I don't love him how I used to... Is our marriage over?

I have been married for 4yrs, dated for 4.5 years.. Lived together for 7yrs. When we first met we were friends but I was going through a divorce with my husband at the time.. So I know I needed comfort, love, and attention... Which my current husband, friend at the time gave me.. We soon started dating and things were getting serious. Then I had to transfer to a diff state for work. And he proposed and followed me there; quit his job and everything... All my close friends say I will never find anyone sweeter than him... And yes, I agree.. Here's the BUT.. He is more like a girl than I am.. I feel like I am the guy in the relationship. I knew this from before getting married but it has actually gotten worse after we moved. He doesn't have any friends... I can't live without friends. One time he said as long as you're here with me I don't need friends.. He doesn't get mad when I come home late hanging out with friends but he sometimes ignores me... Or if I drank a lot w/ my friends on a Friday , on Saturday he makes me drink a lot w/ him at home. When I said I don't feel like drinking tonight then he says "you can drink w/ your friends but not w/ me?" Sex is also very bad... I was usually the initiator and I got tired of always being the one so I stopped then we can go for 3 to 4 months w/o sex.. We have no kids.. On top of this I decided to quit my job and move to another country. I asked if he wanted to come but he said he needed time to think about it. So now I'm here living at home w/ mom & sibling w/o my husband. I seriously don't think this is working but I think my husband thinks everything is ok. I know he might be the sweetest person and would never get mad but he never makes any decisions. While married we moved 4 times in the same city but all 4 times I was the one that made all the decisions... Is this over?
Additionally... The 8.5 years we've been together he's never planned a vacation for us. I was the one planning... About a year ago is when I started to feel very distant from him... We were like roommates than a married couple.., so I told him how I felt 6mos ago... I even told him about divorce.., he said he wanted to try.. To give him a chance.. so I did...
He planned the first vacation ever a month after that... We went to a pretty exotic island but of course no sex...
The problem is he doesn't communicate... He never tells me what he's feeling.. It's like he's walking on eggshells with me.. He doesn't want to get me upset.. Bc he doesn't want to argue/ fight.. I also think he doesn't want to get hurt so he avoids everything that would cause him to hurt... When we were dating we used to get into more fights than when we got married bc I used to tell him everything I felt.. When I told him what bothered me, he used to shut himself in the closet and cry...


Most Helpful Guy

  • Lol, sounds like you do not know the first thing about relationships.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I am seeing here, dear, a Full circle problem pattern that will only get worse, will never get better and just keep going down a badly beaten path of War of the Roses.
    He is this turn off to you, there is no chemistry, and now 'w/o my husband' who 'Said he needed time to think about it,' you Need to do some serious soul searching of just how long you can go through this regular redrick, sweetie.
    Tell hubby Nothing is 'Ok,' and you Seriously Believe... You have made some decisions.
    Good luck. xx


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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 2

  • Once the sex goes everything else does. Are these dry spells or has it always been non existent in the relationship? Dry spells can be normal. As for the lack of socialization that can be difficult. Have you ever tried becoming friends with other couples instead of just going out with your girlfriends? It forces him to be more social and he may find that he likes it. It also pushes you two to do things together this creating a better bond. This relationship sounds like you two are living separate lives in the same house. As for the move, he may need time to think because he's already dropped everything before to move away with you. Things could have been better in the relationship then and he may feel that this time moving could all be for nothing. It is a manly thing to iniate but some people just don't do it. He could have let you decide on all of the places because he wanted you to be happy and didn't want to pick the wrong one. Maybe try involving him more. Try to make it fun. Like you're embarking on an adventure rather than him just following you to a new place. But when it really comes down to it.. It all depends on how you feel. And it sounds like your heart isn't in it. If so than keeping him around may not be fair to him.

  • Oh my god! That sounds just like me!
    I'm in the same age range as you. How old is your husband?
    I just told him that I wanted out last week. I got the same reaction you got from yours.
    We are going to couples therapy now. But just like you said, I make all of the decisions.
    Aside from a teeny tiny little bit of jealousy over certain other guys, and also whenever I get a raise, both of which are pretty new recent developments on his his side, the girl/boy balance is also upset in our case.
    The sex, the crying, his not getting angry, friendlessness, not even planning a couples vacation, ...
    I'll post some updates if couples therapy helps us out. But I seriously feel we would be better off as friends or brother and sister.


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