Girlfriend wants a "break" where we're not in an exclusive relationship but also wants to work on ourselves. Don't know what to do or how to feel?

Been together three years, living together two of those. Last month, after coming back from a vacation in SF she went on with two girlfriends, she told me she wants to move out at end of June and work on ourselves and to not be in a committed relationship.

She says we've both been unhappy, that she's not sure if she still wants kids and marriage (she's 29 and I'm 31 and she's said how she wants a baby before 30). We've had our share of arguments/fights and always worked through them. We're both stubborn and can get attitudes and it leads to screaming matches.

Anytime I try to talk about the relationship, she shuts down. She gets angry, upset, etc and just won't have any of it. I tell her I'm trying to diagnose our problems and try to work through them. She just says she doesn't want to be dragged in an emotional circle.

Not long after telling me she wants a break, i saw her on okcupid. She closed it quickly when she saw thqt i could see it. I asked her, and she said her old roommate uses her account to talk to guys so she has to make sure she's not doing something stupid. Sureeeee.

I had updated my profile on there after this (and after her reiterating that we're not in a committed relationship) and she came across it one night. She messages me on there, from the living room while i'm in the bedroom, saying "go on any awesome dates?"

I don't realize this at the time, but she unfriended me on fb after this also. Plus she changed her relationship status to single on fb BEFORE she told me she wanted a break. She said it was bc she was angry at me for being on okcupid. I point out the double standard. She also wanted me to stay at my mom's that night bc she needed to sort through her feelings. I told her no, WE can talk about it.

She said she didn't expect me to be on there when she thinks i should be working on myself and not dating. But she should be doing thw same thing and she's admitted she's talked to guys on there.

Updates:
I've always trusted her and never questioned her. But she has accused me of cheating. Never outright, but asking "where were you" or imagining that I was seeing someone behind her back.

Now with the whole okcupid thing, her always going out, her being super protective of her phone, her changing her email password not long after telling me she wants a break (i used to know her password bc had to help her print things in the past), etc makes me question her motives.
She has said how we both have major problems that we need to work on separately. I agree, but the indignanty of her to get so mad at me for being on okcupid AFTER I saw her on there and her telling me several times that we're no longer exclusive is what gets me.

She shouldn't be on there if she truly feels we need to work on ourselves. How is she going to work on her deeper issues if she's trying to date other guys before we've even moved out.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You should give her an ultimatum; she either sits down to talk out the deeper lying issues between you two, or you're walking away.

    Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. She sounds quite manipulative; she's got you wrapped around her finger, maybe because things were good in the past plus it's extremely difficult of let go of 3 years with someone.

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    • So she's keeping me on the back burner while searching for other options? Because she feels I'll wait for her? She keeps saying how rehashing the past three years won't solve anything and gets so visibly upset when I try to talk about our relationship.

      I've told her, just be honest with me. Tell me you want to break up. She just says we need to work on things separately and that she's willing to see if things can work down the line.

      Just sucks because she was my best friend and she has completely changed.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • its not a break. she's breaking up.

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What Guys Said 1

  • She's got a behavioral disorder... Google it.

    She's jerking you around. Tell her to take her 29 yo biological clock and shove it up her ass.

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