Guys, since he's been in jail, I've realized how I really feel. What do I do now?

He'd been getting distant for months, and it all started after the L word happened. It's like all of the sudden, I was both his everything, and also the scariest thing ever! Whenever I saw him, it was so intense and passionate, but at the same time I never got to see him anymore.

He started putting up these walls and making all these excuses to never have time for me. Everything in his life had set days and times, except me. I was literally being worked in, by appointment. I know he wasn't cheating, and I completely trust him. I know it's really love he's feeling for me.

I talked to one of his exes. She was another "epic" for him. She said the same thing happened to her, that he's so afraid of getting hurt, of being abandoned, that he once he's in love, he does this. His poor self image was really starting to bring me down and affect me too. But I just didn't realize any of this until he got locked up.

I don't know how long he'll be gone. It could be just a few more weeks, or a few years. He's also in another state (extradition), and I can't afford to pay the phone call fees. But even when we do talk, I've started to realize that I just don't feel that spark anymore. It's not because he's gone. It's because his abscense has only made me realize that I was already losing feelings for him because of the distance he created in his fear.

I know there is no "easy way", and that he's going to get hurt. But is there a better, or best way to tell him? I love him, and I still want to be here for him, if he wants that. I know that I could be very happy with him in the future if he could just get past these self defeating thoughts that plague him. I just don't want to see him sink further, or take this rejection as some kind of proof that he's "not worth it". He's actually pretty amazing. But now that I've realized all this, I can't go back to how it was, and I want to move forward with my life.

Updates:
He's locked up for back due child support; he just couldn't afford to pay even though he was really trying. The kids aren't even his, she was cheating with several guys, and he was tricked into signing the birth certificate; now he's stuck paying unless the real father (s) can be found, and only if they wanted to assume responsibility.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • This isn't really a situation I've been first l close to before but I think it's important to keep his sentence out of things. If you feel this way I would at least talk to him about it and give him the chance to change. You never know. He may want too.

    It will be difficult in jail of course but I think before you jump to a conclusion you at least need to tell him how you feel and give him a chance.

    As for his sentence, I think a lot of relationships suffer and break because of this. You just have to work out of this is one worth waiting for. There is of course always the opportunity to get together again after his sentence. Especially if you share a mutual agreement.

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What Guys Said 1

  • I just don't see how this relationship is going to work for you? he is locked up, you don't know how long for? He is another part of the country, and you can't go and see him.

    The guy hasn't got any money to make calls. I understand you love him, and he his amazing, but you have to be realistic with regards to the situation.

    What future are going to have with him, because I can't see you having any future, Sorry to say, but criminals rarely change their behavior, and they always keep landing back inside. Do you really to marry this guy, because if you have kids with him, and goes back inside, you are on your own, looking after them.

    You have to be realistic about your future, rather living in a love fantasy world, where everything will be ok.

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    • Ask yourself this question? what prospects does this guy have to offer you? except the words I love you over the phone, and that's not going to be very often.

      You have think of your future? and the future you have with that person? Be honest and realistic with yourself, that's the important thing. Have you really thought this all through? were do you see yourself with him in 20years time? what happens if he is still inside? or commits another crime and returns. Is that life you want with him.

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    • If he actually makes an effort, and proving his innocents, that he is not the father, and he doesn't want nothing to do with the child, and his not allowed to see the child, then he has a case. He can get his conviction overturned. He really needs to look into it.

    • The state he's in can obligate him to the kids until age 25. They also have this thing called a paternity affidavit. If you sign that, you're waiving any rights to make claims against having to pay later on grounds of not being the biological father. He thought he was the father.

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