I'm devastated, confused, and don't know what to do because I'm the 'second' option?

I've been friends with someone for a while now and we started dating recently. I was hesitant at first and asked him if he would try to make it last. He said he would do everything in his power to do so.

I talked to him today and he seemed a bit off. Eventually I convinced him to tell me what was on his mind and he told me he was also interested in another girl as well as me. I told him I wanted the best for him, even if it wasn't the best for me, and if he thinks he'll be happier with that girl, then go for it because nothing will happen between them if he doesn't make a move. So he said he will. And now I have regret; I wasn't thinking about myself at all. He said this isn't over yet, but he'll break up with me if the girl reciprocates. I'm the back-up plan, that really hurts. That hurts more than knowing he's going to break up with me. We haven't spoke since.

I feel I'm not good enough if he thinks he'll be happier with someone else. He asked if he wasn't happy with this choice if he could come back, and I said yes- but now I'll be left knowing I don't satisfy him and if he does come back, I'm the second option.

I feel lied to that he would make a promise and break it so early. For a while I'll have trouble trusting him again and believing what he says.

If he gets rejected or regrets his decision and comes back, I don't know what to do. How much should I tell him about how I feel and how would we go about our relationship from then on? I need to clear my head. This is a big blow to my self esteem, I don't know if I should believe him about anything and I'm not sure I can trust him for a while. How I feel romantically, I don't know, my thoughts are everywhere and I don't know what I want anymore.

Should I be looking through his eyes? His side? I'm confused. I need some pointers, advice, and someone to offer their input.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Fuck him, I literally can not believe he told you that. I would never let a girl know she is the backup plan, I would tell her I have stronger feelings for someone else and end it there.

    It's not fair to you AT ALL, "Yeah so if it doesn't work out I guess I can come back to you." - Basically what he told you

    You shouldn't have to put up with this, you deserve better and should find someone who makes you their #1 choice.

    • He didn't tell me that actually, but yeah he technically told me I was a back-up plan, or like you said "If it doesn't work out I guess I can come back to you."

      I didn't realize at the time that was what he said, but afterward when I collected myself it hit me hard. I wish he had said what you would've. I doubt he realized how hurtful it was or what he even said, he is not a mean or inconsiderate person. But I will definitely find someone who doesn't see me as an alternative.

    • That's good, you should be with someone who fully respects you. It's sort of similar when a girl says "You're a really good guy and any girl would be lucky to have you, I just don't have those feelings for you."

      Which for most guys translates to "Yeah so you're a good guy but obviously not good enough for me."

      Despite the intention of the person being good, they actually do more damage by saying this instead of just being brutally honest.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Drop the whole entire thing. Tbh I didn't read your summary/question thing. Anyways, YOU along with everyone should NEVER be a 2nd option. You weren't special enough bc if you were you would be the one and only option

    • My mind is still all over, but I probably will call it off even though I don't want to. We both promised we'd still be friends even under tough circumstances, and he's really my only friend, so I will not cut ties.

    • He ain't a good friend though. Make new friends

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What Guys Said 2

  • 1. He may chase after this other girl and realize that all that glitters isn't gold.

    2. The fact that he prefers to chase after her doesn't mean you're not good enough. He may be interested in her because she is a blonde, because she has a tiny butt, or any number of things. Girls are different in many ways and there is no scale where you each get a number between 1 and 100 and that's your score. Somebody who's perfect for me may be awful for my friend.

    3. Your friend may not be old enough to really know what he wants. That is a part of what you discover when you are dating at our age.

    4. He may not have lied to you when he made the statement but he certainly didn't keep his promise. If he comes back to you, it is your chance to show him that a relationship with you is different. Make it different by talking about these problems openly and honestly.

    Set yourself apart from the crowd and the right people will notice you.

  • find someone else

    • Probably. Thank you for your opinion.

What Girls Said 0

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