How can I let my wife know I'm fed up with her behavior toward me and am ready to leave unless there is a change in how she treats me?

She was in a bad job, getting harrassed by a narrisistic boss. While trying to 'get over it' after being fired, she decided she had been living her life for everyone else, and now it's all about her only. I don't figure in to her plans. I don't get why I'm lumped into 'everyone'.

I'm ready to give up after 20 years, but don't want to. She doesn't even want to discuss it, and only cares about the money I bring home.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • you have to tell her how you feel dont let her but in. Tell her of things have to change soon or you will have to let her go.. tell her how you feel and why your upset.. just say the truth and let her dicide what she wants but if things dont change leave..

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    • I think she's ready, but wants me to file, she won't. She's pretty much said as much. I'm on a business trip for two weeks and my personal counselor suggested we take the time to put some space between us. When I get home I'll be having this conversation, at our last therapy appointment.

    • And thank you for your reply. I'm 47 and terrified of starting over (I've seen too many man get divorced and then have no one in their live, I don't want to die lonely, on the other hand, I already am in the dead husk of this relationship, so best to try to find true love later in life). In my state, you need to separated for a year, I don't want to lose the equity in my home, and she doesn't make enough yet, still temping, so I'll be supporting her and myself. We were just barely making it as it was. We have reserves, but whoops, here they go!

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What Girls Said 2

  • How can I let my wife know I'm fed up with her behavior toward me and am ready to leave unless there is a change in how she treats me?
    You can tell her point-blank however I'm guessing what you really want to know is how can you tell her so that it results in her changing. Bit curious as to what you'd liked her to change to.

    I don't get why I'm lumped into 'everyone'.
    Most likely you were lumped into everyone as she thinks she had been living her life for you. Possibly reasons for thinking that may be because she gives more than you do sexually (statistics on the gap on orgasms/oral), she used to work and do all/most of the household chores (statistics/studies show gals generally do this), she used to put your desire to f*ck over her unwillingness to curb you 'cheating' or keep you happy (maintenance sex), her complaints were seen as nagging (I find most guys brush off their partners concerns), etc.

    "I'm ready to give up after 20 years, but don't want to"
    Bit curious as to why. If it's your finances you can attempt a post-nupital. If it's love then reevaulate if you want a love where your partner is seemingly resentful/angry towards you and felt disadvantaged.

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    • I appreciate your answer. It's about love, not finances. We both started with together with nothing, and I expect we'll leave with half each after the lawyer cats get their piece. I've been trying to be a better lover, there is practically no maintenance sex, maybe 3 times last year total, I've given her oral about 20 times and received it maybe twice last year. No kids, another blessing, though not what I wanted either. She decided at some point she'd be an unfit mother, and finally, no I don't want a resentful wife. She's done with therapy, doesn't like it, doesn't fit into her tight schedule she's created for herself.

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    • "There is practically no maintenance sex" ... currently
      "I've given her oral about 20 times and received it maybe twice last year. "... last year

      You're seemingly stating her changed behavior not how it was for the majority of your relationship.

      She's changed so understandably there is no maintenance sex and oral is slanted towards her. That's suggesting to me before sexual relations were mainly for and about you hence why you're included in 'everyone'.
      no longer

      So it seems suited to part ways as you don't want a resentful wife and she's seemingly showing she resents you.

    • Meh likely you won't get that wife back as she seems to regard that wife as her living her life for you. Suggesting an imbalance of happiness. You appear to be happy with the way things were but it appears she was not.

      It may be suited for her to fight for a settlement from her ex-company and fight with and ignore you as in her view it seems both have made her life living about them despite the drawbacks. In my opinion just focusing on the major problem doesn't negate the other problems.

      It seems the occupational abuse was just the eye opener to how unhappy/disatisfied/resentful she is/was about (main/major) factors in your relationship.

  • If talking to her doesn't work then go to counselling. I think this issue sounds bigger than you might be able to handle on your own and you are not an objective third party that she is likely to listen to. For her it is really like she has just come out of an abusive relationship - but not with her spouse, with her boss. And she has probably spent more time there than at home with you.

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    • I've been to counseling and after a couple months, she's made it clear that our next appointment will be our last. Yes, I wish she would have spent more time at home with me. She took a year off (didn't look for six months, got therapy, took another six to find a job, and now is back in school suddenly working on finishing her bachelors, which is cool, but she went from having plenty of time and not wanting to spend it with me to having no time and not wanting to spend it with me.

    • I'm so sorry to hear that - it must be tough. Do you think she has found someone else already? I don't know if there is anything else you can do - it sounds like she's already checked out of the relationship. The trouble is, whatever you try to do will probably only push her further away. I know once my mind is made up that I don't want to be with a guy anymore then nothing can change it - I think it is how we are wired - we will carry on unhappy for a while and then just 'snap' when we've had enough.

What Guys Said 2

  • To understand a problem is easier than to correct it. instant success is too hard better to find a safe place then to strive into demanding action. its good to notice when your adding fuel to the fire... good to have a warm heart and sometimes a place to go so to let her be. no one is perfect and most of us don't do great under pressure as you know. 20 years is long time up and down is sometimes normal better to stay even then have lots of highs and lows. ... again find a safe place to approach any issues from in hard times. It is often better than facing things head on. or else her love might walk out the door. even if she needs your money her love out the door is worse then you going out the door.. cuz you want to work it out. giving her some time rather then demand stuff can be helpful. the oracle is telling as to the question of.. what you can do to make it all good again. be beautiful like a melon in the shade... that is big bright and calm and anytime she is being less than you be good to her and you will be rewarded! smile and your in like flint. because you love her and she you. men have success when they find that intuitive understanding of what can and canot be and putting efforts with what works. is there a message here an expression of mind or culture something in a song movie poem or letter that is deserving of your attention. im giving free readings for the month of feb 2015. if you have a question ask. thanks

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  • After twenty-ish years I'm ready to give up and kill herself but I'm willing to tell you don't. If that made no sense than good. I say the low unenviable death of a person one year younger than me. Continuing longer than oneself is better than giving up. Affirmative. Depression is a long hard road and unless you lived that by yourself you are unwilling to live that with anyone else.

    That is the basic and I had to fight for that. If this means nothing than go for it, if not than don't.

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