How do you let go of a toxic relationship?

We broke up over 2 years ago. He moved out west after he graduated college and Im still here. We haven't spoken since, I deleted his number and Facebook. Everything. But this guy changed my life. I always knew he was a bad guy but it is if the bad guy was what kept me so interested. I never knew which way the relationship was going to be. I knew when it would end though that it wouldn't end well.
Have you seen the video of Eminem with Love the way you life? The guy in the video is my ex. And I am so inlove with him and after 2 years I can't get over it. He changed me. I never knew when he left if he was going to come back again. But he always did eventually. He was emotionally abusive and it was awful but at the same time I loved every moment of it.
I have been with another guy for a year and ahalf. I said yes to him beceause I needed someone to help me escape the toxic relationship. And yes I love my new guy. He treats me right, he is always there for me. But we never fight, the relationship is easy. Im so addicted to my old relationship. Every waking day I thinnk about the bad guy. He said he was sick of immature relationships and new that he didn't treat me right. I just dont understand. I need help. Why can't I move on?
I feel like I loved the idea of him, a strong build, tall, musclar handssome, loved the outdoors, everything I liked. But he would go days without contacting me. Ignore me in public. Even told me he ignored me to keep me interested. We are not getting back together and probably never seeing eachother ever again. But last summer we caught sight of eachother and I always feel this violent turn in my stomach and sinking in my heart as if my body is rejecting him. Even though my heart is screaming for him. I dream about him often and when I do its like Im searching for the negativity in the dream and when I find it, its him. And in the dream when he glances up at me its light he's ashamed for what he did. Im so upset over this whole thing.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • It's similar to the Stockholm Syndrome; you're trapped by this bad person but you begin to defend him because you start empathize with him. Then, you want to seek his approval. Him starving you of attention just makes you want it more. All you want to do is just have him give you that satisfaction. This is normal to people who get abused. The first step is to tell yourself that you deserve better; you don't deserve to be treated that way. Then associate that pain to him; he never did any favors for you. Stay away from him. When there's that small desire to want him, remind yourself the hurt and pain and anguish and focus on that pain. A small part of you has hope that he will change and treat you better and give you that attention, but you're only fooling yourself.

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    • Totally agree with NerdInDenial. Do yourself a huge favor and work on seeing an unhealthy and abusive situation for what it is and never let yourself be in one again.

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    • I agree! Listen to him!

    • there is really nothig to add here. NerdinDenial is absolutely right!

Most Helpful Girl

  • He isn't very nice at all... i think he's right.. . you could definitely find a lot better, don't try to fix him because he will only keep abusing and harming you mentally... pull yourself away and forget, take some time however long you need to get over this and keep building on a better life, don't rush into another relationship just have some me time for a while, don't let him mess with you any more than he has because he's damaging to you and every girl he comes across, stay clear and keep yourself busy, delete his number and remove anything that will remind you of him then you will be fine. The more you go running back more you will also damage yourself.

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What Guys Said 10

  • Your new guy sounds wonderful. This pain doesn't go away but it does fade. I would have advised taking a few years to be single after the bad boy left but you didn't, so you need to heal with someone to help you. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can put too much on him.

    Solitude helps these things for me, but for others I suppose it doesn't. Your feelings will not leave, but they will fade. I lost the love of my life 9 years and 3 serious relationships ago. I still miss her... But it's not a debilitating pain. I was a mess for a few years afterwards and ended up in a relationship with an abusive psycho who held me for two years. After ending that I moved away, lived alone, and had almost no contact with anybody for about a year. That helped me face my demons and clear my head.

    Then I made the same mistake again. With her sister. I even broke up with a real sweet hearted lady to be with her because, well, reasons. 1.5 years later I ended it. I have dated since then and I was even in a pretty serious relationship that ended civilly. I had to learn my lesson; good girls are always better than bad girls. A freak is good, but a psycho is damaging. If you have a good guy then treat him right, and your pain will fade. Slowly, but it will fade. Don't make the same mistakes I made.

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    • jeez! just killed me reading this, i want to ask your opinion though since you might know. how long does it usually take a guy to get over a relationship, specifically a 4 year one?

  • Checkup on your male models growing up. Try to understand and compare and contrast them. I think it will answer a lot of questions for you.

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  • Girls like you have a real problem. Clinging onto abuse like this, or clinging onto abuse period is really bad. Why would you cling onto bad memories from a bad relationship? Do girls truly want to be treated like crap? That's just plain messed up!!!

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  • You let go by trying really hard. And get friends to support you and talk with you along the way. Best of luck.

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  • The only way to be over it is to stop wanting to get it back. Until you convince your heart and mind that you actually had something in your life that never should have been there and never provided you with anything that love stands for or represents then you will never be free from the prison that you have your heart locked in. The trick to freeing your heart is , you have to unlock it on your own ; and make a willing choice to never allow a man like him to hold the key. I hope that you want to be free of the stintch that he fouled your air with. No one should live such a length of time being tormented and abused by a person who isn't there any longer. Shake the dust of his filth off and free yourself.

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  • Instead of focusing on getting set up with the right dude. You can get over it by focus on your goals, your plans, and where you want to be in your life so you can develop the self esteem and confidence to realize that you deserve better. If you and your current dude don't fight about anything then that means he's afraid to be his own man and disagree with you, it shows a lack of confidence and it's something any woman will eventually get bored with. It sounds like you just jumped at the first dude that came along to make the rebound guy. Just focus on your life and being happy.

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  • Maybe you're attracted to that ex because he's an asshole and unavailable. It's typical, really. Maybe you like guys that treat you badly. Shrug.

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  • Move on already stop obsessing

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  • Get out their and meet new people

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  • Tell him sorry I dont want to continue then change your numbers block in Facebook

    Solved

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What Girls Said 8

  • oh honey... if he is abusive then u have to stay away from him, it is good for u in the long run. make it a challenge, say to urself that you're a fighter and that you will win, or seek therapy it can help you a lot.. perhaps u were to fast to start a new relationship, i mean maybe u ddnt give urself time to heal.

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  • I would try my best to just remind myself that he's bad. Keep telling yourself you're better than someone like that. You can't think of him. Maybe you need to actually find someone you really love. Sounds like your new guy is just there to heal the hole.

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  • Girl go out have fun and know there's tons of fine men u deserve better dance party hard love ure life and remember u only live once u don't hav stone for bushiter or regrets

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  • Realise that it was you that decided to let him change you and that your relationship with him was toxic.

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  • I am having trouble letting go of a toxic relationship too. I don't want to see him ever again. He's called me twice and texted me once since the break-up about 8 months ago, but I set it so that blocks him. I just want to get over him. I don't want anything to do with him after everything he put me through. It wouldn't surprise me if he's already over me and found another girl.

    I don't have much advice other than keep doing and pursuing what you love in life. You can't really force yourself to get over a relationship fast, it takes time and it's different for everyone. You can do things to distract you from it though.

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  • Sometimes love can be blind and we will blur out the mistakes and still be there for our man. No man is perfect, we just have to choose wich one we want to accept it.
    The truth is, that guy will always remember and say.. "She was a good girl"

    He will always come to you somehow because he knows you loved him.

    The guy that you with now sounds like a good guy but you are bored with him.

    Sweetheart that's normal, he's not for you if you feel that way. It's not your ex fault.

    I recommend that you find yourself first and have some type of closer with in yourself first to then move on in a relationship.

    Build yourself for the best, and you will meet someone that will help you build for the better.

    Live ;)

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    • Always follow your gut feeling.. If a man was always making u feel that way... The. Remember that's not happiness.

      DONT GO BACK TO YOUR EX LOL..

      Maybe when u meet him again you will see him differently and you won't be attracted to him..

      I say this bc I was with a son of a bitch man for 4 years.. He did me dirty and manipulated me to the point that I thought it was ok. He was in an open relationship with me lol I didn't know after we had broken up.

      I met another man and he was just to perfect. No arguements..

      Omg he was boring lol lol lol..

      I cheated on him with my ex.. He found out and broke up with me.. "My karma"

      But my ex was a turn off !!

      I see him different.. Not with love..

      I became numb with him to the point that I can walk Over him as well.. He discussed me now

  • I'm not saying this as a joke, I actually think it would help if you go speak to a counselor about this, either at school or you can find one from work, they're usually covered by insurance. This isn't a healthy habit and it doesn't seem safe for you to keep seeking that type of relationship.

    I also feel like you should let go of your current boyfriend because it isn't fair to him. It doesn't seem like he's the right guy for you if you're already bored of him in just 1.5 years into the relationship.

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  • Maybe your new guy isn't right for you? You can still have an exciting relationship: do things like outdoor activities, have angry sex or sassily argue with each other! Yes there are guys out there who will treat you right and be nice who ALSO would love to do the above too! Maybe you just need to look more

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