Is there any hope for this marriage?

We have been married nearly a year now. When we were dating, things were great. She showed interest in me, told me she loved me all the time, sent me messages telling me how much she loved me and missed me. On our wedding day, she chose to spend that night apart from me, with her friends instead of with me, and it's all been down hill from there. She shows me zero affection and there's zero intimacy - emotional or physical. She's glued to Facebook and her phone from the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed at night. She never wants to do anything with me other than watch tv, we never go out. If I don't say it first, she never tells me she loves me When I try to kiss her she kisses me with her lips pursed, like you would when you kiss a relative on the cheek. I bend over backwards trying to make her happy - I clean, cook, do the laundry, go grocery shopping, make her lunch for work, make her coffee when she wakes up, rub her back and feet for hours when she gets home from work, tell her constantly how beautiful she is, how much in love with her I am, and I get nothing back. I talked to her sister about her, told her about all the messages she sent me in the beginning telling me how she loves to cuddle, kiss, spend time together, etc, and her sister laughed then told me that was the fake "Amy" (fake name) she wanted me to believe she was, and now I was seeing the real "Amy", the mask has fallen off and now I am seeing the true person I married. Her entire family has all told me she is the problem, not me - her own adult daughter even told her to stop being a bitch, that she was ruining the best thing that's ever happened to her! When I try to talk to her about how I feel she gets very angry and tells me I'm just like the other men she's been with, that she's never been good enough, and the conversation goes no where. I am very much in love with this woman and would do anything for her, and divorce is not an option. How do I fix this?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • For how long did you date this woman before you married her? I find it very weird that someone would put on such a show and then change completely on the day of the wedding. I also find it very weird that her entire family doesn't speak nicely of her and confirms she put on an act before marriage.

    You say you are very much in love with this woman but in truth, it doesn't look like you can stand who she has become, or rather, who she has been all along but managed to hide before she got the ring on her finger.

    I honestly don't know what can be done. If she's so calculative that she indeed put on an act to get you to marry her, then there's not much hope to appeal to her senses and to ask her to work (with you) on the marriage. You say you try to talk to her and she reacts with anger, so that's not an option either.

    After a year, she most likely isn't going to change again and return to what she was before marriage, especially since her sister confirms that it was all fake. If I were you, I'd probably consider leaving her. I know it's easier said than done, but you clearly aren't happy and hoped to marry a person that was never her, a person that was never real. The only thing (aside from separation) that I can think of is that you give her the cold shoulder a bit. Stop going out of your way to please her if she isn't giving you what you need. That means no massages, no coffees, no compliments. Show her a little what it's like to be treated the way she treats you.

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    • We dated for just under a year before the marriage. Looking back I see red flags I missed at the time - her telling me she loved me too quickly, an overwhelming desire from her to get engaged then put it all over Facebook, Also, something I forgot to mention - when we are together around her family she shows me affection, but that's the only time she does. It feels like she's putting on a show to make them believe everything is perfect. When it's just her and I there's nothing. The thing about it is, I don't see what she has to gain by being manipulative. When I do all those things for her I do so because I want to make her happy, not because I'm expecting something in return, and she knows this.

    • I think the main thing to understand here is that it's not you who is the problem, but it's her. The fact she told you she loves you early on and was eager to broadcast it over Facebook and goes to great lengths to make others believe that everything's great tells me that she's more in love with the idea of being in love, or specifically with being married, than actually making marriage work with a guy for the right reasons, i. e. because she loves him. I guess she had this image of what life should be like; that she should be a married woman, but deep down inside she simply isn't able to give a husband what most other women can. It's clear that she is the one with the issues and I suspect she would need several sessions with a therapist, but of course she'd have to admit that she has issues first and show willingness to work on herself. It's very unfortunate for you, but I don't think it's within your control to save this marriage.

Most Helpful Guy

  • "I am very much in love with this woman "

    no you're not. You're in love with the mask, the performance, the character, the woman who never existed.

    Run forest. Run like fuck and don't look back.

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What Girls Said 2

  • Step 1
    Have a conversation with her. This means no electronics, no FB, just you and her facing each other, talking.
    Step 2
    Once you have followed step 1, look her in the eyes the entire time. This tells a girl that you are always there for her. Have a deep conversation with her about everything and instead of asking the internet what to do, ask her

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  • Counseling is needed for sure.. What bride doesn't stay the night with her groom? Red flag!

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    • She told everyone who questioned it that her and I had discussed it beforehand and had agreed that we had the rest of our lives to spend together & that I was okay with the arrangements - this was a conversation that never happened! As we were leaving the reception she informed me she would be staying with her friends - I was so completely shocked I didn't know what to do. The days leading up to the wedding she refused to allow me to help in any way and did not want me around at all either. She did not involve me in any of the planning, picking decorations, etc. - she even excluded me when she picked up the rings from the jeweler who resized them for us! She did all of this with one of her friends that was living with us at the time.

    • Hmmmm several red flags.. To answer your question I don't think it will last without professional intervention asap.

What Guys Said 5

  • Read your question and all the comment you gave. And the answer is... NO. The marriage was never good from the start, so there is nothing to recover. She didn't even care enough to pretend to be married on your wedding night. I am even suspicious as to whether she stayed with her female friends or used them as cover to get to another guy. When she returned home there should have been a note from you on her pillow saying You would return after seeing the lawyer. Your marriage never was.

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  • You cannot fix someone who is already who she is. That real girl is all that is left and that fake girl you loved is dead. Your are going to be unhappy the rest of your life because she is who she is and isn't going to change for you. You was tricked and betrayed which is grounds for divorce. If divorce isn't an option for you then don't cry about it and smile and continue to be her puppet.

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  • Never been married and never have any experience so I'll just say There is hope.

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  • Fix it by Divorcing her. I'd bet she's glued to her phone because she has an Internet boyfriend...

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  • You really need couples counseling.

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