How do I stop feeling shame and embarrassment about my past relationship?

It's been about 3 years, but it still makes me feel so terrible! It was during my senior year of high school that I found out my boyfriend of a year had been talking dirty to other girls from my school online and being flirty with them in person. I don't know if he did anything else. It makes me feel SO bad and shameful that I was associated with him. People from my high school still occasionally ask me about him today. I also HATE the fact that other girls probably felt like they were somehow "better" than me, cuz they had my guys attention while he was with me. He really messed me up in terms of my self esteem. He also put his hands on me once (choked me). The whole experience with him just really traumatized me I think. I have a boyfriend now, and he treats me wonderfully, but it hasn't fully helped these horrible thoughts. How do I get over these terrible feelings? (no harsh comments please, i'm feeling really bad about this..)


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I know exactly what it feels like to be haunted by the past but honestly, the past is the past. Its the past because it happened three years ago, it's been put behind you and its over. If you constantly dwell and think about the past then you'll be miserable forever and if you constantly think of the future you'll be worrying all the time and you'll be anxious. Just let it go and realise that you're happily in the present, you're in a better place now with a boyfriend that treats you perfectly. You don't need to think about that asshole anymore. He's in the past for a reason and remember that in life, we all go through these traumatic experiences sometimes just so we can learn new lessons to make sure we don't meet any more assholes. Be happy because you're beautiful and i'm sure your boyfriend thinks so too.

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What Guys Said 1

  • Horrible people tend to leave large marks on our lives. I've had a bad relationship that took 5 years to come to terms with. It will take time but it will fade. As long as your current boyfriend is understanding that will help too.

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What Girls Said 2

  • If you grow up the type of woman men want to look at. You can let them look at you. But do not mistake eyes for hands, or windows, or mirrors. Let them see what a woman looks like. They may not have ever seen one before. If you grow up the type of woman men want to touch, you can let them touch you. Sometimes it is not you they are reaching for, it could be a bottle, a door, a sandwich, a pulletser, another woman, but their hands found you first. Do not mistake yourself for a guardian, or a muse, or a promise, or a victim, or a snack. You are a woman, skin and bones, veins and nerves, hair and sweat. You are not made of metaphors, not apologizes, not excuses. If you grow up the type of women men want to hold. You can let them hold you. All day they practice keeping their bodies upright. Even after all this evolving, it still feels unnatural. Still strains the muscles, holds firm the arms and spine. Only some men will want to learn how it feels like to curl themselves into a question mark around you, admit that they do not have the answers they thought they would by now. Some men will want to hold you like the answer. You are not the answer, not the problem, not the riddle, not the punch line, or the poem, or the joke. Woman, if you grow up the type of women men want to love, you can let them love you. Being loved is not the same thing as loving. When you fall in love, it is discovering the ocean, after years of puddle jumping. It is realizing you have hands. It is reaching for the tightrope when the crowds have all gone home. Do not spend time wondering if you are the type of woman men will hurt. If he leaves you with a car alarm heart, you learn to sign along. It is hard, to move on from your mistakes. So forgive yourselves for the decisions you've made. The ones you still call mistakes when you tuck them in bed at night.

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  • I think you need closure

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    • I haven't had contact with him in 3 years and I refuse to ever talk to him again. I also wouldn't know how to find him anyway.

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