I am probably not sensitive/understanding enough. But what would a good man do?

Years ago I developed feelings for a girl while she was still in a relationship. I don't know why she developed some feelings for me too.

More recently, a common friend told me that since she broke up with her boyfriend, I could ask her - this was her speaking of ccourse. I do have feelings for her but I didn't admit it, I said I merely care for her and hope she's doing well, and that she should ideally be with her boyfriend (she's known him for 3 years before meeting me). I lied because I don't know if it is morally right.

I think she was given that message and she got mad at me and didn't want to be in touch as friends or anything.

What would a good man do in this situation if she contacts me again? Marcus Aurelius said that if we are to choose between what makes us happy and what is morally correct, we should choose the latter.

But I also think while we can choose that, it is wrong to make others unhappy through our decisions on morality - especially a girl you care for. So should I reciprocate her feelings despite it having started as an affair? I swear I will never hurt anyone again.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Firstly well of course she is mad. She is probably hurt.
    Seondly I don't really understand why it's morally incorrect. She is not in a relationship anymore. What's the problem? She likes you, You like her. She is not just going to go back with her ex-boyfriend because you said no.
    Lastly get over it. You can't make everyone happy.

    And now call her and tell her you like her and that you lied because you wanted to do something "morally correct".

    Good luck, idiot :-)

    • What keeps me from contacting her is that I never heard from her directly. She spoke to me through a common friend, said she didn't want to be in touch ever again.

      I asked him why she was telling me this via him, and he said she doesn't want to confront me. I asked him does she have feelings for me, he said she doesn't. So I let it go. What I am not sure of is whether she let me go because of what I told this common friend he told me to ask her (which is that she has known her boyfriend for a long time, and it's wrong for me have a relationship with her).

      I wish I could have directly spoke to her on all this, but she wouldn't. Thank you for your help.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Another Marcus Aurelius fan - bravo, sir! You're uncommon among the young.

    But back to business. You need to consider her, too. She's her own person, too, capable of making choices. If she's single and interested in you, and you like her, why not try it out? We can't control how things start - only how things end.

    • Thanks. I am still deciding whether to contact her or not.

      The issue became complicated to me because she spoke through a common friend, and I am not very intuitive.

      I don't want to pop back into her life when she doesn't want me, and I don't know if she left in anger and isn't coming back because she feels I won't reciprocate her feelings.

    • My favorite saying is "If you do not enter the tiger's cave, you cannot hope to capture its cub", meaning that basically, you can't do anything without risking something. Walk the safe road and do nothing, you risk a chance at a great relationship. Talk to her and risk rejection. Either way you risk something. The only one who knows what she wants is her, and the only way to find out what she wants is to talk to her. There's no getting around that. Universe's rules, not mine. Have some confidence, though. I don't think she'll bite. Even if she does, lesson learned. I've been there many times. I've also had people say yes who I swore hated me.

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What Girls Said 1

  • Reach out and set both of your hearts free. If she contacts you again I can only suggest that you respond. Be true to you. Be true to her. And get to the bottom of this. If you do the latter it'll only eat you up inside forever. Tell her you love her, as this seems to be your biggest regret!!!


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