Should I tell him he can't treat me like that again?

My ex showed up at my apartment at 4am telling me he wanted to apologise because he wasn't an asshole. He was pretty drunk. I let him in because my roommate was asleep and it seemed like the only way to get him to stop making noise.

He started telling me that he doesn't know what happened and that he really liked me but that I was too smart and pretty for him. I told him that was bullshit and asked what he wanted. He said that he wanted to hang out again like before and maybe start dating. He wouldn't tell me why he suddenly thought this or why he needed to wake me up in the middle of the night.

He wouldn't leave. So I let him stay over as I was feeling a bit sorry for him. The more we talked though, the more I started to believe his bullshit. We ended up cuddling all night. I told him that I thought this was a bad idea and he just said that after this I didn't have to text him or anything if I didn't want to.

We ended up sleeping together this morning. But as soon as we'd slept together, he was left. He tried making small talk, but I just felt incredibly used and didn't really say anything.

I know I have my part of the blame, but should I say something? Like should I make it clear that he can't treat me like that? Like stand up for myself? I also want to know if what he was saying last night was bullshit. I mean, I guess it was more likely that he was saying it cus he was hoping to get laid - but they say drunk people speak the truth. What should I do?

  • Tell Him
    Vote A
  • Don't Tell Him
    Vote B
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Most Helpful Guy

  • If he was genuine, he would not of treated you with disrespect, and knocking you up at 4am is disrespectful, and yes, it does take two, but because he was confident that you would fall for his rubbish, due to the drink, he had no second thoughts that you might see through his made up storey, because if he really liked you, then why say something like, "you don't have to text or call if you don't want to"? that to me is him saying, "thanks for last night, I knew you would fall for that shit in the end" Don't ever get in touch again, realise that he has disrespected you to many times, and now your not going to allow him to do it again, x

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    • I think stubbsy here is going out on a limb by presuming he knows what was going on in your ex's head.

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What Guys Said 25

  • It's not because he likes to get laid by you that he has real sentiments for you. Drunk people speak the truth at moments, lie at other moments.
    Just remember he's an ex and why he 's an ex. He doesn't have any respect or real sentiments higher than his pubis. Just cut all contact. Next time he's making a fuss, call 911.
    If that doesn't get in his 'brains', get a protection order.

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    • I've read all the posts. This seems to be the most rationale and objective. Nobody here knows your Ex or you, or your relationship. Whatever the case is, he is your ex and if you wish it to remain so then stop talking to him. No need to talk to him about it.

  • I think you should do more than tell him, I think you should never allow him to treat you that way again. I think the next time he shows up at your door, don't let him in. I think you should break off contact with him.

    Drunk people sometimes do inadvertently speak the truth, but drunk people still are capable of lies.

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  • Wow, he used you to get everything he wanted and then walked back out of your life before the sheets were even dry. You screwed up by the numbers here honey. He used you for his drunk 4am booty call. If you have a known ass hole, drunk standing on your door at 4am, you don't let him in, you call the cops. You don't believe any of the bull shit that he is slinging because he is just talking his way back into your panties, you are no longer a couple for a reason. He pulled the "I just want to cuddle and talk, you never have to talk to me again later, I just need this now" routine and it got you both into bed, which is just a short trip to sex from there. I hope you made him wear a rubber. If you screw up and let said drunk ass hole in at 4am and entertain his whiny fake bullshit, then ask him to leave and he won't. Yet again, call the cops. Have him escorted off your property, or arrested for trespassing. Get a restraining order if needs be. Right now, he is bragging to his degenerate buddies all about how he made you think he cared and talked his way back into your bed, then fucked you, and left you. This lesson sucks, but please remember it. 99% of the time, if you and your asshole ex are no longer a couple IT WILL NOT WORK. Same goes for guys. People very rarely really change.

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  • He came to you because he missed being with you and missed sex with you. He'll probably keep coming and going

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  • If sex out of pity is what your willing to offer him, then don't tell him anything. But, if you've had enough of that kind of B. S. then call the police instead of letting him get the better of you with words. Break-ups are hard for everybody and some people get really dangerous.

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  • You secretly wanted it to happen, so why would you tell him you don't want him to treat you like that? Clearly you had the ability to say no and yet you didn't. Its not like you were intoxicated. I'd say the fault lies entirely with you for allowing him to treat you that away, and even letting him in the house for that matter.

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  • I voted don't tell him but with a big BUT

    First, never try to argue with a drunk, sometimes they say truths that they would never say sober but sometimes they imagine things and they can't reason, no matter how much you explain

    I voted like this because there's no point in TELLing him. Just don't LET him if this happens again. Cut all relationship and communication. I bet he'll be back, don't let him

    But the more important thing is talk with yourself and tell yourself that you won't let it happen again, never. Don't be cruel, don't be rude, but your first task is to take care of your children (if you have them in future) and the second almost as important as the first is to take care of yourself. You're responsible for your happiness.

    Finally, analysing what happen i think he knows that he did something wrong but is unable to admit it but the first thing is that he wanted to sleep with you.

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    • My ex was once drunk and when we were doing it he said u don't make me happy and that made me upset cuz I did everything I could to move with him and that did make him happy so I drunks sometimes do speak the truth

  • Well you kind of made the decision to sleep with him so thats on you. I'm not sure what you can do when a drunk dude is in your apartment and won't leave so I don't really blame you too much for letting him linger but the sex thing was in your control. Unless he tried to rape you than thats on you. I say go no contact. No calls, no texts, nothing and move on.

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  • You never know, if you feel like giving him another chance go for it but YES you sure have to stand up for yourself!

    Don't let anybody, who ever it is even your own folks to treat you like shit.

    You have rights, only YOU can stand for it.

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  • Wait.. what did i juz heard o. O
    Drunk idiots speak the truth? LMFAOOOOOOOO! Gurl! u got meh dying there for a sec xD
    Toughluck xP

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  • No matter what you should always tell your partner how you feel. If you're not happy about something, speak up!

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  • OMG.
    Why would you let him in at 4am. He had no respect for you. That was his drunk truth. Your first thoughts were right. He is a asshole. And after you slept with him he only gave you short small talk and left? WAM BAM THANK YOU MAM. You are right he used you, and you let yourself be used.
    What should you do? Text him to never see you again. If he shows up and will not leave, call the cops and have him removed... Do not ever make yourself a victim again..
    Text him only one time, " never see me again" and never answer any text he sends back to you. NEVER !!!

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  • If you broke up with him for a good reason then it is a silly thing to let him even come inside at 4am. You should have been prompt, unless you were looking for sex yourself? remember that you had sex with him too and maybe you should ask yourself if it was just a booty call or not. if so just forget about it and tell him you are seeing someone else or your moving to paris.
    If he broke up with you then you are his booty call and lol to that. You shouldn't be Nieve... maybe talk to him again when he is sober and you won't have to write on here? you could find out for realssss!!!

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  • I voted don't tell him... simply put you are mainly to blame.

    I he is your ex... ya should have called one of his friends to come pick em up!

    If you knew he was full of shit and that is why he is your ex... why the heck would you let him in?

    I guess you can tell him... but do you think he would learn a lesson? I think you are trying to teach the wrong person the lesson in this case.

    Absolutely, if he comes back again thinking he can get something, shut the door in face... but do it for your sake not his!

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  • Um, are you kidding me? You let him in and you fucked him and your going to tell him he can't treat you that way? You seem like a really, really nice girl... very giving. An alarm in your head should have dinged when he told you you don't have to text him. So you gave him guilt sex, I suppose this is what is going on here. You don't need to feel used, I hope that you had at least received an orgasm. It's obvious what he woke you up at 4 in the morning isn't it? If you tell him, he can't treat you like that, you will be back on your way to hooking up with your ex again, if you don't tell him, he will try to do what he did again because you are an easy lay, and you give him no attachment. Explain to me how you expect to get treated.

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  • I think beaking up with him completelly is what you should do. Such a "truce" is what makes a relationship disatrous. I have seen it a lot of times. When you compromise like that, you will never be happy in that relationship. A romance is much deeper than a friendship and you just can not biuld it on a poor foundation. The faster you break it the less it will hurt. It is clear he has no dignity and a guy with no dignity is a dangerous mate. If he does not treat himself with dignity how can you expect him to treat you with dignity?

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  • Say something.

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  • Oh hun DEFINITELY tell him.

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  • alcohol = truth serum. get a TPO

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  • Why'd y'all break up?

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  • If you can't talk to him freely and openly about things that bother you in a calm manner and expect him to listen and follow through with helping change these things then you don't have a relationship. You don't even have a friendship. You just have two people using each other to fufill thier own emotional needs. Being able to share stuff like this should be easy and you shouldn't have to think twice about it. Just walk away. You already know this isn't what you want or need.

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  • You just gave him some grade A ex-pussy!!!

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  • Why do his assume that if a guy wants to get laid it means he wants to use or has no feelings for you? It all depends. When you're in good terms he wants to get laid right? Regardless he always wants to get laid. Honestly he probably did want to get laid and obviously so did you so stop playing up this drama. Tell him how you feel you should always communicate because if not it will turn into a web of dishonesty and problems. Mis communication is the number one trait of a failed relationship.

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    • Don't as smule liquor means truth because it can spark honesty in some and the courage to lie in others and be who they're not.

    • Misspellings geez

  • definitely tell him that.. it's not fair

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  • Keep one thing in mind: a man will do just about anything... repeat anything... to get a bit of about the most pleasurable activity that humankind knows!

    (As for women, they'll do anything, repeat anything, to get into a relationship they want. I don't see them as morally superior, but just with a different sense of priorities.)

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    • Well said! This is very true. I think guys are more creative and humorous with their attempts, though... and women tend to just be manipulative. Not always, but generally.

    • Your saying that because you're a woman :-)

      As a man, I find women attractive. Specially when I don't have access to them, and fantasize about them. On the other hand, my partners in LTRs have turned unattractive :-)

      Grass is greener, etc.

What Girls Said 22

  • Just because two people Break up doesn't meant hey can't and don't Make up and that is it Good-bye, my love forever. And with an "EX" who obviously still Marks an X in his own softie spot, there is usually motive in mind when he finds the goalies to come around because He-----Was pretty drunk.
    He got to your own soft spot here, dear, and he planed on you buying his old song and dance. And without leaving the apartment to paint the town red, he got you into bed, got his own way and left in the morning, going on his merry way, leaving you to realize what violin he was really playing.
    He was feeling perky and plenty Perked up, you could say. And he played on your pity wagon and you bought it hook, line and sinker.
    The best way to treat this so it doesn't happen again is to text him a message of: "Lose my number" and block him from your phone, from your life.
    If he ever comes a knockin', tell him to beat it or you will call the cops. I bet this pie eyed problem will think twice before he comes around again with any lame duck intentions of a Problem child pattern, drunk as a skunk or not.
    The booze told a lot.. it gave him the balls to come around with his bozo baloney.
    Good luck. xx

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  • Drunk people lie as much as sober people especially if they believe their own bs. You only let him in to stop a scene. You only talked to him to keep him quiet. You only let him stay because he talked you into it. Where is your agency in this relationship? What decisions are you making for yourself?

    You definitely need to say something for yourself.

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  • I'm not sure if you've already made your decision since you asked this 2 weeks ago, but I'll pitch in anyway.
    I think you should tell him, but keep it short. Don't write an essay about how you feel like you were used or how he's a jackass for doing something like that to you etc etc etc. I'm assuming you would write this in a text/chat message? Then it's even more important to keep it short. The longer the wall of text is, the more reluctant he will be to take you seriously (and even read the whole thing). Just say something like "hey. I don't appreciate the way you treated me when you came over at 4am. It's obvious to me now that you only wanted to get laid and that you lied to me. I won't tolerate being treated like that. So the next time you are drunk and horny, don't even think about showing up at my place. I'm not going to let you in, and I won't talk to you anymore. Bye."

    Drunk people aren't always honest. They're just as capable of lying as sober people. Also, what someone might be feeling in their drunken state, they might not feel anymore once they sober up. They might feel like they miss you, want to be with you and have sex with you. But once they become sober, they change their mind. It wouldn't surprise me at all if that was the case with your ex.

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  • In retrospect knowing how if played out would you do the sane thing?

    If nog then you learnt something about yourself. You can feel something is wrong but bc you want it you ignore your instincts. Next time listen to them. It's easier to dk something later than to undo something done. you guys could've hooked up Anyrime if you got back together. You can't undo if though.

    If you wanted a ONS with an ex the that's no issue. If you wanted more next find do nothing until you're already moving along together.

    Since you guys are broken up there's no reading if him to exist to hear from you. Just know you're not doing that again.

    With anyone bc it makes how feel bad. Who'd. We feel used it means we m is we didn't act the way we expect if ourselves.

    He could've did what he did and tried to have you but if you acted the way you feel good about you wouldn't feel used. Regardless of his actions.

    You feel used bc you didn't say no not bc he tried.

    He can't be trusted so don't trust him, trust yourself.

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  • I would tell him that he better never come to your house again unannounced, and if he wanted to have a relationship with you then to do it the right way. If he doesn't want one then he can leave you alone for good so you can find someone who will respect you.

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  • Chalk it up to a freebie, if he comes back for leftovers slam the door in his face!
    He doesn't get any more freebies.

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  • Don't bother telling him off. The more noise a woman makes the less they listen. Just cut him off out of respect for yourself, not to stick it to him.

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  • you should tell him off, then cut him off. not gonna beat you over the head and make you feel worse, but you really need to have stronger boundaries. if you know something doesn't feel right, don't give in and think you're keeping the peace. you can't let these guys run all over you. at 4 in the morning some fool shows up at your house loud & drunk and you let him in? the cops should have been called if you felt that he wouldn't go away. you can't take this situation back but you can be stronger for the next time if you just stand your ground and don't become weak for others approval. so if you feel like what he did was fucked up and you need to let him hear it, then go off on him then block him from all social media so he can't give you a lame response back.

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  • Don't talk to him anyways as you said he's your ex... why look back when you have so much to look forward to. if it didn't work out in the first place it never will.

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  • You do not desrve to be treated like that! dump hiM

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  • I was in a similar situation for some time. Some time after break up, we started occasionally hooking up, like this, just for fun, and then we started dating, but soon I realized he was the same asshole he was before, so I broke it off again. Soon he started calling me, texting me and emailing me, and being very pushy. I tried to be nice , and not make enemies, but sometimes, people need to hear the rough truth to realize it. Me beating around the bush with him led to him thinking I still loved him, even after I started dating this other guy. So tell him, be explicit! Even if he hates you, maybe thats the best way for him to leave you alone.

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  • I would just leave it.

    People end up sleeping with ex's all the time. I've done it. You're used to being with that person, they are familiar. Change can be scary and things were feeling like they used to.

    Stick to your guns with your feelings. Next time it happens, just close the door. Think of it as been there, done that, not again. But don't beat yourself up over it, it happens all the time. And please don't think it was you and start over thinking things. Just put this one down to a lesson learnt the hard way :) Quite literally.

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  • Well I am sorry to say this my dear but you did let him in and you let him use you sooo.. nobody to blame but yourself.

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  • It doesn't matter if what he said was true or not. Let's be honest, it's hard to just lose feelings for someone. He probably does still care about you. However, he was drunk. It is NOT ok to be at someones house that early in the morning. He needs to grow up and act like an adult. You need to as well. You let him just walk all over you. Instead, you should have said "Let's have this talk tomorrow over some coffee after you have sobered up and had some rest." Then you both could have talked like regular adults. You need to stand your ground. He is an ex for a reason. Think with your brain, not your heart right now.

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  • thats not right, you should tell him cause what if he doies that to oither girls aswell?

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  • You can't reason with a drunk

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  • Don't be naive, forget him!

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  • Yes, tell him

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  • People will only do what you allow. You didn't have to let him in but you made that decision to do so. You have to stand up for yourself and for what you truly believe in because if you continue to allow those things nothing will change.

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  • Tell him straight up to fuck off and that you can find better than him.

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  • People treat you how you allow them to treat you. You have to set boundaries within a relationship/ friendship, and never tolerate anyone crossing them. Our own actions teach others how to treat us. It's okay to make wrong decisions, it helps us to get to know ourselves better- what we want and don't want-

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  • Call the police if he does that again

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