Sorry this is so long... My wife and I are early 20's, married less than 1 year, no kids. When we were dating we had ambitions to travel and move out of Arizona to somewhere with a beach. We both agreed that we didn't want kids. I wanted to earn my PhD in biology so I could be a researcher and she wanted to further her career in business (she already had her degree). I have savings and I'm using it to earn my bachelors degree (She's not paying for it). This was the plan all throughout our engagement, and we were both happy with it, or so I thought. Soon after our wedding, she tells me that she doesn't want to move out of state, she wants kids, and she doesn't want me to get a degree past my bachelors because she doesn't want to be the sole bread winner. Had she told me this before our wedding, this wouldn't be an issue. Mind you, she didn't tell me all at one time, this was spread out over a few months. She says that having a PhD won't earn very much money and is not worth it. I agree that I won't make a lot of money, but it's been my dream since childhood, and I don't really care about making much money past what we need to live comfortably. She wants me to get a degree in business or engineering or something similar that makes a lot of money... but it's just not what I want to do. At the time I told her that I'd push my PhD back a few years... that led to me not getting one at all. I also said that I'd consider kids (although I'm still unsure because that would make going back to school out of the question), and I said we could live in state if it made her happy. Now... I do love her, and I was really looking forward to the life that we planned before our wedding. The main reason I fell in love with her was because she was so different in what she wanted in life. I'm in the camp that a marriage is forever, but does that mean I have to give up my life so I can be a part of hers? Is my selfishness warranted? Am I giving her way too much control over my life?
- DreamsVote A
- MarriageVote B
Most Helpful Girl
Do not give up what makes you happy in life for someone else. That doesn't mean do whatever you want but you need to find a compromise where both of you can have a life that makes happy.
It sounds like she led you on and told you what you wanted to hear until you married her. Maybe she just reflected and realized she wanted something different but it sounds like everything she said she wanted was completely false. I would be very upset if someone did that to me. I would feel like this person I thought wanted the same things in life as me, actually doesn't exist.
It sounds like the main issue may be very poor communication between you and your wife. Maybe she did not want to share what she really wanted for fear that she would lose you. That is very deceptive. Either way you need to be able to open talk about what you intend to do as a couple, regardless of how difficult it may be and if it ends the marriage or not.1
Most Helpful Guy
my personal opinion, even in marriage, it doesn't mean you sacrifice your life for the happiness of your spouse. it is still your life and you should be happy living it because its damn yours. it sucks that she went back on her words after marriage, but since you two are married you'll have to come to fair compromises, so it seems like she may be asking for too much without even considering her own husband's happiness. some people think once marriage is official whatever the husband wants doesn't really matter as long as the wife is happy, as the saying goes, "happy wife happy life", but that couldn't be further from the truth given the circumstances.0