Lost my best friend to my boyfriend? What to do?

So I've been friends with this guy for years,(lets call him Tom), we do have a little history but that's in the past. We are just good friends. Since I've been with my new man, I never get to see Tom because he's always out when my boyfriend is, as they are in the same group of friends. Should be great that they get on, right? But it means whenever my boyfriend is out for a night, Tom isn't free either. The only time I see Tom is with my boyfriend and his mates. We used to spend a lot of time together chatting and we never get to do that now. Tom won't see me on my own because he's scared what my boyfriend might think, even though my boyfriend has outright said he's totally fine with it and actually wants tom to see me because he knows how much I valued our friendship.

I feel like this should be a great situation, my best friend getting on with my boyfriend. But its actually ended up me losing my best friend of years and I don't really know what to do about it :( there's nothing funny going on either, he's like the male equivalent of a best gal pal lol without being feminine or gay, I'm just trying to say our friendship was great and we would always spend time together socially. I've tried to just let it go but I can't that easily, I feel gutted.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • The issue is the "what if" scenario. He might be like a brother to you, best "gal pal" or something but you can never know if he truly developped an attachement or that the boyfriend is 100% comfortable.

    Emotions can develop very easily and maybe Tom is trying to avoid that by keeping you happy with your boyfriend. Clearly it isn't working and your happiness is having both, the good boyfriend and friends and spending quality time with Tom doing the things you do.

    I recommend to simply either 1) move on understanding that your life has changed with your new people in your life (bf/friends) or 2) try and encourage close activites you guys used to do together: movies, dinner, road trips or w/e

    If neither work maybe try and talk to him more over fb, phone, texting just to keep your conversations going and not losing the friendship incase you want to go back to him if the boyfriend relationship doesn't work out

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    • What an amazing answer, thank you.

    • Glad I could help some how :p I just hope the girl I'm dating turns out positive, next date planning is a little iffy and no response from her side is not sending me any positive vibes, even though every previous date was creatively amazing. Lets see how it turns out

    • All the best! Creative dates are wonderful :-)

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What Guys Said 1

  • Tom is respecting the bro code. Aside from dumping the boyfriend or going on group dates, I don't know an easy way to fix that situation.

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    • But why doesn't he respect out friendship? I've known him 8 years, he hasn't even known my boyfriend that long so where's the loyalty?

    • He probably thinks he is. In all fairness, he's in a tough situation. He's your friend, but he doesn't want to monopolize time you could otherwise spend with your boyfriend.

    • But its time that I'm not with my boyfriend. When my boyfriend is out socialising with friends tom could easily spend time with me. Maybe we just are not that great friends after all, or he thinks he's doing the right thing. I don't know, he acts one way and says another all the time. Thankyou for your advice.

What Girls Said 1

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