When he/she gives an Ultimatum?

So I've ended multiple relationships because I've been given an ultimatum. Most of them have been over small stuff, but I can't imagine being with someone who gives me one, like your setting yourself up to be left. If its that big a deal to you that you threaten leaving I don't want you anymore. This goes for girls and guys, whats your honest opinion on ultimatums?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • If you get an ultimatum, you get out. You give her a chance to retract the ultimatum and make it perfectly clear that you are giving a counter ultimatum: If she's the kind of woman who issues ultimatums, you're the kind of man who leaves such a woman.

    If she does not retract. You leave - right then, right there - and you NEVER look back. This is how she learns that issuing ultimatums is NOT acceptable to your romantic partner. Love and a romantic relationship is based on loyalty, trust, compromise, and flexibility. If she doesn't understand that, you need to leave ASAP. It is best for you and best for her. The only person it is not good for is the divorce lawyer that you were eventually going to get.

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What Girls Said 22

  • I've given a few to friends and even one to my boyfriend when he was still in the friend status.

    I told him that he can either get his act together or gtfo.

    Ultimatums only work when you really want them to and are willing to follow through with the threat should the receiver choose not to do what you want :p

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  • Depends. Like if you can't be honest with me I won't be with you--You're just letting them know you expect respect And won't tolerate otherwise -- in my opinion that makes sense and you're basically giving them the option of keeping the relationship as apposed to just leaving. If you're going to leave then I think it's nice to give a chance first.

    Lactualy I see no problem with it. People have preferences abd you're free to leave if you're not feeling it. The fact you left after an ultimatum doesn't mean it was wrong. If that stuff is important to that person they'd have left anyways. You leave or she leave. Once an ultimatum is stated that's the general idea. It happens it it's over.

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  • I don't like the idea of ultimatums there's something kind of insulting about them and something a bi controlling. It gets my back up for sure. I do get though that there's a point where the other person needs to know where you're at so they can make life choices that further their own goals, dreams, plans. I think how the other person approaches giving an ultimatum is important or I personally would get my back up about it as I hate being controlled or manipulated and will become very stubborn and resentful. I think an open discussion and honesty is the way to go and like if the other person explains their motives and reasons for giving an "ultimatum" like "I need to know where we stand or if you're going to move in or want to get serious as this job offer in another state is an option and important to me" or something to that effect.

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  • They are necessary sometimes. But for oneself, more than anything I guess.
    Like, if your man is cancelling a Friday nicht date short notice yet again to go out with his buddies, well then an ultimatum is a good thing. He either changes the way he treats me or its over...
    That is the only kind of ultimatum I can understand... if it is to protect yourself of getting hurt.

    Giving ultimatums to try and bully someone into doing something is not helping anyone tho

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    • Or, you could say it hurts your feelings, explain it to him like an adult.

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    • Ultimatums are selfish, and even if it works the relationship can't be the same anymore.

    • @E-Nigma Well, technically humans are incapable of true altruism (selflessness). Unless you discount intrinsic rewards as benefits. And the key point of an ultimatum is change, correct or not, the person will not tolerate the current situation any longer.

  • Depends. For example, if your partner who never used drugs before suddenly starts smoking method and becomes violent and irrational because of that, and you say 'stop using or I'm out'... that's one thing. Some behaviors, like violence, should simply never be tolerated. If it's more of a control issue like 'no male/female friends allowed', then it's about manipulation and power, and that's not acceptable, so I'd probably walk away.

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  • Of course depends on the issue.
    Personally, I'd rather be single and wait for someone who accepts me for who I am and vice versa.

    Just leave the person, don't expect them to change their habits. You can of course express your feelings and compromise, but I'm over the whole, 'do this or you loose me'.

    If you met them a certain way then don't expect them to change. For example, I'm dating a guy who is extremely ambitious and I'm expecting not to see him much for work, but I find ambition extremely attractive so thats a sacrifice I am willing to take!

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    • I agree with this a hundred percent. People wanna act like they didn't see it coming before they got in a relationship lmao

  • I think using an ultimatum may be necessary in some situations. And that fluctuates with every relationship and what their definition of the appropriate situation is. I think when it comes to drinking problems etc it may be the only option. But this should not be used to win an argument, or to get your partner to do what you want. You have to be ready for them to not follow through and take the steps to back out of that relationship. Basically it shouldn't be used unless your prepared for it to end.

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  • I feel the same. If its that important, we should sit down like adults and discuss why it is so important. You can't use how I feel against me. I don't like any mind games. "Prove how much you love me by doing..." Sorry I am not a child and will not put up with that.

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  • I don't do ultimatums watch to see how fast I leave if you try and give me ultimatums. I won't think twice.

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  • Communication is very important in order to at least reach a compromise. If no compromise can be reached then i would start to think maybe we should go our separate ways.

    To finish a relationship without trying to reach some agreement, then it kind of shows the state of the relationship, and the condition it was in.

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  • I feel like people do the whole ultimatum thing much too easily. Like for little things as you said, and that's just stupid. An ultimatum should only be given for really serious make or break moments, where you are basically going to leave anyway because you cannot deal with the relationship anymore and you're giving them one last ditch effort to maybe fix things.
    I've luckily never had to use one, or ever been given one but that's just what i think about them.

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  • If you want shit to change with your relationship you need to give an ultimatum. They're not bad it's just you be strong enough to be like "hey I'm sick and tired of you taking advantage of how I feel and if it doesn't stop I'm leaving". The thing is you have to stick to your word! It's hard but it'll grant your respect from her and yourself.

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    • Or, instead of causing needless drama, you could talk with the man like an adult. And if he doesn't listen then leave him, no need for threatening. I'm 16 and surrounded by 20 and 30 year olds, yet I'm the mature one it seems. :/

    • Don't gas yourself up. @unimaginative2 clearly if you can read you can see he's tried talking to her over and over which is why give an ultimatum is necessary. It's not threatening the person it's simply saying I'm not allowing myself to get hurt and walking away.

    • Despite whatever it is sometimes communication really just doesn't work and then you have another issue. Giving an ultimatum isn't threatening the person it's letting the person know that you're strong enough to leave because the situation isn't being resolved. needless drama would be caused by not doing anything about it. So if you're trying to discuss it and they're not listening, that is going to start a fight later on and now you avoided the fight because you just letting them know that you're not dealing with this and that's it. then the person knows why you're leaving and then you both move on and find someone better. This is coming from an "immature 19 year old". You'll find that sometimes talking can fix it and then everything is good but there will be times, I promise you, where you'll really want to make it work with a person but talking is doing it, giving an ultimatum might be the only thing left or you just walk.

  • If you want me to change myself so much that you give one... I don't want to be with you.

    If you are going to threaten to leave me if I don't do xyz... I don't want to be with you.

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  • Ultimatums, in my opinion, should be used as kind of like a warning. Say if you have a depresstion/anxiety disorder and you warn them of your triggers and irrational thinking when you have a spell then that's okay. But using it as a threat is cocky and is NOT attractive.

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  • If it's over small stuff, it's stupid.. and you did the right thing.

    I am guilty of doing it in the past.

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  • Definitely can't be about small stuff. An ultimatum should really be about the well-being of the other person. I really appreciated when my bf told me he couldn't marry me unless I stopped a harmful habit; he's one of the only people I trust to look out for me. He framed our discussions about it with a lot of sensitivity, and forced me to make the decision myself rather than let him make it for me (that's an issue I struggle with).

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  • I am a serial dater who HATES ultimatums so NEVER gives them to others.

    Me not happy = me gone asap :)

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  • It's not just all about you. Respect your partner. You night be a bit angry with me for saying this but one day when you experience that all your relationships has gone wrong because you're selfish you be happy

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    • I have never given an ultimatum because I have excepted my partners for who they are. It could be argued that they are being selfish for trying to change the partner, but some people just think their shit doesn't stink.

    • These days people thinks that things that they do aren't so ooo wrong. And accepting a partner the way they are is great. But do you have the same qualities in a partner? Or do you make your partner stress a lot on purpose and make her not feel as special. Do you think a lot of your arguments could've been avoided if it wasn't for the way you do certain things? you and your partner are still young. You are both going to change so much in anyway. If you look back in 5 years you be like why the he'll was I doing things so different back then? So start thinking if the person she's trying to change you into is the type of guy you'd like to be one day? Or do you want to be your own stubborn single self that mess around all the time? Everything's about choices everyday and in the end you decide who you want to be. but just keep in mind that you are influencing someone else's feelings which you're not supposed to take up lightly if you're in a relationship with her.

    • She tried to change me into the man SHE wants me to be, which I will not become. You will learn more from self study then any other person can teach you.

  • very immature... basically the two need to talk it out to come to an understanding.

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    • I disagree. I am simply straight to the point. If anything ultimatums are a way to exert your will over another's, and are much more
      Immature in principle then simply ending it with someone who gives you an ultimatum.

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    • Sorry, I misread.

    • cheers :)

  • Personally if I give someone an ultimatum its either I don't like them anymore or much

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  • They are necessary sometimes..

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    • I'd personally rather be left than given an ultimatum. If they don't like me anymore or aren't willing to discuss it like an adult without having to cause drama then I think it's time to break up. you know?

  • Ultimatums should only be a last resort. It is basically saying "I really like you but just cannot tolerate this one behaviour that is a deal breaker for me - so I'm giving you the option to address it, otherwise I am gone". It should only be used for things that are a deal breaker (that is, that goes against your personal values). If someone used it for small stuff then I'd be out of there because it is manipulative - but I understand someone doing it for a major issue. But I would expect that the person would have told their partner several times that it bothers them before issuing an ultimatum. I have only issued one twice (two different guys). One changed immediately, the other started his own threats of leaving but then when I was about to leave he changed. I don't think it is good to issue them, but I don't think if you get issued one you should automatically dump the person... you need to decide whether the ultimatum is genuine - have you just refused to address a legitimate concern the other person has that is of high value to them, or are they being manipulative.

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What Guys Said 25

  • To me, an ultimatum is a ploy for power and a relationship based on power is not compatible with a relationship based on love and respect. If you succumb to an ultimatum, you will not own your life thereafter. You have no real choice but to reject the ultimatum.

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    • This is kinda how I feel about it.

    • I can see where your coming from but I've been given an ultimatum and give them myself and never looked at it with the concept of power. I believe its just telling the person you've have enough and you want to be able to talk and fix this without having to just walk away in the end.

    • So, if that's what you want to say, you can say it without "either. . . or," and then it's not an ultimatum.

  • Ultimatums should be over absolutely HUGE STUFF only.

    Even your definition of huge varies, though. Fr'instance, a lot of girls on here seem to dislike their bfs having female friends.

    Girl gives guy an ultimatum to stop having those female friends.
    I (if I was the guy) would respond with one to accept my friends or GTFO.

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  • Barring something your significant other is doing that endangers him/her or you, or is something that got sprung on you and was not a part of that person's life when you started seeing them, then I agree with the rest and with you. Ultimatums are merely forms of manipulation and a form of emotional abuse.

    Ultimatums are not healthy in any relationship and you're wise to move on from someone who does that sort of crap.

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  • Some ultimatums are reasonable, like:

    I want to be married and start a family. If you can't commit to doing that, then I need to find someone who will.

    I will not stay with you if you continue to drink to excess.

    I will not stay with you if you have sex with others.

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    • I don't believe that ultimatums can change people, in the short term yes. but they go back to doing the same things...

    • I don't either. Most of the time, the ultimatums are futile and the relationship ends.

  • Man ! i ended my marriage because she gave me ultimatums after we got married.. of course sometimes , we (men) need to listen to women's needs, and also forgive their emotional moments.. but if it's done out of being bossy , or like ( Am in Charge , Honey ! ) , or out of being spoiled like ( her Daddy's Queen ) then yeah.. dumb her immediately.. in 2015 we got no times for hustles and stupid needy destructive relationships ,.. like we didn't need'em in earlier ages in the 1st place too.

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  • It's a case by case situation. Like telling my wife she has to stop drinking uncontrollably especially now that we have kids around. An ultimatum would be justified.
    Saying take me on a date or it's over... is stupid.

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  • A lot of the times ultimatums are things that the person knew their SO was doing before they got in a relationship. If you give a guy/girl an ultimatum to not drink as much or stop drinking and this is a guy/girl that before you started dating would party every other night, get drunk, and all that stuff thats kinda on you. He was "fun" before you starting dating but now its getting to be "too much." People just need to watch out for signs before they get in a relationship in my opinion. I read comics like Spiderman, X-Men, Batman, and stuff like that which I think isn't a big deal so if a future gf of mine gives me an ultimatum to stop doing it because she doesn't like it or she thinks it makes her look bad being with a guy who does this then I'm saying fuck that bitch and I'm out. People say they "fall in love" with who their SO is but really they don't. They fall in love for other things which is just fake to me and thats why I don't even try to do relationships anymore.

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  • Well if you weren't a smoker, and you start smoking, then I would give you an ultimatum to quit because I would not endure that shit. So I think there are times when it is reasonable.

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  • Then it's over. Simple as that. If someone has taken this route to be controlling your either headed to counseling, out the door, or choose to endure rough (relationship) waters until you refer to the former two choices.

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  • My now ex just said she wanted me to not hangout with other girls, like even friends I had for a while. She knows I don't have many friends n cutting off all my female friends is cutting off like 60 or 70% of my friends. I couldn't take that risk because friends are forever (usually) while shit goes south with relationships all the time

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  • Ultimatums only make sense in the case of things like addiction or other areas that are escaping your self control. Otherwise they are an assault on your character/personality.

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  • Yeah I think they're silly. Unfortunately a lot of people are just gonna give them if you're not offering something they clearly want out of you. But you're smart for losing interest if they're the type of people that throw that kind of thing in your face, it especially isn't fair if you have some type of belief or ethical code that they're clearly trying to circumvent just for their own pleasure.

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  • I can't be with someone who doesn't like Sprite. Its not in my criteria I'm sorry 3: I'd rather be single.

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  • When I get slapped with ultimatum I never bend the knee. I have a naturally rebellious heart so that shit makes me mad. You can still shape someone into the person you want them to be or need them to be without ultimatum and you can always compromise. Compromise being the key word ultimatum is no compromise it is strictly a one way thing and relationships go both ways.

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  • When I hear them I automatically do the opposite. You can't trap our love for this one thing you want me to stop doing. I'd never tell someone it's either that/this or me that's nuts

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  • Giving ultimatums for small things is stupid and idiotic. Not to mention, giving ultimatums are rather childish - especially at a rather young age.

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  • Well, it all depends on the ultimatum, why it showed up, and wether what I did was wrong or not.

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  • Some are rational and some aren't

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  • I like ultimatums! I see them as challenges I probably will not complete!

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  • People should lay those down if that is the way they feel. I have laid one down in the relationship I am in now. It was for the best. I don't play

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  • Can't say I blame you

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  • Sorry for not being helpful but whats an ultimatum?

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    • A choice, usually in a romantic relationship where one individual tells the other they must start/stop a behavior or they will leave the relationship.

    • Like a threat... that's just bad..

  • in my opinion giving your partner an ultimatum is the nuclear option. And you've already lost when you do that. Because you're saying that ultimately, this thing is more important to you than the relationship, than your partners feelings, AND you're being completely intransigent and not even willing to discuss a compromise.

    All of which, to me, says it's time for you (the person making the ultimatum) to be dumped.

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  • I completely agree.

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  • Ultimatums are a bad thing, always. It always generates negative feelings.

    If you want to threaten someone, even if you do end up getting what you want, the relationship isn't worth salvaging at that point any longer.

    I'm embarrassed to say I've gave near ultimatums myself, but they did not threaten to harm others, rather I told her that I would be very depressed and disillusioned. Which was true because I was very stressed, emotional, and hurting inside, and I wanted to just get away from it all.

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