How long do you stick it out?

I won't go into tons of details but basically troubled marriage for quite some time. I don't hate him but I really don't love him either.
I've been in it for the kids for at least a couple of years but with huge fights every month or so (among other things) I'm emotionally burnt out.
How long would you stay in my shoes?

  • Stay forever, you made a promise and you'll get through.
    Vote A
  • Stay until your kids are out of the house
    Vote B
  • Leave, the kids are young and will be fine
    Vote C
  • Why didn't you leave years ago?
    Vote D
Select age and gender to cast your vote:
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Updates:
Wow I'm very impressed with everybody's responses. I'm especially grateful to those of you who have been through this situation before. This is why we need people of many different ages on gag.
Even though your viewpoints are very diverse I can see the sense in all of them.
Thanks for the input everyone.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • My mum did that "stick it out for the kids" shit and trust me it does more harm than good. I am a child of that relationship and I am telling you that now. You should leave him. When your children are old enough, tell them openly why you left him and trust me everything will be a lot better that way. Also, you said that you don't hate him which means that you and your partner can be civil towards each other. I would leave now before that changes. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE... Don't waste your life with someone you don't even love when your kids could still find happiness because trust me as they get older they will see what you're doing, and I really wish my mother just left my father so that she could be happy. Enjoy life! I just looked at your profile picture and I think you are a very beautiful woman who just wants the best for her kids. For that I respect you. There is no reason why you can't have happy kids that still see their father and simultaneously be in a relationship that makes you excited and happy. You absolutely deserve it.

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What Guys Said 22

  • I got married at 27 after knowing my wife for less than two months, and during those two months, I was in the Navy and only saw her less than ten days. Many of her friends told her she was crazy and that the marriage would not last. But we believed we had found our "soul mates" in each other. Our intent was to marry and be together "forever". Unfortunately, forever was cut short by her cancer.

    We lasted because we had the belief from the beginning that we would stay together and work out any problems. When we promised "till death do us part" we meant it. We had our rough spots, so we worked through them. Both of us, together. I understand that you have tried. Tried a lot! But it seems he has not. It is to the point where you definitely need the guidance of a therapist/counselor, and he is refusing. The experts will tell you that if your spouse won't go, then go by yourself. But he is against that to the point that he is not letting you go.

    That seems to say that you have no options left. Your marriage will not get better, ever, unless he completely changes, which is very unlikely. If you accept that, then what are you willing to put up with from now on? You do not deserve having to live the rest of your life without the love you desire, need, and deserve.

    I am surprised to hear you say the sex is good. Most women need a connect to enjoy the sex. And they need a really great connect to enjoy great sex. And I cannot see much of a connect between you and a guy who abuses you (emotionally).

    Your religious community worries you about divorcing him. The effect on your kids worries you. His threat to not give you any money though you would be taking care of his kids worries you. His possibly leaving the country worries you. And not spoken is the possibility that he could take the kids to his home country.

    I don't have any great ideas for your problems. But I think you need to realize that although your kids might want the two of you together, they realize that each of you is unhappy, and they do want you happy.

    I do not know what he feels about being separated from the kids, but I get the impression he doesn't care that much. Of course, you want to be with them completely.

    Only you can decide where to go. How much do you take on by yourself, and how much will you need to struggle with the church community. My belief is that you will not find happiness continuing in your marriage. I am a firm believer in fixing things, but it seems beyond fixing.

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    • You pretty much hit the nail on the head. I'm not saying I'm not to blame either but really our problems stem from bigger things like culture and language which I don't see how to change.
      I love the love story of you and your wife. That's pretty much the dream isn't it?
      As for the sex part of it, I do have an emotional connection with him. The problem is that its very fire and ice.

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    • Did you go to Korea to meet the family that you have met?

    • I've never been. My mother in law comes here but my father in law isn't interested.

  • Hi. I know this is an older question, and I've never been married before, but I felt sorry for your situation and thought that I would offer you any advice I could!
    I understand why you are staying in this marriage for the kids, but I feel that if you both don't love one another, or even if you don't love him anymore, the kids will pick up on this and it will be worse for them in the long run. Also the arguments will make things so much worse!
    Have you spoke with your husband about how you're feeling? Do you know if he feels the same? It's a massive decision to make, but if you have felt the same for so many years now, it doesn't look like much is going to change?
    Perhaps for the benefit of everyone, you, your husband and your kids, you need to get out of this relationship now. It may be very upsetting for your kids, but it would be the right decision. As long as your kids know that both of their parents still love them deeply, and they see both parents on a regular basis, I'm sure that it would be the better decision in the long run.
    Have you already made a decision on this since you first asked the question? I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but I hope that it works out for you and everyone involved! :)

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    • Thank you very much for your comment. I haven't decided anything yet. It's a very complicated situated and I don't want to rush into a decision.

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    • Thank you!❤

    • You're welcome! :)

  • You should leave now. Sure, it'll be tough on the kids, but it's even worse for them to stay in a house where their parents aren't happy.
    Find happiness somewhere else and translate that happiness to your kids, staying will only make you unhappy and therefore your kids too.

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    • I'm so sorry you're going through this, Belle :(
      You have my full support ♥

    • Thanks I appreciate your advice and the fact that you're always there for me 😌

  • Have you attempted to go to a marriage councilor? One should exhaust all possibilities before resorting to divorce, it really does have a severly negative impact on children. Otherwise I would if possible try and wait until the children are 18 because whether your happy or not they do need both parents there with them.

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    • He refuses counseling both together and even just for me. I appreciate your advice.

    • Show All
    • Well good luck, again I would recommend that you try everything at your disposal, children of divorce are far more likely to divorce themselves, most likely because they where shown that walking away is easier then confronting the problem. Obviousley some times it is necessary but its better to try and fail instead of just fail. I hope you can resolve your issues, its not a particularly good situation to be in no matter what happens. Good luck.

    • Thank you

  • 1. I've seen a lot of people do that 'staying on for the kids' - does more harm to the kids than good :)
    2. Believe me I am one such kid and nature's been kind to me making me what I am today but most turn out like one of the parents or worse
    3. I split up more because of my wife listening too much to her mother and her subtle interference into a situation that she could never understand (we come from north south of social upbringing and circles)
    4. I fought (verbally) just once and then my daughter who was about 5 then reminded how I used to be with those domestic fights around hence decided to turn into a punching bag
    5. If not both then at least one of them has to understand these situations but most time we are too much into ourselves to think about the kid (s)
    6. I'd say move out for everyone's sake and that's the best
    7. If being separated for sometime can heal situations then nothing like it but both need to be willing to do that i. e. heal yourselves
    8. In my case I took all the blame (still do lol) because I know that the moment I raise my voice / opinion / action the child will bear the brunt and just to squarely blame me for it ha ha so best to keep quiet and 'toe the line'
    9. The only difference here is the gender :D

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    • Oh I didn't vote cause I don't go with any of them :) it depends on what suits the situation best and every one of them differs :)

    • I was hoping you'd opine. I agree very much with what you're saying. It's a lot to think about.

    • I didn't get on GAG a cpl of days :D just got on now :D Just in case if ok with you 'inbox' me when you ask something cause even when I log with paucity of time, I check messages and may log out. Hence, in such a situation I will opine too then log out ;D

      A lot to think yes but never think forever - only worsens it especially for the kids

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What Girls Said 11

  • Don't stay for your kids. I don't know how old your kids are but if they haven't already, they'll catch on eventually. Have you ever met an adult who grew up with parents in a loveless marriage? They're way more fucked up than kids who saw their parents happy and emotionally healthy independently. That doesn't mean it will be easy for anyone, but things happen.

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  • Id fake a smile on my face until my kids are out of the house. Don't fight infront of your kids or divorce while they're kids, it really messed me up psychologically. Meanwhile it doesn't hurt to try marriave counseling.

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    • He refuses counseling unfortunately. Do you think it wouldn't have hurt you just as much as a young adult?

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    • Well I mean statistically children of divorce are at least 40% more likely to get divorced themselves , and both my parents' parents got divorced too. And even if my parents were to get married again they'd have a 60% chance of ending in divorce again.

      Lol you see what it's done to me 😫 I've devoted my time to divorce stats in hope that it'll never come true for me, if I do decide to ever marry...

    • Ha ha you poor cute girl! 💋

  • I'd put all my efforts into saving it. If still he doesn't play his part or I have no affection left for him, I'm beginning to get depressed due to him, I'd part ways with him on a good note

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  • Depends.
    How old are your kids?
    Do they love their father?

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    • My son is 6 my daughter almost 10. They love him a lot.

    • @asker : you guys should really REALLY try to make this work because of kids.. Because it might ruin their childhood.. I know the feeling.
      But if you believe you can't stay with him anymore, then leave him. I'm sure your kids will understand when they'll grow up :)

    • Thanks for your opinion. 😌

  • I'm sorry to hear this. I doubt I'm qualified to answer, but all I know is that kids are very aware of people's emotions, even if the other tries hiding it. I know when I was growing up, my parents would fight so much, my siblings and I were always shocked that they were still together.

    If you go through with it, have you hinted that you might leave? How do you think your kids will handle it if you do leave?

    Personally, I would just leave if you exhausted all the options. The emotional toll is often too much psychologically and physically, which I think affects kids too.

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    • We've almost separated 3 times in the last year or so. It's something we're discussing together atm.
      I'm not sure how the kids would do and thats what concerns me.
      Thank you for opining!

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