Dreams or marriage?

Sorry this is so long... My wife and I are early 20's, married less than 1 year, no kids. When we were dating we had ambitions to travel and move out of Arizona to somewhere with a beach. We both agreed that we didn't want kids. I wanted to earn my PhD in biology so I could be a researcher and she wanted to further her career in business (she already had her degree). I have savings and I'm using it to earn my bachelors degree (She's not paying for it). This was the plan all throughout our engagement, and we were both happy with it, or so I thought. Soon after our wedding, she tells me that she doesn't want to move out of state, she wants kids, and she doesn't want me to get a degree past my bachelors because she doesn't want to be the sole bread winner. Had she told me this before our wedding, this wouldn't be an issue. Mind you, she didn't tell me all at one time, this was spread out over a few months. She says that having a PhD won't earn very much money and is not worth it. I agree that I won't make a lot of money, but it's been my dream since childhood, and I don't really care about making much money past what we need to live comfortably. She wants me to get a degree in business or engineering or something similar that makes a lot of money... but it's just not what I want to do. At the time I told her that I'd push my PhD back a few years... that led to me not getting one at all. I also said that I'd consider kids (although I'm still unsure because that would make going back to school out of the question), and I said we could live in state if it made her happy. Now... I do love her, and I was really looking forward to the life that we planned before our wedding. The main reason I fell in love with her was because she was so different in what she wanted in life. I'm in the camp that a marriage is forever, but does that mean I have to give up my life so I can be a part of hers? Is my selfishness warranted? Am I giving her way too much control over my life?
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Most Helpful Girl

  • Do not give up what makes you happy in life for someone else. That doesn't mean do whatever you want but you need to find a compromise where both of you can have a life that makes happy.

    It sounds like she led you on and told you what you wanted to hear until you married her. Maybe she just reflected and realized she wanted something different but it sounds like everything she said she wanted was completely false. I would be very upset if someone did that to me. I would feel like this person I thought wanted the same things in life as me, actually doesn't exist.

    It sounds like the main issue may be very poor communication between you and your wife. Maybe she did not want to share what she really wanted for fear that she would lose you. That is very deceptive. Either way you need to be able to open talk about what you intend to do as a couple, regardless of how difficult it may be and if it ends the marriage or not.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • my personal opinion, even in marriage, it doesn't mean you sacrifice your life for the happiness of your spouse. it is still your life and you should be happy living it because its damn yours. it sucks that she went back on her words after marriage, but since you two are married you'll have to come to fair compromises, so it seems like she may be asking for too much without even considering her own husband's happiness. some people think once marriage is official whatever the husband wants doesn't really matter as long as the wife is happy, as the saying goes, "happy wife happy life", but that couldn't be further from the truth given the circumstances.

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What Girls Said 2

  • I think what she's saying is, she wants you to think practical. If you have children she'll likely have no pay, so if you like it or not, your income is more important than hers in that regard
    So isn't there something you can do that you also like but that makes a but more money. Like a phD in biochemical engineering or something?

    If you don't to compromise there, I mean just tell her. It's not worth sacrificing

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  • Marriage is compromise, that's what it is. When you think of marriage think of compromise. You won't be able to live your dream of having no kids, living by the beach with your PhD with the love of your life... But I think you can get some of those things. Maybe just your PhD? Or move to the beach? She's in a different time of her life, let's just say she 'grew up'. I also think she needs to give up something she wants too. Whatever you want the most is what you shouldn't give up. Do you really need to live by the beach? probably not. She wants kids? Maybe you can give that up, In return of you getting your PhD. Or say your PhD isn't on the top of the list but living by the beach is. As long you are able to provide enough money to live comfortably solely on your paycheck. After all You are the provider of the family and shouldn't rely on your wife to pay the bills.

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What Guys Said 1

  • Oh dude... I'm so sorry to hear that... well it seems like you're having a very bad time right now.. and if your wife love you that much.. she would allow you to complete your Phd... it seems like she wants money over your dream... and to be honest it's fair... she wants a family that will have a good life with good amount of money.. which will support your kids in the future... i don't know what to say.. just follow your heart.. it's just very hard matter to judge.. i can't tell you what to do.. it's your call... wish you best luck...

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