How can I let her realise that I can't leave in fear with her even she drink one bottle or one glass. Can I have hope anymore?

Due to the past, I told her to do not drink anymore or I would break up with her. But she thinks that I prison her, I live in the past, I dont trust her. And being drunk is nothing serious. So I would like you give her some suggestions to make her realize my fear and my love. We are at the stage of enganement, and I came out to my mom ( my country is very conserative ) , and I met her family and they all know that we are getting married soon. I am 31, she is 27, we are both girlish girl, Dating for 2 years. Living together for 1 year.

Word From her.
"The fact is you forbid me to be social, if I can not go to bar with my friends then I can not do anything, I do not mind to not drink and you know that, the point is I refuse all the party things because of you, and if I do so you will get jealous or ask to come with you.
Of course is not normal from you to go to bar when you ask me to even do not drink one glass.
I do not want get drunk or go to club. I want have a normal social life: Drink a glass of wine, even at home, or during a diner. Be able to have an afterwork beer with my coworker."
< I haven't go to bar for a year for us, but she did sometimes. And I seldom drink for her as well to show her that a normal life can be happy with alcohol. And I planed to go to a dine maybe a bar called " bar A sth", which is chosen by my friend, at 6:30 with a friend she knows and free to join>

It's due to the past and will effect the future. So why I forbidden her even for one glass now.

Long story. Be patient.

  • Break up with her
    Vote A
  • Give her last chance but be sure to break up if she drinks again
    Vote B
  • Stay with her now. The past is past, drinking is under her control
    Vote C
  • She should see a Dr both for her psychical and physical condition
    Vote D
  • Ask her to show you some real action and decide to be with her or not
    Vote E
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Updates:
1. Betrayal

The deepest fear and hurt still inside of me is her betrayal. She kissed 2 girls in front of my friends and me in the party. She had one night stand with a stranger for once when she is drunk. She cheated on me for like a week and told me she is too drunk and the girl keep flirting her. I broke up and came back to her several times later coz she promised that she is too drunk and being stupid but it will never happen again. It never happens again for more than one year
2. Blackout

When she is drunk, she can’t remember anything the second day. Her last time admitted blackout is two month before and lost her phone and bag when I was in another city for the first night. But she told me nothing happened when she came back in the morning. The only thing I can do it to trust her story. But she doesn’t think it’s a problem even for losing memory.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • And I called her sometime when I think it’s the time for her party or dinner or coffee to is finished as she told me, but she was already drinking or even went to a bar without telling me. I am fine with that girlfriend go out with friend and get an extra plan later. But I am not fine that she even doesn't care about telling me in advance when I am waiting for dinner or movie with her. Move over, when I started to call, she will not answer or tell me she doesn't know when she will be back. (usually very late or in the morning) And she can me control freak coz I keep calling.—but I am so panic for her going home and being drunk and started to curse me.

    6. Party animal coworker
    There are two guys at her work so wasted and stupid. They went out all the time for party and even smoke weeds and drink liquor at work. Can you imagine how shitty and crazy teenager they are. Once my girlfriend lied and slept at his place after a party, I told her to stay away from him. --The guy likes her but my girlfriend doesn't at least for sure when she is sober. And one month after sleeping in his apt, my girlfriend wants a HIV test--But later she still talked to him for funny things, set up party with him. But she always told me that it’s a normal coworker relationship. I m not jealous about him, but I am worry about this kind of shit person will
    For more than one year and half since she worked in this company, I never have any party with her coworker (not invited to). And I met this guy for 3 times near her office, but he never even say hi to me. And she doesn't want to tell me which bar she is in coz I am going to blow off her party and embarrass her. (I am really not that kind of crazy bitch). It’s strange anyway, but I still prefer to trust her.
    7 No time control and freedom.

    For the past 2 month, she drank 3 times. 1st time, blackout and lost stuff and I lost contact with her for 14 hr. 2nd time, drank at friend apt, came back home at 3am during working day. 3rd time, went to a bar, told me finish at 8 PM ( A beer and relax with coworkers story she away think she can do including the party guy), but came back home 5 or 6 am the second morning.
    That night was little special coz at 8pm I told her our cat is dying and I am in the hospital. (She is not a animal person. She doesn't like my cat that much, but we have the cat for more the one year.) My cat has been sick for one month, and she is very impatient with it.

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    • But I told her to come when she is in a bar because I need her shoulder to cried and support. She said I m coming in 10 mins, but 30 mins later. She asked me “ is he dead”, and I just realize that she is still in the bar. And I told her why are you still drinking and pretending you care about it. Then I broke up with her coz SHE IS NOT THERE WHEN I NEED HER only coz she is drinking and having fun. And later she blamed me as a manipulative girl for using a cat to drag her out of party. Anyway, I will all the night holding my cat’s hand, and she arrived in the morning. But say nothing and I went to the hospital again without her ( My cat died that day). Even now, she thinks that I broke up with her for a cat and I will regret it.

      Why did't I break up with her? Maybe you think she is a shitty person, but it's not. When she doesn't need to plan sth to drink, or coz I love her, and she is great when she's away from alcohol. Or maybe I am blind in love.

    • She told me again today that she couldn’t afford to lose me so she will not drink anymore. Honestly, I don't know how long it will last again. Our relationship is very unhealthy; no trust, too much past pain.
      But I totally have no faith for a war with drunk her anymore. What do you think I should do?

      Do you think some people are not alcoholic but they really need to drink? And they are not addictive but they can’t control the limit of getting drunk? How does their girlfriend or boyfriend deal with it?

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What Girls Said 3

  • It sounds like she blames alcohal for her infidelities. I am engaged, and I have been to a couple of parties where my significant other could not make it. Yes, there we're attractive people there.. Yes, I was pretty damn drunk. A cute guy grabbed me and kissed me and I pushed away and said I have a boyfriend. Even in my drunken state, I still stayed faithfull. Being drunk is NOT an excuse. If it is to the point where people are telling you "there is a problem" then there is a problem. You do realize that yes, break ups hurt soooo much, BUT say if you find someone who is better, whom you are so happy that you ended your last relationship, it is going to be worth the grievance of a breakup.

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    • Thank you very much. The way she deals my attractiveness is call my "slut" "bitch" "fuck someone". And I haven't been to a bar for a year, so she keeps going there. And I recalled myself when I was pretty drunk, I am super alert with strangers or even male friends.
      She used to have a threesome with 2 male classmates, (not boyfriends) when she is sober and just wanna try at age of 18. And I am very not comfortable with that, classmate, lesbian but 2 man, sober threesome past. But she didn't regret it or think this threesome is so weird even now. She called it life-experience and young hood curiosity, but she won't do it again.
      But for me, it's like she still doesn't have morality standard.
      Do you think so? And when she is drunk, she has no shame for herself, but it's the way she is.

    • for the past one year, every time she told me she had a party, I am not invited. She I asked if i can come, she will refuse. If I asked can I go to a bar or club as well with my friend. She will say " you wanna fuck someone". My of my friends and ex think that i am a very faithful person.

    • Yes, I do think that she has morality issues. People who are moral don't just throw morality out when they are drunk. Some child molesters will use the excuse that the only reason they molested a kid is because they were drunk at the time. Do you believe that? Of course not. Plenty of men get drunk, and if child molestation disgusts them when they are sober, it disgusts them when they are shit hammered drunk. Couples attend parties together, as a couple. The fact she doesn't want you there when she has a history of being unfaithful means that she will have the freedom to do whatever freely without you knowing. Its premeditated even before she starts drinking. That's why the first thing that comes to her mind when YOU want to go to a party is "why? You want to fuck someone there?" It is so ingrained into who she is , that she believes you are going for the same reasons as her. To be promiscuous.

  • If you won't ever trust her to do what she feels is a nice relaxing thing for her, why stay with her? Trust is pretty huge, and if you can't do it, then you should't continue.

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    • They thing is we love each other so much, but i lost all my trust with her. I rebuilt it, she destroyed it soon. We came back with a condition. She broke the condition and made a promise again. Back and forth. I am hopeless, but I am still lightening myself when she told me she loved me. I guess I am the one who never have courage to break up. And she is the one who will never take promise seriously.

    • Show All
    • That's up to you. But based on her previous history of promising things it's understandable that you wouldn't trust her, and she would very well know that too, whether or not she wants to admit it. But it's up to you whether to keep giving chances, one more chance, or just breaking it off.

    • One funny thing, ONE HOUR after she asked me for the last chance to come back to her this time, which I agreed to try, he told her friend that we break up. And I asked her why, she said she's lost and she told her friend in person later on that "we are trying" So what's her logic? or She doesn't want to be disgraced?

      When are have argument or I realised that she lied or she broke the drinking promise, she always threatened me by saying move-out, buy a home ticket, block me, etc. And I am not a girl who broke up on the top of anger, so I used to do everything to stop his breaking-up behaviour. But this time, I cried a sleepless night, and eventually accepted her break-up. I unfriend all of her family and cancel our relation in Fb, I am so sad without even point out her lie or being drunk. And I did nothing when she was going to buy a ticket and packed up. So finally, she said she will quit drinking

  • She loses balance and faint sometimes since 2 year before. I guess she has a brain problem coz too much blackout damage. (Google a lot for her) She did several exams for her healthy problem but she is fine, (no CT) so I think it’s better to stop getting drunk.

    3. Can't control herself from being drunk
    Blackout + betrayal makes me so afraid of she gets drunk. But even 6 month ago, I am still fine that she drinks. We tried so many rules, like 2 bottle of whiskey, or one hour per bottle, or stop drinking upon my request. Neither of them works since 1 year and a half. And sometimes, she planned to drink one beer in a park, diner, bar, friend’s place, or café, but will finish in several bars, friend apt, or on the street. She goes out for a coffee at two, may come back at ten only upon my request. She goes out to a park after work for a while (told me one around hour), may come back the 5am in the morning.

    4. Verbal violence
    As I believe that she didn't cheat on me, so I tried to be relaxed and let her drink freely. But her new pattern appeared: when she’s drunk, she call me bitch, slutty, liar, fuck someone, manipulative, has an affair with my ex, or I will go and fuck someone tonight etc. But stabbed into my heart coz they are exactly the things she did for me. Or if I don't follow her will, she will be angry with me for no reason. Sometimes, I dragged her home and let her sleep but cried all the night after. Or sometimes, she left after cursing me, I went home alone crying without knowing what she is doing when she’s drunk.
    But most important thing is she can’t remember what she said or did to me. And even she remembered, her misbehavior is only due to I said something bad to provoke her. (But I didn’t but she thinks so)

    5. Freedom, lie and promise
    So after all the things happened, we reach a deal that “she drinks, I break up”. But she keeps drinking and tells me later on that it’s coz she wanted to break up, or she is angry but no more next time, or even lied about it. I’m so soft and in love. So I came back to her every time, and she stopped drinking for one month or two.

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