Dumping my long term partner because she is shit in bed only. Does that make me a bad guy?

I've posted something similar in the past. Been together for close to 11 years and after YEARS of trying to be cool and get her to be more sexually adventurous (she doesn't even like a simple bj) I'm done. She does everything else that a good partner does. Takes care of me, helps me when I don't have time and all the rest but I WiLL cheat on her because there is so much more to explore. I don't want to cheat on her, I just want to break up and find a girl better suited for me. My only mistake was thinking she would change and I stayed with her so long... should have dumped her long ago. I feel shit but does it make me a bad guy?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Does she know that you're dumping her for that reason? It would be pretty unfair if you just dumb her and don't give her a reason or she is unaware of how bad she is and given no time to try to improve. Look, I'm gonna just share a quick story with you from my experience. I've dated my guy since I was 19, I'm now 23 and even though 4 years isn't a long time, he was pretty bad in bed and for sometime within the past year and a half, I considered leaving him for it, he didn't wanna do anything except for the same woman-on-top, showed no affection (no kissing or foreplay) and never went down on me. I gave him BJs, sensual massages, you name it. I told him about it numerous times but it went in one ear and came out of the other. Until one day, I got fed up and told him that we're done, because he sucks in bed and doesn't try. I straight up told him that there are guys out there who are willing to give me some of the best sex ever. I guess he took it to heart and came to the realization and got his act together. He started going to the gym, trying to be more healthy so that he'll have the stamina and endurance to try to be better in bed. As of today, I realized that our biggest issue when it came to sex was communication. We communicated as friends, but were terrible lovers. I started to be more verbal and aggressive about what I wanted and with every command he tried to be a better lover, bringing more things to spice up our sex life. We started going to sex shops, doing research and believe it or not, started watching p*rn together to get in the mood. It worked for us. Our sex life has significantly improved and I'm happy that I didn't run off with some guy who'll give me better sex, yes, but someone who I didn't love and cherish like my SO. So, I'm not saying that this will work for you per say, but have you tried everything to just want out? Were you brutally honest? Straight up tell her the truth. Good luck.

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    • I also like to add that it doesn't make you a bad person at all. It makes you a human being with needs and desires. You obviously care about this lady, but she has to be willing to compromise and be a better lover to you in bed. If she's good at everything else, what is wrong with her giving you a BJ here and there?

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What Girls Said 16

  • It doesn't make you a bad person, because sexual compatibility us important. But staying in that relationship for so long means the breakup will be so much harder to handle. Your mistake was staying for 11 years, and I know you know that already. It will be hard for both of you, especially if she's perfect in every other way and you've both invested so much time in the relationship.

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  • Sexual chemistry is a big part of a long term relationship, whether we like to admit it or not. If that is not there, you are better off leaving her and finding someone who matches you in that department. I would rather a man leave me than cheat on me. I don't think this makes you a bad guy at all.

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  • Being in a relationship where you are not sexually compatible and it effects your intimate connect warrants reevaluating your relationship and even considering parting ways if you've tried to find ways to make it better and it fails... I have been there done that.. I get it.

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    • You experienced in this. I have tried and I am just very unhappy (I couldn't get that older friends with benefits because I am still with my so and feel trapped... because I don't want to cheat either) I just wish I had the balls to cut it l, but it's hard when she is such a good person.

  • It doesn't make you the nicest person in the world but I can't blame you. If you're not enjoying sex, break up. While I know sex isn't everything, it does play an important role and if you're not compatible then what's the point? You're gonna break up sooner or later because of this. You waited way too long already, why wait longer?

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  • ... It's better then cheating... Would have been better if you figured that out 10 years ago though...

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    • I know... I know it so badly, it hurts me everyday. Some of my more deeper and (I would say uglier posts on love) is due to me messing shit up. Thing is, I know I messed up and want to re-do my life but the cost is my s. o who is truly a wonderful person. It's a double whammy of losing a good person and hurting a good person. But I'm just unhappy. It's such a fuck up. But I come from a dysfunctional family, my parents made damn sure (inadvertently) that I couldn't make good decisions. i am paying the price now.

  • Try talking about it with her first, tell her how you're feeling and maybe she will be willing to try new things because she will see you're ready to leave her... if she loves u and wants u to be happy she will do this for u. If not, leave her.
    Sex is very important.
    Lame sex isn't a happy relationship

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    • She says I can have prostitutes. But it's not the same thing and you can't get intimate with them. I suggested one night stands but she doesn't want any women attracted to me. Understandable. So yeah it's not looking good. Also if I get promiscuous with other people and give her something (like hiv) I will be devastated. I don't want my actions and mistakes cost her.

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    • You're my type of girl ha ha. Shit, you go girl. Learn from us golden oldies on how not to fail at sex;) yeah message me when you in oz and we can play strip poker, hell we can play strip "see if the sun is out" on a sunny day. It's more comfortable without clothes. Provided i come to a conclusion with my current relationship.

    • Mmm sounds great Lol ;)

      Good! Glad I can be of help! Good luck Lol

  • Just leave. You know better. She is more of a good friend rather than a lover. But i thought you sleep with prostitutes anyway plus you grow cold sores from being in the sun too long.

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    • Hey, yeah I did sleep with prozzies, that's why I know this whole thing isn't working out. Thought I could get this out my system for her (and my soul) but can't. She said I could sleep with prozzies too, but you know what. I can't. I don't want that life. And cold sores? Still going there ha ha... many people have them and the too much sun is a trigger.

    • Lol , that's funny

  • Bad people and bad decisions are two different things. I wouldn't say you are a bad person, given you don't want to cheat on her. I'd just say you made a bad decision by dating someone for so long if you're only going to base the relationship on sex.

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    • I like that. I'm just a nice fool who messed up. I just hate that a good person is going to get heart broken... it sucks and I hate being that dude but I am unhappy.

    • If he only based the relationship on sex, he'd have been gone 10 years and 11 months ago.

  • That's sad...

    Considering she lost her youthfulness while being with you, and you got older too... But men age better.

    Just talk to her about it, tell her that if she doesn't at least meet you in the middle, you're done.

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    • I think him dumping her would be a great idea. I would think after 11 years' they would communicate more better and he would respect her boundaries. Obviously the way he talks about her, treats her, etc. shows he does not show respect for her...

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    • I never spoke shit about you and I'm not sexist? Please show that? I said we both stubborn?

    • I don't respect religion and believe that causes trouble, hence i think you in trouble. Just saying.

  • This sounds really difficult, and you've had this talk with her about desire for adventurous intimacy?

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    • Its truly difficult. Yes we have discussed it. Here is another problem, lets say I want to 'try" something new and she doesn't want to. There are a few things. I can live with the fact that some people don't want to do things, that's fine. I can also accept that if you love someone enough you can sometimes make a sacrifice or two, but in my case, I have never experienced anything and wouldn't know. So there is a lot going through my mind.

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    • This is a difficult situation.. I wish you the best of luck. Everything happens for a reason, sometimes it's those situations that bring clarity to our lives.

    • Thank you... it is tough. Its just her that I worry about now. I will be fine but I never wanted to hurt her and it always reminds me of that saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions'

  • I don't think it makes you a bad guy. I mean, men need sex. Simple as that. Better to leave her than cheat on her.

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  • This is why people should wait to have sex until after they get married... gosh you're a charm. Aren't ya?

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    • For what? So he'll have to be stuck with her forever or have to hire a lawyer and file a divorce for the same reason? Nah this is actually whu people should have sex before marriage: to know if you're compatible.

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    • @ifheonly: awesome you had choice. I didn't? Get my drift? I was so drilled to stick with one partner that it was sin to leave her. It took me a whole but I am done now. I'm my own man (one godless son of a bitch too)

    • Took me a while...

  • You must not value her at all 11 years and sexually unpleased im sorry to hear about that. Have fun though just dont break her heart by doing this behind her back just breakup if busting a nut is that serious to you and her having to find out herself makes it so much worse. Have fun with a slut, bust your nut, lose a meaningful relationship and ask yourself if it was all REALLY worth it...

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    • He's going to be kicking himself for having stayed that long.

    • Pearls of wisdom 1) I thought exactly what you thought when I was dating her. The writing was on the wall but I thought "how could I break up with someone for sex" but then you grow and you start seeing that she actually deserves a guy who is less sexual than me because our wants are different. Sex is very important and if you not feeling it, you will cheat on a person you love.

    • Im not knocking you, you just waited a bit long.

  • What kind of things you like that she doesn't do? You should of broken up a long time ago because its going to hurt her more now especially if its about her sex game. As a girlfriend she could of tried to do more pf the things you like, the situation is very simple yet complicated.

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    • I know... I know I should of broken long ago (see my religious attacks below) but I only found myself later in life. She doesn't like bj's, can't orgasm from any position other than cowgirl (cowgirl for 11 years for her), she hates outdoors, never initiates and has no fantasies. I have tried to address all that and she doenst come to the party.

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    • Ummm she sounds lucky. Like you just made me wish I had a boyfriend, the acting out 50 shades of grey is pretty sexy and the dishes. What I really mean is you are playing all you cards and she hasn't made a move yet. She probably don't realize it but a woman like me would love a man like you. She better step up her game.

    • I feel bad that everything is good besides the sex.

  • I don't think it's bad, though I wouldn't want to be in that position. If you think it's worth it to lose all of those good qualities for sex, then do it.

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    • It's losing her for somebody good with good sex. I believe there is somebody better suited for me and I settled way to soon.

    • Have you found the person yet? What if the next person is good at sex but not as a good person as your ex? You will have to compromise, lose few things to get other things filled up at the end. However, you might be happy as well, it's just different. Not like her+good sex. I know it's not what you asked, just saying.

    • No I havnt found that person. But when I see my awesome female friends and hear some of the shit they get up to, it makes me jealous and sad at the same time. Like I know there is something more suited to me out there.

  • if you say it like that then yes lol however you've already listed the reasons you should let her go! if you can't talk to her and open her up then you can move on and not feel bad! Just be nice telling her and find what you need man life is too short... however i hope you find someone who does all that stuff and rocks in bed there aren't a ton of us! ;)

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    • I honestly don't believe women are naughty in bed unless they are paid. Seriously. Like that's how I view the world.

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    • I know... I know my thinking is distorted. The only way I can prove it wrong is to leave her and test that assumption. I even asked her what her fantasy was. She has none? Seriously! Like how! Why!

    • wanting more isn't wrong... some girls just don't like to experiment...

What Guys Said 9

  • Kinda makes you a bad guy, you have someone every other "nice" guy dreams of, hahahaha,

    11 years is a long time my friend, you probably won't find another woman more suitable for a Man.

    Why not just keep trying?
    P*ssy is all the same, they'll just be between different legs, but they all have the same pulse..

    Don't throw away if you have even a single doubt of regretting it later.
    I think you should stay.

    ( between you & me, just cheat secretly until she gets so mad, she'll have angry sex with you, it's almost as good as revenge sex ) -wink wink.(kiddin' )

    Cheers mate !

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  • It's your life, if that's not what makes you happy then move forward, no need in procrastinating the inevitable. And you don't have to pay girls to be naughty, some like it some don't... yours doesn't, you aren't willing to accept that so move on... nothing wrong with it but I think you'll miss her more than you realize!!

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  • It doesn't make you a bad guy. In fact, I kinda salute your courage to actually do it.

    Although keep in mind that it might be hard to find someone who's as good as she is things not related to sex.
    If I were you, I'd try to have a brutally honest conversation with her about it. If she still doesn't care, well, it's her problem.

    Besides, you can just find a girl on a side that will pleasure you. Or even better (if she's into that) you can make her a cuckquean. Google up what is it.

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  • I think you're fine. Sexual compatibility is huge in a relationship.

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  • No, it makes you an idiot.

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    • Why? Do not say that without justification?

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    • Or I can get a girl that had more closer values to me, making me happy and therefore making her happy?

    • Keep thinking you'll find a girl that'll be both good at bed and still be as good as this one outside the bed. You're in for a wrong trade because of a simple delusion.

  • I guess life is more than sex!

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  • Yes, it's stupid to dump her for that reason

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  • No. You have a right to be with someone who is compatible with you and who will meet your needs. Many women will say that you are an ass because you only care about sex. Ignore them. If the roles were reversed, and the woman was leaving her BF because they are not sexually compatible, those same exact women would say it is perfectly fine because she has a right to a boyfriend who is compatible with her.

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  • 11 years, holy shit

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    • Dude... it's a fuck up. My religious upbringing won and I fuckin regret it with every beat of this destroyed thing I call a heart.

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