How should I end this with this girl?

I've been casually seeing this girl at college. On paper, she has everything I would want in a girl: easy to talk to, similar interests, great chemistry, sweet as hell, beautiful. She laughs at my jokes, appreciates me for me - I can be real with her. After I graduated, she just had to see me one more time before I left campus. Then she spammed my e-mail with old jokes, saying "because why not"

But on the flipside, she has all the classic signs of an EUP (emotionally unavailable person). She has practically zero self-esteem, putting herself down and blaming herself a lot. She got drunk once and started crying, "I'm a loser, I'm a rando, I don't mean anything to people, please ignore me, why would anyone want to talk to me." She's flaky: we'll spend magical time together, try to make subsequent plansm and then she'll just wander off and be ultra-apologetic afterward. Or she'll text me, I'll respond, things will be good, but then she'll disappear for days. She's emotionally distant: I've tried to initiate deep talks about feelings and she'll revert it back to just jokes quickly. Which was fun initially, but now it's unfulfilling. And the worst part is there's no signs of change - 7 months later, she still has these EUP signs, she still wanders off, nothing has moved forward.

I've so wanted someone that I can be real, true, and feel safe with, and I found her. But she's just too scared. Now a graduate, I want MY life to move forward. She's gone on long enough. It's an unfulfilling LDR now at best anyway.

I want to end this sort-of-relationship, but also leave the door open. If she matures and grows up emotionally, I'd be open to a possible future. But after 7 months of saying ad nauseum, "You mean a lot to me and I like you for you," I don't know how to say, "This is too hard for me; we can't be together until you change. I can't be with you as you are." In terms of Game of Thrones metaphors, I want to stop the wheel, but not break the wheel. How do I do this?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Honestly, there's no good or easy way to end things, so I would just be straight up with her, which is what you probably should have done from the start. I know you said she isn't good at talking about feelings, but it sounds like you could have been more honest and open with her. Anyways, if she eventually matures to the point that you want her to, at that point she will appreciate you having told her these things that she needs to here. If telling her to grow up permanently breaks the wheel, it's for the best.

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    • You're right. I should've told her my acute feelings from the beginning before I really fell for her. I was trying to be patient with her because she's so shy, but maybe it was my own fear of scaring her away. Anyways, thanks for the honesty and the encouragement. Hopefully the truth will set me (and her?) free...

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What Girls Said 1

  • Wow! Good luck to you

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What Guys Said 3

  • Take everything you said here, then just address it to her. It tells her how you feel about her about how you want to be with her but can't so long as she refuses to let your relationship evolve. Its honest and genuine. So just tell her all of that.

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    • Yeah. I wrote all my feelings (good and bad) down in a letter. I feel like I should use the words I wrote and address her in person though, rather than just send her a breakup letter out of the blue...

    • It would be better to do it in person, don't let her change the subject either, she needs to know that you care but she is the one choosing this not you. However keep the letter as a back up plan in case she refuses to listent you can give her it and then let her decide whether or not she reads it.

  • Just be honest with her and tell her the real reason, the truth as to what you feel or think about this, that is her (EUP) and I would say it's very mature to say that you are open to it in future is she changes, so good luck to you.

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    • Thanks bro. I really hope she doesn't tell me she never wants to speak to me again... I have been a constant in her life now for a while... eh... this stuff is hard as shit.

  • You need to think about yourself more now, Just go up to her straight and be like "I dont think we can workout anymlre"

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    • Yeah, you're right. I really love her, but I have to love myself more here...

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