How long do you stick it out?

I won't go into tons of details but basically troubled marriage for quite some time. I don't hate him but I really don't love him either.
I've been in it for the kids for at least a couple of years but with huge fights every month or so (among other things) I'm emotionally burnt out.
How long would you stay in my shoes?

  • Stay forever, you made a promise and you'll get through.
    Vote A
  • Stay until your kids are out of the house
    Vote B
  • Leave, the kids are young and will be fine
    Vote C
  • Why didn't you leave years ago?
    Vote D
Select age and gender to cast your vote:
I'm a GirlI'm a Guy
Updates:
Wow I'm very impressed with everybody's responses. I'm especially grateful to those of you who have been through this situation before. This is why we need people of many different ages on gag.
Even though your viewpoints are very diverse I can see the sense in all of them.
Thanks for the input everyone.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • My mum did that "stick it out for the kids" shit and trust me it does more harm than good. I am a child of that relationship and I am telling you that now. You should leave him. When your children are old enough, tell them openly why you left him and trust me everything will be a lot better that way. Also, you said that you don't hate him which means that you and your partner can be civil towards each other. I would leave now before that changes. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE... Don't waste your life with someone you don't even love when your kids could still find happiness because trust me as they get older they will see what you're doing, and I really wish my mother just left my father so that she could be happy. Enjoy life! I just looked at your profile picture and I think you are a very beautiful woman who just wants the best for her kids. For that I respect you. There is no reason why you can't have happy kids that still see their father and simultaneously be in a relationship that makes you excited and happy. You absolutely deserve it.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 22

  • I got married at 27 after knowing my wife for less than two months, and during those two months, I was in the Navy and only saw her less than ten days. Many of her friends told her she was crazy and that the marriage would not last. But we believed we had found our "soul mates" in each other. Our intent was to marry and be together "forever". Unfortunately, forever was cut short by her cancer.

    We lasted because we had the belief from the beginning that we would stay together and work out any problems. When we promised "till death do us part" we meant it. We had our rough spots, so we worked through them. Both of us, together. I understand that you have tried. Tried a lot! But it seems he has not. It is to the point where you definitely need the guidance of a therapist/counselor, and he is refusing. The experts will tell you that if your spouse won't go, then go by yourself. But he is against that to the point that he is not letting you go.

    That seems to say that you have no options left. Your marriage will not get better, ever, unless he completely changes, which is very unlikely. If you accept that, then what are you willing to put up with from now on? You do not deserve having to live the rest of your life without the love you desire, need, and deserve.

    I am surprised to hear you say the sex is good. Most women need a connect to enjoy the sex. And they need a really great connect to enjoy great sex. And I cannot see much of a connect between you and a guy who abuses you (emotionally).

    Your religious community worries you about divorcing him. The effect on your kids worries you. His threat to not give you any money though you would be taking care of his kids worries you. His possibly leaving the country worries you. And not spoken is the possibility that he could take the kids to his home country.

    I don't have any great ideas for your problems. But I think you need to realize that although your kids might want the two of you together, they realize that each of you is unhappy, and they do want you happy.

    I do not know what he feels about being separated from the kids, but I get the impression he doesn't care that much. Of course, you want to be with them completely.

    Only you can decide where to go. How much do you take on by yourself, and how much will you need to struggle with the church community. My belief is that you will not find happiness continuing in your marriage. I am a firm believer in fixing things, but it seems beyond fixing.

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    • You pretty much hit the nail on the head. I'm not saying I'm not to blame either but really our problems stem from bigger things like culture and language which I don't see how to change.
      I love the love story of you and your wife. That's pretty much the dream isn't it?
      As for the sex part of it, I do have an emotional connection with him. The problem is that its very fire and ice.

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    • Did you go to Korea to meet the family that you have met?

    • I've never been. My mother in law comes here but my father in law isn't interested.

  • Hi. I know this is an older question, and I've never been married before, but I felt sorry for your situation and thought that I would offer you any advice I could!
    I understand why you are staying in this marriage for the kids, but I feel that if you both don't love one another, or even if you don't love him anymore, the kids will pick up on this and it will be worse for them in the long run. Also the arguments will make things so much worse!
    Have you spoke with your husband about how you're feeling? Do you know if he feels the same? It's a massive decision to make, but if you have felt the same for so many years now, it doesn't look like much is going to change?
    Perhaps for the benefit of everyone, you, your husband and your kids, you need to get out of this relationship now. It may be very upsetting for your kids, but it would be the right decision. As long as your kids know that both of their parents still love them deeply, and they see both parents on a regular basis, I'm sure that it would be the better decision in the long run.
    Have you already made a decision on this since you first asked the question? I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but I hope that it works out for you and everyone involved! :)

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    • Thank you very much for your comment. I haven't decided anything yet. It's a very complicated situated and I don't want to rush into a decision.

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    • Thank you!❀

    • You're welcome! :)

  • Have you attempted to go to a marriage councilor? One should exhaust all possibilities before resorting to divorce, it really does have a severly negative impact on children. Otherwise I would if possible try and wait until the children are 18 because whether your happy or not they do need both parents there with them.

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    • He refuses counseling both together and even just for me. I appreciate your advice.

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    • Well good luck, again I would recommend that you try everything at your disposal, children of divorce are far more likely to divorce themselves, most likely because they where shown that walking away is easier then confronting the problem. Obviousley some times it is necessary but its better to try and fail instead of just fail. I hope you can resolve your issues, its not a particularly good situation to be in no matter what happens. Good luck.

  • You should leave now. Sure, it'll be tough on the kids, but it's even worse for them to stay in a house where their parents aren't happy.
    Find happiness somewhere else and translate that happiness to your kids, staying will only make you unhappy and therefore your kids too.

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    • I'm so sorry you're going through this, Belle :(
      You have my full support β™₯

    • Thanks I appreciate your advice and the fact that you're always there for me 😌

  • I know for sure im not qualified to answer this, it must be damn tough and draining to stick with it for the kids, hmm... I honestly am not sure.. I'd have to be in that position as well but if I can imagine it.. living with someone I really cannot live with anymore, also assuming there isn't much sex going on, I would call it for what it is, so probably not that long. maybe 1-2 years.

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  • Well, B is the best solution of course but... if you can't cope anymore than it will need to be C.
    The kids will have a difficult time when mom and dad separate. We all know that.
    If you make the decision, make sure you don't focus on your problems as a couple, focus on continuing to give tender loving care to the kids.
    And whatever happens DO NOT ARGUE WHEN THEY'RE LOOKING!
    It must be the most horrendous thing for a kid to see mom and dad fighting, and being in that same house :o
    Wish you all the strengh you'll need. If you need a chat, shout :D :D

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  • 1. I've seen a lot of people do that 'staying on for the kids' - does more harm to the kids than good :)
    2. Believe me I am one such kid and nature's been kind to me making me what I am today but most turn out like one of the parents or worse
    3. I split up more because of my wife listening too much to her mother and her subtle interference into a situation that she could never understand (we come from north south of social upbringing and circles)
    4. I fought (verbally) just once and then my daughter who was about 5 then reminded how I used to be with those domestic fights around hence decided to turn into a punching bag
    5. If not both then at least one of them has to understand these situations but most time we are too much into ourselves to think about the kid (s)
    6. I'd say move out for everyone's sake and that's the best
    7. If being separated for sometime can heal situations then nothing like it but both need to be willing to do that i. e. heal yourselves
    8. In my case I took all the blame (still do lol) because I know that the moment I raise my voice / opinion / action the child will bear the brunt and just to squarely blame me for it ha ha so best to keep quiet and 'toe the line'
    9. The only difference here is the gender :D

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    • Oh I didn't vote cause I don't go with any of them :) it depends on what suits the situation best and every one of them differs :)

    • I was hoping you'd opine. I agree very much with what you're saying. It's a lot to think about.

    • I didn't get on GAG a cpl of days :D just got on now :D Just in case if ok with you 'inbox' me when you ask something cause even when I log with paucity of time, I check messages and may log out. Hence, in such a situation I will opine too then log out ;D

      A lot to think yes but never think forever - only worsens it especially for the kids

  • I'm sorry for your troubles :(. My opinion will probably be helpless.
    You can't just up and leave without trying to work it out, leaving/divorce should only be opted for when all else fails. Have you tried getting to the cause and why you don't love him anymore, also have you expressed too your husband how you feel. Their is a reason you married him, and need to try and find your way back to that reason and try to work things out weather it be personally or via counseling.

    "Be completely humble and gentle; Be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace."- Ephesians 4:2-3

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilA_un1gZNw

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  • This was very bad to learn, mrs powerful. i didn't vote any option because i don't know details about your marriage but i wish best for you and your family from God.

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  • I stayed in a loveless marriage for the sake of my children. Not a good idea !
    Myself and their mother are now divorced and get on better then ever before. We both take very active rolls in the children's lives and always put there needs first.
    The first six months are emotionally draining and can really take its toll. But as long as you and your partner work through it ( I know that seems like a conflicting ideology ) together for the kids sake , then there is no reason you can't make a clean break and both live happy separate lives. Good luck girl !

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  • That's really a decision you have to make on your own. For me, personally, I have a strong resolve to constantly work at my own relationships as much as I possibly can to make them work because, for me, I don't ever want to leave the relationship. For marriage, I intend to stay in it permanently even if things get really rough and we both aren't feeling it. I want to do anything and everything I can to make it work. For myself, I'd stick through it forever. Not everyone's like that, though. That's probably why my previous two relationships ended without me initiating the breakups. I wanted to keep working hard to mend it, but they never wanted it and just rejected my efforts. -shrugs-

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  • I'm sorry, Belle. :(

    You know, Iiunderstand st's easy for me

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    • Wow, major phone fail. Let me repost.

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    • I feel like it's beyond repair in the sense that if we stay together it's strictly a business relationship. He's okay with that and I really need more of an emotional connection.
      Whatever happens I'll be fine :)

    • Yes, you will. :)

  • I can't give an opinion because I know what's the reason behind your " basically troubled marriage"
    Some problems can be fixed, others not.

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    • Fair enough.
      Issues mostly with language, culture, religion and some emotional abuse. It's complex.

  • I really want to help but I really have no idea. If in a romantic relationship, I would try to fix those problems and then decide whether break up or not.
    But that is a marriage. The price is too high: the time you spend for a new relationship, your kids, heritage, etc. I could not imagine such a situation now because I never experienced.
    But personally, I do not want to sound like I do not care about your feelings, but I would suggest that if you have experienced that for a long time and feel you cannot fix it, then leave at least after your kids are 12 years old. My young cousin's parents divorced when he was 8 years old, and that was like Armageddon for him. He is 13 years old now and still cannot get over it now. Once he even asked me if that divorce was as terrible as the scene in the Book of Revelation.
    For yourself, I would say as soon as possible because the older you are, the more cumbersome it is.
    (Sorry, it is a little bit long. I wish it helps.)

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  • I'm saddened to hear this ;(

    Stay until your kids are old enough to think for themselves.

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  • I think after getting married it is an kind of obligation on both parties to stay together forever, but I'm not American and I've had a different upbringing, only one uncle and aunt from my immediate family has got divorced. I think you should seek counselling and stay at least till your kids are out of the house, if the things does not improve...

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    • Thanks for your opinion. Even though I'm American it's very looked down upon in my particular culture as well.

  • Look @bellegirl21 away of my heart if I were you that will depend on fights if it just silly fight continue with himπŸ’”and if he hit you no way to stay with him at all and I'm ready anytime to be your husband ❀️
    Excuse me for kidding*
    But you still the only one who can choose the perfect thing depending on
    How my kids love him?
    Is he hitting me or no?
    Is he giving me money or not?
    Is he powerful in sex or not?
    Is he just have sex with me or also kissing, hug?
    Is his family make me gonna mad?
    Do you love him or not honestly?
    And I wanna know something how do you marry him if you don't love or hate him and moreover have 2 kids from him?

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    • Thats very sweet. Also many questions lol πŸ˜‰

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    • @anon1999 not if he leaves the country which is almost certain.

    • OMG I didn't think about that. That is really tough. You are in a really tough situation. I would strongly suggest talking to an attorney that is not from your area but still in your same state.

  • .. arg I need to go quick, but I want to say something, I am exactly in your position. Will come back to this.

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    • Look forward to your opinion.

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    • ... and said "You are amazing, you are beautiful, but I want to sleep with other women without cheating on you and I want to sexplore". So at this point in time, the amazing person she is, took all of societies rules and shoved them and we trying an open relationship (strict rules though). And I am loving her more than ever. This is our journey however. Your might be different. But the key is to know whats causing the problem, and what you want to do about it.

    • You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you

  • If you figure out what to do, please let me know... Asking for a friend.

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    • Will do πŸ˜„

    • My advice is always... Kids know when things are bad. You're not helping anyone being miserable in a relationship. More than anything else, your kids want you to be happy.

      Of course I'm awesome at giving advice, horrible at using it myself.

  • Have you tried counselling?

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  • When you have kids it makes this decision and problem a million times harder. A lot of women will stay in the situation because of the kids. The kids know something is not write even if the parents do the best to hide any issues. If you are getting brought down emotionally, physically or whatever you won't be able to be the parent that your kids need. Also, something that is really important is your relationship is going to be an example of what your kids are going to grow up thinking a relationship should be like. There are a lot of kids that are just fine from a divorced home. It doesn't sound like you are getting treated fairly in your marriage and it is taking a huge toll on you mentally and physically.

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    • Thanks for your opinion. As always you're very level headed.

    • *right instead of write.

      You are welcome :D Keep your head up you have people who are more than willing to support you through it. Don't worry about the religious reasons people need to clean around their own doorsteps before they start worrying about their neighbors problems.

    • You're right on the religious aspects but I would have some pretty significant backlash religion wise if I get divorced.

  • Sticking it out is for things like lost jobs, or situations where outside influences are having a negative affect on your marriage.

    If you're having problems in your relationship because one or both of you are basically just sick of it, that's not a storm that you're going to weather.

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What Girls Said 11

  • Don't stay for your kids. I don't know how old your kids are but if they haven't already, they'll catch on eventually. Have you ever met an adult who grew up with parents in a loveless marriage? They're way more fucked up than kids who saw their parents happy and emotionally healthy independently. That doesn't mean it will be easy for anyone, but things happen.

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  • This is so hard to answer because without the detail that you're leaving out, I can't say whether or not it's wise to leave. Things can be worked out if you take things to the next level, as in with marriage counselling. It sounds the marriage has hit a routine of handling things poorly and running in this hamster wheel because there is no other way to try and fix something.

    Only the two people in the marriage know how bad "bad" really is. But staying for the kids is a mistake. I've never seen that end well and the kids resent you in the end anyway. Best to let them adjust to a split than teach them how to handle poor marriages and also take away some valuable dating years for both partners.

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  • I'd put all my efforts into saving it. If still he doesn't play his part or I have no affection left for him, I'm beginning to get depressed due to him, I'd part ways with him on a good note

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  • Id fake a smile on my face until my kids are out of the house. Don't fight infront of your kids or divorce while they're kids, it really messed me up psychologically. Meanwhile it doesn't hurt to try marriave counseling.

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    • He refuses counseling unfortunately. Do you think it wouldn't have hurt you just as much as a young adult?

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    • Well I mean statistically children of divorce are at least 40% more likely to get divorced themselves , and both my parents' parents got divorced too. And even if my parents were to get married again they'd have a 60% chance of ending in divorce again.

      Lol you see what it's done to me 😫 I've devoted my time to divorce stats in hope that it'll never come true for me, if I do decide to ever marry...

    • Ha ha you poor cute girl! πŸ’‹

  • I'm sorry to hear this. I doubt I'm qualified to answer, but all I know is that kids are very aware of people's emotions, even if the other tries hiding it. I know when I was growing up, my parents would fight so much, my siblings and I were always shocked that they were still together.

    If you go through with it, have you hinted that you might leave? How do you think your kids will handle it if you do leave?

    Personally, I would just leave if you exhausted all the options. The emotional toll is often too much psychologically and physically, which I think affects kids too.

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    • We've almost separated 3 times in the last year or so. It's something we're discussing together atm.
      I'm not sure how the kids would do and thats what concerns me.
      Thank you for opining!

  • I really don't know. Nobody is divorced in my family, but I feel some of my cousins would have been happier if they did, although they don't really seem screwed up. But I have also heard of couples who find themselves again after years of cheating or hating each other and started loving each other again. I don't know they're secret though.
    I guess it all depends on what kind of example you want to set for your kids.

    I just read that you think he won't have to pay alimony if he leaves the country. Do you know for sure? Some countries have treaties with the US and help them catch the delinquents. That's how Roman Polanski got arrested in Switzerland, but he could walk freely around in France for decades.

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  • Depends.
    How old are your kids?
    Do they love their father?

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    • My son is 6 my daughter almost 10. They love him a lot.

    • @asker : you guys should really REALLY try to make this work because of kids.. Because it might ruin their childhood.. I know the feeling.
      But if you believe you can't stay with him anymore, then leave him. I'm sure your kids will understand when they'll grow up :)

    • Thanks for your opinion. 😌

  • are you sure you can support them by yourself? I've heard that support payments are only 20-30 percent of the paycheck, so that's hardly anything. if you think you can, then go for it.

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  • I'm so sorry but I would suffer threw it for the kids but once they are grown I would leave.

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  • I'd suggest staying until your kids are out of the house.

    I know a lot of people who work as therapists and social workers. One thing most of them agree on is that the idea that children are better off with their parents being split up instead of living with two unhappily married parents is in most cases self-serving nonsense (exceptions tend to be homes with problems with addiction and/or violence).

    I understand what you're probably feeling. My marriage fell apart badly. I stayed until my kids were away to college. I felt that their growing up in a reasonably stable home environment was more important than me being unhappy in a failed and unpleasant relationship. It sucked - a lot - but It didn't last forever.

    That said, do what you think is right.

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  • I never understand when people who don't want to be together anymore stay together for the kids. You say there's a huge fight every month, are you sure the kids don't know about this? Now, when I was around eight years old my parents separated. Yes, it was a shock, but not for that long really. It always surprises me when my mum tells me now (I'm 38 now) that she made an effort never to fight in front of my siblings and me. We all knew exactly what was going on. I don't know if we witnessed all the fights, but kids can feel the negative atmosphere, that their parents don't get along, etc. So just staying together for the kids's sake seems like a somewhat flawed argument. I believe what kids want and need is for their parents to be happen. If the parents are happier when they are apart/divorced, then so be it. Like I say, it's a shock for every kid initially when the parents no longer want to be together. But in the long-run, it's for their own good.

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    • *to be happy

    • Thank you. This makes a lot of sense and I appreciate your experience in it.

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