Break up advise after 6 years together?

My ex and I ended our relationship about 3 weeks ago mutually. We both decided that we need time and space to work on ourselves. I had gained weight over the 6 1/2 years we were together and had not felt very great about myself. Which made it had to have a sex life. I got stuck in na rut career wise and just hadn't been motivated enough. He has his issues as well but altogether our relationship was great. I talked to him 2 weeks after we broke up and he stated that he was happy and less stressed that I wasn't there ( talk about a knife right through the cheat) I know he is hurting as well and I know he loves me. I found out when we broke up that he has been communicating with a girl and either is having sex with her or is trying to. I have asked him about this and he denies it but I have proof which I showed him. He says he loves me which is really hard for me to stomach because how can you love someone and sleep with another. I'm so confused and hurt that I don't know what to do. I slept with him recently and it was amazing but after he left my heart just was crushed all over again. My main goal is to be in a relationship again I have been working extremely hard on myself to prove that I will do anything to reconcile. I have decided not to sleep with him anymore and to have no contact with him for a couple months. I know that's for the best but I can't help but think.. If we do talk will he not love me anymore.. What if he falls for someone... What if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life.. etc. I do not loosely use the love word I love him plain and simple he is my family. How do you move on from that?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • What do you expect to accomplish with this new decision? If either of you wanted to be with each other you would fight for the relationship. You would go to individual and couples therapy. Gaining weight is an excuse. People gain weight all the time. If you love someone weight really doesn't matter unless your talking over the top 400lbs and up stuff. If so, you look into other alternatives. I fought as hard as I could for 3 years to keep my family together. But the most valuable lesson I learned was one persons love is not enough to keep a family together. either both of you want it or it doesn't work. It sucks. It took about a year after the divorce and a lot of therapy to get me to the point of 'radical acceptance" . it is done, there is nothing I can do about it, I will never understand why, so I either wallow around in self pity or man up and move forward with my life. so that is what I did. I found a woman that I fell in love with after many dates when I just wasn't ready.
    so you need to decide how to live your life. Will there be anything you regret later in life. I know that I did absolutely everything I could possibly do to keep us together. I have no regrets.
    if nothing else, look into retrouvaille. org
    they have funds for people who cannot afford it so you cannot use money as an excuse. if both of you are willing to try and save your marriage, that is the best place you can start.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Just because two people Breakup doesn't mean they can't and don't Makeup and that it is Good-bye forever, my love. And with an "EX" who still Marks an X in your own softie spot here, dear, there willl come a time, as you have saw for yourself, when many Times... I slept with him recently.
    You both did the Absolute Right thing and the 'Biggest mistake of my life' would have been if you both stayed in this unhealthy relationship with you him and you Feeling the way you do and it going down eventually a badly beaten path of what I refer to as "Full circle problem pattern" that would have just Continued.
    He has admitted, at least for now, for it hasn't been long enough for him see he is Missing the Kissing or won't Admit openly that he does, that he is 'Communicating with a girl' and it seems to me that he is Out there now, being split from you, he is doing his own thing, being a free bird and Not Into being birds of a feather.
    Many times when two people break it off, the guy wants his sweet cake and Eat it Two. This means he still wants you in his life without all the strife and finds more comfort in a Friends with benefits raw deal than with a Real deal of being hooked at the hip again.
    Don't give in again, keep him for now out of harm's way and don't wear your heart on your sleeve for him. Try and focus on you, lick your war wounds and don't sit by the cell phone waiting for something that may end up in what I also call a "Triangle threesome," where you are at the top, looking down, from side to side, at Him And... Whoever he is talking to at the moment.
    Don't get caught up in this. Stick to your guns, you have seen the smoke and it is stinging you but at the moment, it is also Ringing in your ears that you 'Have decided not to sleep with him anymore and have no contact for a couple of months.'
    He does still care, I will not find fault, but not enough to come back with his tail between his legs. And with your strong decision, if he does contact you, be on your guard because he may not want to be the Way we Were but instead sweet talk you again Into Friends with benefits and let's go slow for now.
    It's always a gamble when two people Breakup and yes, they could Fall 'For someone,' but it's Mother Nature and her magic of Chemistry between two people.
    You are a girl who has enough love to go around but he is at his point in his life where he is spreading his wings so don't get caught between a rock and a hard place.
    Good luck. xx

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • If you respond to this comment, I think I might have a good response

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What Girls Said 8

  • After a break up many men fuck the first thing that's available to them plain and simple. It's one of their ways of coping with the pain of losing you. So you're not the last person they had sex with. It sounds strange but it's fairly common. It won't mean anything if it happens so don't stress about that. We all have our "rebounds" and men tend to do it with sex while women do it with relationships. He does still love you. It's only been a few weeks, and for some people the first few weeks after a long relationship do feel great. We all deal with it differently. Just like we all cope with death differently. It could take awhile to hit him.

    Instead of focusing on getting the relationship back focus on getting YOU back. You're stuck with yourself forever, and you must come to terms with the fact that the relationship may never come back. But it sounds to me that it has a higher chance of working out the happier you are with yourself. And who knows, maybe with a little time and some self tlc you'll realize that he indeed wasn't the right guy for you. You'll still love him, and he can still be family to you, but there could be a better romantic match, new experience or horizon out there. I know it hurts. But it has to. If it didn't hurt it means it want once beautiful. Hang in there. And best of luck.

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  • Your post is a little confusing. You say the break up was mutual and you needed away from each other, but then you say you'll do anything to reconcile. I don't know all of the issues you had between you but obviously something wasn't working, even though you clearly love him. You need to clear your head right now. Stop sleeping with him and give him the space that you said you both needed. The other girl is likely a rebound situation. It's a coping mechanism many people use to ease the pain of a breakup. Stay away until you heal a little bit and can look at the situation more objectively. Give it a few weeks, and if you still feel the relationship is worth saving, then contact him and have an honest conversation about it. Yes, he may very well tell you he wants to move on, but that's a risk in any relationship. Life is a risk. Love is a risk. Whatever happens, you're going to be ok. Maybe you'll reconcile with him, or maybe this breakup will open the door for someone really special. Whatever happens is what was meant to happen. Focus on getting yourself together right now and allow yourself to heal, then reassess things. Please give us an update later. I don't know you but I'll be glad to give whatever advice I can.

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  • You have to first pick a path. Either you are moving on or you want to try and get back with him, but if he isn't interested then you may be wasting your time. I think its great that you focus on getting yourself back in shape and maybe looking for a new job. Keeping your mind busy will help keep your mind off the end of the relationship. Stay single for a while. If you get into a relationship with someone else right now, all you will do is compare them to your ex. Not fair to the new guy. You need to just focus on you and all the things that will make your life better and not think about how to win back the other guy. Showing him that you want a good life for yourself may do that without you even trying. Good luck :-)

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  • I am so sorry! I know you must feel awful right now.. The fact that you suspect him cheating is enough to walk away!! Let him figure things out.. He will see the grass is not greener but hopefully by then it will be too late. You will be long gone experiencing a joyous self fulfilled life without him! Then he will be the one lost confused and questioning your feelings, thoughts and every move! Let him go! I am experiencing a recent breakup as well.. We only lasted a year but felt like we were soul mates. Day by it is getting better. And it will for you too! Hang in there

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  • I think you need to go back to being the girl he fell in love with.

    Let this be a lesson to you though as 'contentment eating' is not something anyone should partake in as eventually a man will start looking elsewhere.

    Drop the weight, give yourself a make over and you may find you get a lot of interest from elsewhere too. If nothing else, it will make him worry that you look amazing and he has missed out...

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  • If you two are meant to be together, then you will be. Right now you need to distance yourself from him. If he does love you, he'll realize what he lost and will come back. If he doesn't, you weren't meant to be and you deserve better anyways. I'm sure it's extremely difficult. But just think, if people can break up after 20 years and move on to live happy lives, you can too.

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  • This is a mess. Idc if you two have been together for twenty years, once the relationship is over you have no right to his business. All rights and privileges to his business ends. This reminds me of people who stalk their exs and feel entitled to their business even tho they aren't together. Your ex has a right to privacy once the relationship has ended and if he is lying and is sleeping with her there is nothing wrong with that. He is single. Ending a relationship to work on yourself is kind of weird to me. What would have happened if you guys had gotten married three years ago? Would you have separated or divorced to work on yourselves? A relationship should be based on trust, love and support. If you two had broken up with no plans on getting back together then I can understand. But to breakup, work on yourselves so u can get back together is... I don't know. Wow. You should have been able to help him with his problems and he should have been able to do the same for you. You two should have been fixing yourselves TOGETHER. For me, if marriage is the goal, I'm not going to give up because of weight issues or any other issues. Some couples try therapy together and other measures, my girlfriend fought hard to make her marriage work. Her husband wasn't cheating but things with them wasn't working out. Now they're happier than ever. That's cause he was willing to fight just as hard as her. If you want him, you need to go get him. See if he wants to make up. If not, move on cause he is happy doing his own thing and dancing to his own tune. There is a good chance of him falling for someone else, yes you're correct. Don't be friends with benefits with him either, he commits or you move on. He has to want this as much as you do or it won't work out. Life is too to be unhappy so do what makes you happy.

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  • "My main goal is to be in a relationship again". There's your problem. You shouldn't try to rely on someone else for your happiness. Speaking from experience (although my relationship was only 2 1/2 years), when you're in a rut and not happy with yourself, being alone, and working through it, is the best thing you can do. It's scary as hell, but be brave. Maybe he's the one, maybe not. But like you say, you both need space. Explore other things, go out, meet new friends, have fun. Life's too short to not be the best person you can be. :)

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