We inadvertantly met online. Knew each other for a month. Fell pretty hard for each other in that time. Even though I'm almost 23, he was the first guy that I've been attracted to mentally, physically, and emotionally, and who felt the same about me. I've never experienced that mutual attraction with anyone.
Everything was great, we'd already gotten into the making-out stage of things. He said he adored me, and was head-over-heels for me, and said that my heart was safe in his hands.
And then yesterday I didn't hear from him much, and in the evening when I texted him asking if he wanted to do something with me later in the week, he told me he couldn't because he was going to have a baby next month and he was trying to make it work with her for the kid. Said he was really sorry, but he needed to pull out before it got too serious. I guess he had only just found out.
I was (and still am) completely crushed. I feel depressed and hopeless, like I don't know how I'm going to find someone else that I'm this compatable with. I know that sounds stupid, but I've been wanting this for a long time, and it's been so hard waiting. I thought I'd found it - in fact, I had it! And then it was ripped away from me. I've never gotten attention in person, never been asked out or approached. I've tried with guys, but I guess I say the wrong thing, or make a dumb joke, and they just kind of gloss over me. I haven't been able to eat since he told me, and I'm crying all the time. The sadness comes in sudden waves from the pit of my stomach.. I want to find this with someone else so badly, and I want my heart to stop hurting, but I don't know how to accomplish these things. This is a new feeling for me.
Can anyone offer some suggestions or advice?
Most Helpful Guy
I disagree with the advice given here. The pivotal issue is whether you believe his explanation for leaving the relationship. If he has really just discovered a woman is pregnant with his child, this is no small matter. He is a man of integrity who is acting on his conscience and he is worthy of your respect.
Extend him sincere friendship and support, as painful as that may be. Make it clear that you want a platonic relationship that does not threaten his bond with the mother of his child. If he rejects your offer, move on. If he accepts it, set up ground rules from the start and stick to them. Keep your distance at first, having only occasional phone and internet conversation. After you are more comfortable you can meet publically but do not be alone with him. Be careful discussing his relationship with this woman. It is best to avoid the topic altogether but if he brings it up, listen objectively and try to look from HER point of view if you can see it. Support her as you would want to be if you were in her place. Above all, DO NOT let your relationship stray into romance by flirting or revisiting the past. Be present and work on the friendship.
Here is my reasoning for recommending this course of action. First, I would not make this suggestion if I did not sense that you are mature enough to handle it. Second, think about the course of events. He met you, fell in love and was quite fulfilled. Then he discovered this child and made the decision to forego his own happiness to take responsibility. What does this say about him? Isn’t this the sort of person you want as a friend?
Fast forwarding, one of two likely outcomes will emerge. He will gradually learn to appreciate this woman and enjoy his role as a father. You will go on to find someone who loves you and has no conflicting obligations. On the other hand, he could discover he is very unhappy and realize it was a mistake to force a relationship that was not there. At that point, he may decide to pursue a life with you. As long as everyone is honest and above board, there is no shame. You will all grow enormously from the experience and the child will still thrive.
There is a third possible outcome that I hesitate to mention because it is crushing. You may discover he lied to be rid of you. In that case, have nothing more to do with him---ever.
Let me know how it works out.
Most Helpful Girl
Think about it this way, he's having a baby and was dishonest with you about that. I'm pretty surehe knew about it all aalong. A girl isn't going to wait until she is 8 months pregnant to tell the guy. His response leads me to believe that he knew about the baby and they were maybe having some issues, so he looked elsewhere. You deserve way better than that from a guy. I know how much it hurts to have your heart broken. It sucks real bad. Just know that he wasn't the one for you and he isn't the last guy you will be with. It may seem like he's the only one you will be with, but it's not true. You are a beautiful person who has an entire life ahead of you to find yourself and your other half. Never settle for less than you deserve because you think you have no other options available. Have faith and be patient. It will be okay. Think positive thoughts and think about what you have to offer. Don't think about what you think guys want, don't want, like or don't like where you are concerned. Your thoughts will not always be correct. We don't see ourselves the way others do and women are always more hard on themselves than a man would ever be towards them. I'm available as a sympathetic ear and a fellow (past) heartbroken woman if you want to talk further. It took me a while to get to where I am today, but I appreciate myself and my self-worth much more.2