looked back at them. However, I made sure that they are happy in their next relationship. I don't recommend you this because my principles are different. Life is too short for me, there are so many dreams for me to fulfill. Nobody is worth to waste my time on, NOBODY. I just can't afford failure.

      Yeah you are very progressive person too but if I consider my foot in your boot, your relationship meant too much. Good luck Hannah :)

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    • He has a high ego, he doesn't need any more help with that. These opinions and the posted articles have seemed to help me rethink things. I think I'm not trying hard any more. Before, the feelings came naturally but I guess I need to try harder to keep them going. I don't think he needs to heal at all, he'll heal when we're back to normal. He's very upset.
      I ask myself that and it's difficult to imagine anyone better. I've always said he's the dream man, every girl would want to marry a guy like him. I've never felt so much love from a guy. He would do anything I'd ask, with exceptions, in order to make me happy. He often sacrifices his happiness for mine so I have to make sure he doesn't neglect his own needs! I certainly appreciate him. I know if I left him for good, he'd be crushed. Although he's a positive, happy guy, he's been so upset at the thought of me leaving, I've been concerned for his safety. I wouldn't want to give up a guy who's so good to me.

    • So he's changed and you guys are taking a break? Now you're feeling happy and don't miss him anymore. Congrats, I hope he's happy too.
      Well, never try to lie yourself that you're happy, never. You'll fail.
      And yes, I found a good article: https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/165066
      I liked the last paragraph very much.
      Best wishes :)

  • It sounds like you have lost attraction for him, though you still love him a great deal. The best thing you can do to salvage this relationship is to talk to him about what made you attracted to him in the past and what you're not getting now: tell him how you feel and ask him just to listen without trying to give you solutions; that is a man's first instinct and worst reaction when a woman wants him to listen.

    If he just listens and reiterates what you're saying to show he really is listening, it will pull all of the bad feelings out of you; no matter how long it takes - even hours or days - you will eventually feel better that you got all of your bad feelings out and your good feelings will resurface. Trust me.

    "A woman who likes you will tell you what to do." So tell him: break the routine, be spontaneous, if he becomes a bit less available, becomes more busy, focuses on other things, and just gives you some of his time, it will increase your attraction for him. You will begin to miss him, and you will begin to value his company again.

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    • I have told him that but he says that people change, though they don't change that drastically! He never gives solutions. He should be doing that but I do it all. I used to wait hours for him but as I grew up, I made myself busy so much that I don't miss him much. I'm used to having him away from me.
      Thanks for the advice.

    • You're welcome. Unfortunately, it sounds like he became complacent and takes you for granted; I'm very sorry to hear that. You may not miss him now, but your post is only 5 days old, so you may begin to miss him as time passes. If he begins to miss you, then you both have an opportunity to salvage what you had; if not, then it's for the best.
      I would appreciate your perspective on my question:
      www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1326332-she-says-i-want-to-marry-you-then-says-we-re-on-a-break

  • It seems something has driven a wedge between you, and has festered, some issue of sorts. Do you know what it might be?

    No one wants to let go, it's so hurtful. But it seems like that period of reflection that will follow, may give you further insight into having better relationships.

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    • Yeah, he caused some trust issues but that was last year. We've been going downhill since then and he blames everything on himself. He regrets everything he did because of how we are now. I've tried so hard to move on from things but now I'm constantly paranoid and see him differently. It was like the rose tinted glasses got punched off my face instead of it being gradual so it's a shock to the system.

  • Move on. The chances of actually marrying someone you've been dating are insanely low. And if you do get married the chances of divorce are immensely high. Going from 17 to 19 is a big change in a persons life. People often do a complete 180. If your not happy you need to do what's best for you... move on. Best of luck. Let me know if you need to talk more.

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    • This is my longest relationship, al my relationships have been at least a year long. We've never planned on getting married or having children so it's not an aim of mine. He's done a complete 180 which is one big problem of ours.

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    • Fairly accurate, yes. I think I could find another guy who's good but I don't want to, I want to be happy with my boyfriend. Everyone has flaws so I don't think any guy will be perfect.

    • Well then you need to sit down together and have a real conversation about the things that are bothering you and keeping you from being happy with him. If he's a real man (which I'm sure he is) he would like you to be comfortable enough and care enough about him to want to fix things between you guys.

  • I think the honeymoon part of the relationship is over. Meaning that things are so great and good in the beginning and with time everything changes. I don't think that you should feel bad. Sometimes people grow apart and change. I think taking a break is a good idea. This will test if you and him will really miss each other. I think the longer you be with a person sometimes being with them can get boring and played out. I do think you and him will need to find that spark again to ignite things and get it going.

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    • I knew when the honeymoon phase went yet I still loved him, I was still excited to see him, I was still connected with him.
      This break has helped me think through things (same for him) and realise that we're both not putting in as much effort as we believed we were. I hope we get things back on track!

    • That is good that you still loved him and connected with him even past the honeymoon phase. I think you an him will get things back on track. I do agree with putting in a lot of effort to make it work. I think balancing everything including how much time to put into relationships and seeing each other as much as possible is tough sometimes. Because not seeing each other enough can make things tough and seeing each other to much can cause tension and stress sometimes.

  • That sounds like a real dead relationship.
    Just end it you will both feel happier with someone else for sure.

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  • Communication. The number one failure of relationships

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What Girls Said 2

  • It is possible. Yes. You just both have to be clear that its what you want, and that you're both willing to try.
    You can start it. Try to push to be a little extra affectionate, tell him something nice, I bet it'll. get him thinking.
    But, it doesn't have to. If you aren't happy, then you shouldn't be stuck there.

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  • I think y'all should take a break

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    • Yeah we are, but now I wonder if it'll actually benefit us or make things worse.

    • it could be better or worse. Leave that to fate then. If it's better then that's good news! But if it's not, just accept it and move on :) cheers

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