Is it worth trying with a cheater?

My boyfriend and i have been together for several years. We were in college when we started dating and everything was great for so many years. Last year we went on a break and he was sexting another girl. He was talking to girls before we broke up and i think thats why he wanted to break up because he didn't want to hurt me (we were fighting a lot more). He always said he wasn't seeing anyone while we broke up and i kept saying i wanted to date or was going to date out of anger but i never did. I was really upset when we got back together and we were still on off and in between i found out he was still talking to her, probably one of the times we were fighting and breaking up. We decided at the beginning of this year to make it work, he said he would change.

We were doing much better, less fights but i was still upset and started saying i was going to move away for a job. I kept indicating that it wouldn't work, which was extemely dumb i know but he was being a lot more attentive and we were doing things and getting along. I decided once i knew my job was here, i would tell him right away.

I just found out he went to go meet that girl and cheated on me. He was heartbroken when i found out and keeps saying he made the biggest mistake of his life. he said he really thought our relationship would be over once i was gone and that i felt stuck with him and wanted out. He said he hated the fights about the past and thought i wanted it to end. I had told him right before he left to see her (he lied to me that he was going on a work trip) that my job was here but im not sure if i pushed him too much by that time. He wanted us to move in and start a life together but i kept up the whole i want to move for 3 months. He said he started talking to the other girl once we were in a big fight and i said i was going to move. He says he was vulnerable and felt i didn't want him. Is it worth giving it another chance if i truly feel he is the love of my life? Am I also at fault?

Updates:
another issue is that i did constantly say to him for 3 months or more that i was moving away and it would be over. i told him several times that i wanted to get away and did make it seem like i didn't want to be with him and didn't realize it. He says he felt like i didn't want to be with him and i was dying to get away. He said he felt like i wanted to end it so bad but felt stuck. My friend thinks i really hurt him a lot. he's never cheated before even we weren't together in fear of losing me

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Most Helpful Girl

  • No. Vulnerably exposing your heart to someone who has already emotionally, mentally, and spiritually put you in harm's way by cheating on you is unwise and a major smack in the face to your potential self. Either option is going to sting for a while, but at least cutting him out of your life is something you know for sure that the future you will thank you for. Sometimes, you have to have a conversation with the future version of yourself. Envision the woman you want to be, what her life looks like, what her heart looks like, what the corridors and pathways of her mind and spirit look like... then you have to simply swiftly eliminate any person, thing, or experience that keeps you away from that future you. This would be one of those times, girly :/ Not only that, but you are always going to wonder if he is respecting and honoring you behind your back which is going to cause stress and anxiety which is not only fair but can effect your levels of cortisone and effect your cardiovascular system.

    The more real version: Your dumb ass, insensitive fool of a boyfriend has put himself in a position where he can be outshined. By cheating on you, shitting all over your feelings and the bond you two built, and essentially screwing you over, he has planted the seed that there is a man out there who is better than him and MORE EQUIPPED to make you happy. Clearly, he does not know how to take care of your heart and he is better at being an egotistical whore than being a highly valuable significant other. If you'd really like to stick up for yourself, you can say that to his face with a smile right before you walk away from him forever.
    No, you are not at fault: he is for being a piss poor boyfriend who lacks integrity and shows no loyalty. Leave him. You deserve better. In fact, save his name in your phone to 'You Deserve Better'.

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    • I agree but i can't stop thinking if i didn't keep saying i was going to move and we wouldn't be together that if he would have done that. he's always been the best guy and a great boyfriends, i always felt i was so lucky. but at the same time no matter what i do feel he should have chose to break up with me and tell me the truth than cheat. he keeps saying he didn't sleep with her but i dont believe it. I have never ever wanted to be with anyone else, never been a question in my mind so i think that why i feel so absolutely miserable. He never physically cheated in the last 6 and half years so i dont understand why he would suddenly now. Our sex life was great. He says he feels like he lost himself and will fix himself and hopefully show me in the future that he's worth me. he's not asking me to sit around and wait for him but he said he's hoping that in a year i will see the change and maybe he can win me back. he's going to therapy with me just to see what went so wrong, is that a dumb idea

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    • she also told them they had sex after a heated convo. wouldn't you start with that if that was true and not everything else. A part of me doesn't know if he just went there and left and that make her jealous so she decided to say stuff to me to ruin it. Last time he even talked to her she contacted him brother and went off about my boyfriend and she doesn't even know him or had ever even met my boyfriend. Her story kept changing so I really can't tell if she's would try to get in between us or not just because she felt rejected he didn't want to spend more time with her. its really hard to tell which one is telling the truth and if he slept with her or not and i dont want to reach out to her at all.

    • The whole thing is one shady mess where you keep getting embarrassed and shitted all over. Leave him.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 6

  • Has he truly realized his mistake? do you believe he won't repeat the same thing again? I know your trust is broken and once trust is broken it will never be 100% again, it will always be less than that. Hence do you think you can trust him like before?

    You can give him a chance but think about this a 100 times, and only if you are 100% sure that he has realized his mistake otherwise it's not worth it.

    Remember " Cheating is a choice and not a mistake". He chose to cheat on you, for whatever reasons but its not a mistake, its a choice. Hence remember this and take a decision after careful consideration.

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  • He cheated on you. In my mind, that's end of story. Personally, I never understood it. I don't think I ever will. No, you're not at fault. He was the one who cheated, not you. I'm sorry, but I have absolutely zero respect for that.

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  • If he's the love of your life and he loves you back too or at least, cares for your feelings then accept him back. In a relationship, there are no faults. And I strongly believe he wants you, even though perhaps he is attracted to this other girl which does happen with us guys.
    A very honest answer,
    best of luck!

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  • Yes, it is worth trying but get counseling or history will repeat itself.

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  • He cheated on you and apparently thinks nothing of the fact that your relationship should be centered upon trust and personal integrity. To me, That would be a deal breaker. End of story.

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  • I would give him another chance if he is showing true remorse.

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    • But first she should make him work for it...

    • yea but i doubt he would forgive me if i did the same. i guess separating and dating people will give me more clarity for what i want. if he finds someone in the mean time i need to stop being worried about that possibility.

What Girls Said 6

  • It appears here, dear, that you and 'The love of my life' have been with one another for a very long time where you both never have really gotten the chance for romance with Others.
    He had found someone else who he seemed and seems even now to share some chemistry with and from where I am sitting, it doesn't have to be etched in stone that he has something Ongoing with her and he cannot be trusted any longer.
    He is making all these lame duck excuses of flying free and causing this relationship to go south, and with her in the picture, you never know now if he will play you both, going from one to the other.
    It's now a Triangle Threesome where you are at the top, looking down, from side to side, at the both of them. I don't feel he will drop her, will continue to be a cheat sheet and will always be begging because he will be Saying... He made the biggest mistake of his life.
    You have found out he 'Went to that girl and cheated on me.' As far as I am concerned, he 'Cheated' when he was 'Sexting' this chick and he could not be trusted then, cannot be trusted now and No way in the Future... I am not seeing you as two birds of a feather.
    True love or not, This is a guy who really isn't raring nor ready to be in a Real Relationship anymore and will always be breaking your heart.
    How many chances can one guy get in one lifetime? He is already on his last strike.
    Good luck. xx

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  • If you do decide to be together it might be best to just be honest with each other. It doesn't sound like the lies have helped either of you. I guess he was technically cheating but if he didn't do it when you guys were good then it is up to you to decide whether you can trust him again. Once the trust is broken it is always difficult to repair. There is no point in getting back together if you can't trust each other.

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  • Kick him out of your life. I was in the same relationship before. We take a break as he requested (he was talking to girls already), so I gave him sometime, but then he cheated on me. After I found out everything, he confessed, cried, apologised and we came back finally.
    Same drama, right?
    But we have been together for 1year and half after that, at the very beginning, it was sweet and intense after a "broken heart" from him. But then, things started to getting worse. I can't be sure he cheated on me again or not, but he would find a little unreasonable thing to argue and went out for a whole night without coming back ( we are living together) And once he even wanted to do a HIV test one month after he slept in his coworkers' apt.
    What can I say? How can I be happy and trusty?
    So even after half an year engagement and family announcement of the wedding date, We finally broke up for endless "question mark" and "disrespect"

    When a heart is broken, leave it with who broke it.

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  • nope! he cheated... end of story

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  • Your not at fault he's a cheat get rid

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  • I personally can't give a cheater another chance. He broke my trust and my heart. I might forgive them, and we could be friends I guess, but I could never enter a romantic relationship with him again. I give props to people who try, though. But I cannot.

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    • thats how i always felt honestly, i always said i would never take back a cheater no matter what. now im so madd at myself that i dont know what to do. i feel like my heart is breaking, i haven't been able to have a proper meal in days and i can't stop crying. but the love i have for him just won't go away and im so sad that the future i saw with us won't be there. Its just killing me. and im so mad that i feel so weak

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    • Yeah something sounds really off about that, to be honest. You could be right in that she wants you to break up with him, so she could potentially have her chance with him. Some people (both men and women) build things up in their heads, even if they are false and hope for them to be true... like they can become obsessive. It vaguely, but not exactly reminds me of Fatal Attraction. Totally not saying this is the same situation, but the ideas and manipulation that it sounds like she is doing sounds a tiny bit similar. The situation sounds fishy to me.

      My situation he was sending money to other women and taking them out, and wrote letter to some friends saying how good the sex was. That's why I broke up with him, because of the bank receipts taking thousands of dollars out of our joint account to send to others, plus the cheating. Your situation sounds different than mine, and if your boyfriend insists he didn't sleep with her, and she is acting so odd... I guess I would believe your guy.

    • he admits to messing around with her but not sex and he say it was the biggest mistake he made. he says he absolutely hates her for how she tried to hurt me. My friends think that regardless I am also at fault for telling him I will move and then we won't be able to make it work. They think I didn't include him in a big decision that would affect us both and made him feel like he didn't matter. he's apologized and said we both need to be friends first and rebuild and this is not the guy he is. He swears he thought i was going to leave him and the relationship was ending. He reminded me how I told him after a fight that we should be cordial and have fun till I leave so in his mind it was over. He says he was hurt and made really bad choice after i said i was moving & he wishes he could take them back. He is willing to go to therapy with me and then give us space to realize what we want. He doesn't want to make the same mistake if we ever are together and find out what went wrong between us.

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