Am I allowed to "hate" my ex for dumping me because of this?

I'll call it "The Blind Side" break up. Basically we were together for 3 years and it never even crossed my mind that he is not happy. He always seemed so happy with me. And I was happy too. I loved him and I thought he loves me too since he said it milion times and proved it milion times more. Then one day, out of nowhere, he just said that he thinks he doesn't love me anymore and that I am not the one. That he has been thinking about it and trying to shake the feeling off, but that it wasn't getting better. He said it's nothing that I've done, that I am amazing, but that I am not what he wants. He assured me it wasn't no one else, that he just wants to be single.
It came off as a huge shock to me and my self-esteem was ruined completly. I keep thinking if maybe he told me sooner and we talked about it, maybe we could've fix it.
If he was the one writing here I am sure all of you would not blame him and would encourage him that he did the right thing, but why can't I just accept it and do the same too? I can't seem to move on without hating him. I'm having a battle between logic and emotions. How do I get my self-esteem back without thinking about him as a loser? I'm trying to be mature enough and to forgive and forget him, because I know he never meant to hurt me and that he feels like crap, but I simply can't. Do I have the right to be mad at him and think low of him? It's the only thing that helps me going through the day.
One guy here posted something similar that my ex would say and I just told that guy that he is a jerk, I couldn't give him a good opinion. It made me feel even wrose that there are people like my ex, and double worse that a lot of people posted positive opinions on that guy's question. I feel I can't have empathy when it comes to just "realizing your SO is not what you want" after years being together. I want to punch those people in their faces. And when people ask me about my ex I start trash talking about him.
It's bee 5 months since we broke up and I don't have any good thoughts about him. I feel like every moment that we had was fake. One friend told me I should give him a slack, but I simply can't. I don't love him anymore and I don't want to be with him. I still keep thinking about him every day, but I'm not sad I'm just disgusted and ashamed. Am I terrible person? I had boyfriends before and I think all of them are losers. One left me for drugs and other one because his mommy didn't like me.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I would say you are allowed to be angry because he didn't share his feelings with you. He was honest in the end, but all the time he spent battling his own emotions he was basically deceiving you, and THAT hurts.

    I wouldn't say he's a loser, but he most certainly does deserve your anger for not letting you be part of something that was critically important to your relationship. He acted childishly, and as a result of that hurt you badly.

    He hadn't grown up yet. This was not the relationship you needed. Use this insight and experience to make yourself stronger, and you _will_ come out better in the end.

    • Thank you for your opinion. He wants us to stay friends and he writes me from time to time, expecting me to act civil and normal. I am trying to be civil but every time he writes me I have these urge to tell him to fuck off and give him a cold shoulder. He has been very nice to me ever since the break up, I know he still cares about some stuff like for example about my sick mom and my career (I got promoted to a very high position and he called to congratulate me), and I feel like talking civil to him and putting smile on my face just doesn't feel right. I am putting an act and I don't want to do that. But I still kind of feel obligated to answer him in nice manners because I don't want to hurt him by blowing him out.

    • I would simply be polite and say that this breakup was very disturbing for you, and you would prefer to move on and not have any contact. That's all. I bet he feels bad about how he has behaved, which makes it even more sensible for him to honor such a request. Sure, it might hurt him, but that's how things are and he needs to experience that he is not wanted anymore; a powerful lesson in life.

      If you don't tell him, you'll be the one who's hiding your feelings and no good can come of that.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm on day 3 of my break up where I was also blind sided. We weren't together as long as you two were... Only 7 months but it still hurts regardless and is the worst breakup of my life so far. I'm struggling just as much with self esteem. But I'm telling myself that this has to happen and I have to go through this pain in order to find my right man. My ex just wasn't my right man even if I thought he was. There is someone better out there who will appreciate me and love me even better. It's not the end of the road and you will find someone again. No need in being angry about your ex because he is human and can't help that he just doesn't feel the chemistry anymore. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with you! It means you are wrong FOR him and that you are in the wrong relationship. Your right fit is still out there. But your ex wasn't that right fit.

    Journaling has helped me a lot as well as forums like loveshack. com and enotalone. You can consider those options for helping you cope. I am also going to start therapy tomorrow to help me so that is another option for you.


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What Guys Said 5

  • The relationship I just ended was the exact same as this. You can call me a jerk all you want, and my ex is just as pissed at me as you are at yours, but being mad like this shows your immaturity. You're mad because you're being selfish and thinking that "he's such an asshole because he dumped me!" Have some empathy and realize that he tried his best to make the relationship work, and at least he had the balls to be honest and tell you. Imagine what would have happened if he stuck around to make you happy while he was miserable. Just because he hurt you and threw you out of your comfort zone doesn't give you the right to be mad. He did the right thing, now you need to accept his decision and swallow your pride. Like you said, he feels bad about it to, so at least try to have some understanding. Just because a relationship is perfect doesn't mean that the couple in it are perfect for each other. I learned that recently. Just ask yourself this: what if he never told you about any of this and continued to just go through the motions of the relationship? Would you feel even worse? I'm not trying to glorify him, and I'm sure he has faults as well, but learn to accept the decision instead of lashing out simply because you're hurt.

  • Why not turn the tables and see his honesty as a gift?

    I mean, sure, you can be angry with him all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that you guys weren't meant to be. And neither of you needs to be the "loser" in order for the other to feel better.

    Now that you've broken up, you have the opportunity to find your "one." Imagine if he kept his feelings to himself, thus depriving you of finding true, reciprocated love?

    • He thought I was "the one" and it turned out I wasn't. How am I ever gonna be able to believe in "the one" theory again if it can always turn out to not be? It's like realizing that Santa Clause doesn't exist. I love myself and I think every man would be happy to have me. It's kind of hard not disliking someone who dislikes you.

    • Well, to be perfectly honest with you, I think you're wanting to see the negatives too much.

      -not all relationships turn out to be the "one." This doesn't mean that you stop trying.

      -Santa Claus doesn't exist but you still get presents on Christmas, dontcha?

      -him not believing you're "the one" =/= him disliking you.

  • You're allowed to hate him if he left the toilet seat up.

  • Yeah I told my wife the same thing. What the hell do you want? For us to stay in a relationship we don't like and continue your years with a guy who doesn't love you inside?

  • I took me close to 18 months to stop hating my ex after she dumped me.


What Girls Said 2

  • All of a sudden break ups don't seem normal to me. It is just too harming.

    He had his reasons. He should have discussed with you earlier though.

    What you need to do; let it go. Do not hold the grudge. Do not let this affects you badly in your next relationship.

    You feel pain and you are so angry at him. You are right. But those do not help.
    Let it go , girl. Just let it go.
    At the end you will calm down and feel better.

  • You are allowed to hate him. You are allowed to have any feelings that you have, no matter what they are. Maybe this hatred will eventually even help you to move on. Just please, stop talking to him. If he writes to you just ignore him. Filter his emails or whatever to your trash if you must, but don't reply.


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