How can you move on without closure?

Sorry in advance for the essay! I really can't condense this much more.

I went on a few dates with a guy fom uni and they went fine. Then at the end of the 3rd date he said something about your first rejection being the worst, which I didn't realize was a rejection at the time (because he wasn't my first). So I kept talking to him but he gradually started being a bit more disrespectful towards me, like he'd imply I was stupid or 'accidentially' grope me (please don't call me a feminist, I'm not, I'd already told him I wanted to take things slow and I wasn't comfortable with that yet) then tell me I didn't know what a relationship was supposed to be like.

Then the last time I saw him (which was a couple of weeks ago) he told me he he was going to be really busy and wouldn't be able to see me much. About a week ago, I realized what he meant when he said your first rejection was doing to be really hard so I got a bit annoyed and messaged him on fb but he didn't admit that that was a rejection or that he was leading me on, which just frustrated me even more.

I'm 100% sure that it was because up until the 3rd date he was nice and respectful towards me. I just feel like I at least deserve an explanation about why he was acting like that so I can have some closure. I know this probably sounds extremly desperiate lol, but it's just really want some

Updates:
* but I just really want some closure or at least advice to help me move on

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Yes, you can move on. I've almost made a lifetime career of it.
    The wife of 6 years didn't even give a reason for divorcing me. She said she would one day, but that was decades ago.

    They don't need a reason and will rarely have one. I did get a reason one time.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • What do you think hearing an explanation that might explain why he was acting a certain way will bring you? In your opinion, would it be very probably that whatever reason he had, if he did have one, would justify disrespectful treatment of you?

    I used to feel the exact same way following who my last relationship ended. Had a thing for years, officially together for just a few months after drifting for a bit. I ended up losing my virginity to him, only to be cheated on not much more than a week later. I was close friends with all of his friends, and had been for several years, only making the whole situation much more difficult. For months, eventually a year, I was a wreck. Wondering what I did wrong to bring that on myself, and wishing at the very least he'd own up to being an ass, explain himself. A year and a half later after going completely NC, I got a FB message from him apologizing, saying he knew what he did was terrible, he was extremely sorry and wished I could forgive him.

    The point is, that made me feel not in the slightest any better. I was just as hurt as before. 'Closure' didn't erase the past, or change anything in the situation.

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    • How did you start moving on after that? It's just so confusing and there's so much that's unanswered.

    • It's definitely tough living with so many unanswered questions. My moving on was super slow. The few months afterwards, I was a shell of myself. Didn't really socialize, just met with a few close friends for drinks & to discuss it regularly. Went for jogs/walks daily, zoned out with my music. About half a year later, as I got busy with classes + hanging out with classmates afterwards did it really give me a push. I started working more, and just filled my time to minimize time I'd otherwise devote to analyzing what happened.
      Spend lots of time with friends, stay busy. Time is the best cure. :)

    • Thanks, it's definitely encouraging :)

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • sometimes you dont ever need closure. you just realize it is what it is and do yo thang.

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    • I'm having such a hard time, it feels like I'm going crazy because I just can't get it out of my head

  • I was in that situation with my ex. I had no closure as well... all I did was forgive her and try my hardest not to think about her. It worked really really well.

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    • I'm finding it really hard to forgive him though, I just can't do it

    • How did you forgive her?

    • I was watching this show and it said something about forgiveness. When I did get it in my head to forgive her I could feel the pain leaving me little by little.

  • As I see it (for my own clarity) you dated fine till the 3rd time after which he started being disrespectful and distant. He also said that the first rejection is the worst but didn't accept rejecting you. You first thought that as a rejection and later you got confused. Now you think (or doubt) that he is himself moving on but without giving it a closure or some clear explanation of his comment and his misbehavior.

    In my opinion, irrespective of whether he's moved on or not, you should message him that for you it is over between you two with you pointing out his misbehavior but politely and shortly. Its going to sound hard to then not expect an answer back from him. But it is much better than going after him for his explanations which might make you look desperate. Your calling it quits now has better chance of him returning with a reply if he really wanted. At least you will not be left hanging. You can also choose to just stop responding to him and move on without any closure in which case you might not appear desperate but will be left hanging if/until he returns. If he returns you might have a difficult time getting a closure then. You will just have to completely look uninterested and distant. I hope I am not confusing you even more.

    Please answer mine too.. here's the link:
    www (dot) girlsaskguys (dot) com/break-up-divorce/q1456630-how-do-i-get-my-sis-out-of-a-toxic-friendship

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What Girls Said 2

  • Seems like dude need to get a life... move on eff him. It's clear he's a liar. Manipulator. And he doesn't like you, you don't need closure from a piece of shit.

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  • I know you say you are 100% sure he said that rejection bit because he was planning on dumping you, but I am thinking that it might have been a coincidence. Maybe he simply realised after the third date that this isn't going to go anywhere. Either way, it doesn't really matter. Just wanted to give you an outsider's view on the situation.

    I didn't get any closure from one of my ex-boyfriends. It was a long distance relationship so it's not like I could confront him really. When you've only got the phone and emails, it's hard to get your closure from someone who simply doesn't want to give it to you. Like you, I felt like I needed it to be able to move on. I almost obsessively looked for this closure; was sure that I would never move on if I didn't get my answers, or at least THAT talk. What I've learnt after a long and miserable time is that I didn't really need it.

    What you need is time. It will bother you a little less every day and one day you will wake up and it won't bother you at all anymore. You might never forgive him, but you don't have to. I haven't exactly forgiven my ex. He simply does not matter anymore. Just make sure you don't get too obsessed with wanting and looking for this closure. I did that mistake and it's not good for your own sake.

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    • No, I know 100% that it was, it's way too big of a coincidence.

      It's definitely not easy letting go, but it really feels like it's killing you if you don't

    • I know it feels horrible and you feel like you absolutely need to have it. I would have done everything to get that closure from him and I was convinced I'd never ever be able to move on. But I did. I won't lie. It took a long time (over a year). But I did it, and so will you.

    • Thanks, it's definitely not easy

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