Is Lack of Sympathy a Deal Breaker in a Relationship?

I've been going out with this guy for a couple of weeks.
I don't love him. I'm not crazy about him. he's okay. I went out with him because he was very persistent and good looking. he seemed like a nice guy.
Anyway , my Pet rabbit just died. and I wad very frustrated because I didn't notice he was sick and he died right in my arms. He texted me? I texted back. he asked my what's wrong I told him crying my eyes out. He said :' he'll make a great rabbit stew". with stupid smiley faces. I was shocked , then I cried and I ended up getting mad and I told him it wasn't okay to say that , he said :' it's just an animal" that got me even angrier. I didn't reply , he texted back : " what about me ! you love me " he always does that. it's like the world revolves around him and him only. In my mind I was like : " No Fucker ! I love my dead Rabbit way more , at least he knows how to show compassion and warmth"
Anyway. I've had it this time. I'm just making sure I'm not overreacting.
thank you or your help.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You're not over reacting.

    This guy sounds like he's a psychopath. Next time, do the yawn test. If he never yawns after you yawn, run.

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    • The yawn test *_* ? what's that ?

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    • @tarvoid , you got me curious , I know and its well documented that yawning is the most addictive thing we do that others repeat within seconds,
      What does it mean if he doesn't yawn? I haven't read anything on that part of it

    • Ok, I just read your response to the same question

Most Helpful Girl

  • I would say it sounds completely like he is a really awful sympathizer. Half the people I've met were like that. I would say he is so upset to know you're crying that he panicked and is trying to cheer you up by trying to make you deny the fact. I know from experience that most guys use denial, or at the other extreme, excessive optimism to heal their wounds. And I know it upsets them terribly to see their girl cry. Technically, you could be dying but if you're not crying, they just won't take it as seriously.
    But I also know that a lot of guys and maybe more girls than you think don't really know HOW to sympathize.
    Also keep in mind that texting him about crying is not the same as crying in his face. It makes a BIG difference. HUGE. The emotion doesn't really transfer over text. As humans, our emotion receptors aren't designed to receive and response to texts. Next time try calling him so he hears your actual voice. Or even better, run over to his place crying, or ask him to come over to your place, so he can see you. Then judge his reaction.
    Also texting sends the subliminal message that you're not feeling too bad and your issue is not that big of deal, otherwise you wouldn't be texting, but would probably doing something more serious. Imagine if god forbid, something bad happened to your best friend. Would you text your other best friends to tell them about it, or would you naturally pick up the phone and call them, or try to get to see them in person as soon as possible?

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    • By the way, his emotional capacity and his sympathizing capability are two different things. Be careful which one you are testing so you don't confuse them with each other.
      Sympathizing is actually the act of expressing your emotional pain caused by witnessing other peoples' hurts.
      As you probably know by now, most guys (and plenty of women) experience more emotions (emotional capacity) than they would like to express (sympathizing capability).
      So, experiment with him a little bit more and don't judge too soon. At most you can always break up with him later if things keep failing.

    • Regardless, I do understand that you are in pain over the loss of your pet, and that you are hurt and angry with him because you didn't get the sympathy you expected from him.
      I'm sorry.

    • Thank you for this explicit answer.
      this wasn't the first time he didn't show any sympathy. This is one of many. . I didn't tell him I was crying. but I was when I was texting him. I have people I barely knew and they had mre Empathy than he'll ever have in a life time. whether it's capacity or ability I think he has none. and I can't... handle THIS.

      Thank you

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 19

  • That is a huge epic failure on his part. Total douche. I would break up, that would be the last straw. So new in a relationship people usually over try to make you happy and this guy just threw all that away by his stupid insensitive comments. Like you said, he is totally just thinking about him self and is totally self centred with no regard to you or what is important to you. Don't waste anymore time with him. I am sorry about your rabbit!

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    • thank you :') he's in a better place, I hope.

  • Personally , a guy or a girl like that , its instant BYE BYE, I'm not fond of acquaintances even less family and friends that don't understand relationship between humans and their pets. When they come to my office , I don't hate them, I just don't like them. I'm glad I don't have such friends

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    • I know... he's still asking me what's wrong and why won't I respond to his stupid lovesick self-centered texts...

  • "Because he's persistent" is not a good reason to go out with someone more than once. Anyway he's pretty insensitive. There are a lot of guys in the world. You can live without this one.

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    • I sure can !
      thank you !

  • Well, no consideration for pets would be a red flag.

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    • that I didn't know till now :(

  • "Rabbit stew" RAWR!! What a douche. An animal is never just "an animal" there living creatures we grow to bond with and have as pets that become like family. And in this case yours was special to you an he totally undermined that fact with his comments and actions. Deal breaker? Well if you don't mind sadness hitting and having someone more concerned about themselves in your corner then maybe not.

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  • im sorry you lost your pet, i love rabbits and i was sad when mine died. hug*

    he sounds like the kind of guy that is NOT for you, (or many other people or most lol)

    you are not overreacting

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    • thank you very much

    • you are very welcome, any time you need someone to actually talk to, there are guys like me

  • You don't care about him (by your own admission). Why should he care about you? Quid pro quo.

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    • who said I didn't care?
      If it's not sympathy it's empathy ! I would have shown it even if I didn't care. that's the least any human can do in a similar situation!

  • Dump time and get a better one

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  • You're not over-reacting. The rabbit thing would be bad in isolation, but coupled with his general douche-baggery it has the flavour of a deal breaker.

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  • ... You're in a relationship with a guy like that... Girly you have so much to learn and with a blinded insight like that you shouldn't even be dating he sounds like an asshole with no care for you use your genitals more wisely...

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    • genitals? :v has nothing to do with genitals and we didn''t have sex yet :v
      but thank you for your advice xD

  • Yes very much so. No sympathy=no love

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    • sounds about right.
      Thank you !

  • It's an animal, and a family member, so it hurts when a pet dies.
    Dude should've known that.

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  • I don't think he meant the comment about rabbit stew to be mean... yes, it was a poor decision on his part to say something like that, but I think he was truly just trying to make you feel better.

    It was likely one of those situations where he put his mouth in gear (or his fingers in this case) before thinking about the consequences of what he was saying.

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  • personally i woulda made the stew comment but apologized right after :P

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  • People without any kind of empathy are just the worst kinds of people

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  • I love animals but that rabbit stew was friggin funny ha ha. The timing, the joke, everything was so wrong it's so funny.

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    • yes ! it was. and I don't think it's funny. It's my pet rabbit for god sake :(
      game more support that that guy ever did -_-

  • Yeah, he give you some answers...
    But are you going to end the relation?

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    • Yeah, he give you some sad answers...
      But are you going to end the relation?
      Yes, compassion is needed, but sometimes people say things that they really dont mean too...

    • This is one of many things... I've looked the other way multiple times... but I'm very angry this time.
      People should think before they speak...

  • Wow there's a lack of sympathy and then there's being a dick... you should talk to him about it seriously and see if he's willing to work on being more sympathetic and less selfish or apathetic.

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  • I know how you feel, I love my dog more than anyone, If "just an animal" is what they truly think, I wouldn't be with them.

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    • I thought so too. he wasn't considerate towards me. I was fine with it. we're still getting to know each other... but this... he simply doesn't reallize that the bond I have with SnowBall is way stringer and deeper than the one we have. that is if we have one in the first place...

What Girls Said 20

  • Well your first mistake was dating someone you really weren't into, these are the guys you run into when you give in knowing you're really not into him. However, what he said to you was straight up rude. I think you're right in assuming he thinks the world revolves around him and lacks empathy. I would break it off immediately. He seems like a shit head.

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  • I'm sorry to hear that your rabbit died. I know what it's like to lose a pet that you care about. It's very tough.

    I think that your boyfriend was trying to cheer you up and made a joke that was in terrible taste. I wouldn't break up with someone over just that.

    However, it sounds like your relationship isn't a happy one (you don't like him and you find him selfish) so why would you bother staying in it?

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    • He's dense and he doesn't read the atmosphere. He is Selfish. I don't like selfish people...
      I can see where this is going.
      I think we need a talk.

    • Next him! Good luck!

    • thank you !

  • Sounds to me like you guys are not meant to be. You don't love him and you didn't like his comments. Sounds like you gave it a shot and found out he wasn't for you. I would break it off and find a guy who has more sympathy.

    I don't think you are overreacting. I think his comments were insensitive. But it's possible he was trying to make you feel better (even though he did it in a bad way).

    The comments to me could come across as a poorly chosen joke.

    But it definitely sounds like you need a guy who can be more sympathetic.

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  • That and even if he didn't care about animals choosing the day it died to make a joke just tells you how insensitive and apathetic he is. Apathy is a dangerous trait. There is not caring about animals, and enjoying the suffering of them. Even if he was really just trying to cheer you up, you getting upset is cleary sign that he fucked up.

    Honestly? Even if he wasn't egotistical and self centered, pet people just shouldn't date people who don't like them.

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  • Well, that was insensitive. Yes, that is a complete deal breaker for me. A life is a life, humans are just another species on this planet, completely equal to all other animals. People who believe that humans value more are not only insensive but stupid aswell. I have a cat and he is a living creature with needs and feelings and if someone tells me "it is just an animal" they are someone I don't want to interact with.

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    • same here... that's what I thought. It's like he has no repect for life in all it's forms...

  • I'm sorry but the NO FUCKER was hilarious.!! 😂 But in all honesty I don't think your overreacting. Especially after you told him it was not ok and he still said it's just an animal and then... what about me? You love me... yea see ya later fuck face!! I'd leave his ass too. What he said is beyond annoying and it sounds like he is very full of himself. I think you need to put this fucker in his place and leave his dumbass.

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    • I just finished the third part of Fifty Shades of Grey. the Freed part. It got stuck in my head xD
      Thank you xDDDD

  • That would be a red-flag for me immediately. It could have been a joke but since you were obviously upset and he didn't respect that, I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. Empathy is a big part of relationships for me, if they don't have that then I can't be with them.

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    • yeah... I was very hurt :\ he didn't stop ! he kept on going... it was horrible ! I had to shut him up !

    • There's no way I think you should put up with that. He sounds just like the kind of guy who could end up hurting you or someone else and not feel anything afterwards, that's dangerous.

  • I am so sorry to hear about your rabbit. It's very sad to loose a pet especially when a strong bond was shared. In my opinion I think you shouldn't contact him ever again. The way you described him is literally like a guy I used to talk to, self centered, big ego, thought he was wayyy better looking than he actually was. He always complained about everything and it was like he literally liked to spread negativity. He also grew very irritable after a while and he never evelauated anything he said, always turning things on to me. You clearly don't feel deeply in love with him so there's no need to take it any further and hurt yourself over him.

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    • thank you very much... I have to agree with what you said.

  • Jeez, either the guy has never owned a pet, had a traumatic experiment or he's a total dick and kept burying a hole by defending himself and trying to draw the attention to him. He's probably one of those guys who would get jealous and mad when you talk too friendly with another guy. To me this is a deal breaker, he should have apologized and taken your reaction more serious.

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  • He was trying to make a joke because that's his way of dealing with grief. Weird I know and not ok. But maybe he's just trying to lighten the mood and make you smile? Badly I know, but still

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    • yeah... that's a Huge Still.

    • I know. It was really inconsiderate and inappropriate

  • You didn't like him to begin with. Stop wasting his time and yours and break up.

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  • No animals are way better than people And he sounds like an ass

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    • aren't they? :) they're way more comforting and just great to be around.
      sometimes I enjoy their company more than Humans :)

  • Nah, he's a jerk.

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  • Yes. Run as fast as you can if there is no sympathy/empathy.

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  • I must lack some sympathy as I think that is funny. However, if my dog died and some-one made a joke I would react badly too.
    He's trying to lighten the mood, I'm sure when he sees you next he would want to make you feel better.

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    • *sigh*
      I'm still very angry... even thought he apologized. it wasn't sincere , because it's not like him to be that way.
      I asked him if he thinks he needs to change. he said no. I like myself the way I'm. like he's perfect or something.

    • So sensitivity is what he lacks. I don't know how long you guys been together, is he always like this? Have he experience loss himself? How old is he? He sounds immature lol

  • that is a deal breaker for me

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    • I can't help but to agree now...
      thank you

  • The only NO I could imagine is when the other party has been run down by too much drama coming from you or else is performing "tough love" to help you over a hurtle.
    I'm NOT reading any of that thus far in your story of sorrow.

    I judge this event as beyond a lack of sympathy, even empathy but rather a bigger issue/fault that may foil dating further someone immature, sophomoric and certainly NO talent for comedy (if designed to pull you out of these muddy emotions).

    I agree he is self involved/centered and maybe even entitled? (you judge).

    IF you continue to date such a guy, I'm sure there a core deep inside him that drives such odd behavior... the "tells" suggest to me that his emotions have been abused in this & other ways... this is his world as he's come to know it... maybe you really don't want to share life with someone so bent a view of it.

    Mars/Venus - guys/gals theory... at least he didn't try to fix the problem in lieu of compassion

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  • "I don't love him. I'm not crazy about him. he's okay. I went out with him because he was very persistent and good looking. he seemed like a nice guy."

    buy yet, you needed the pet rabbit episode to finally decide it's his fault if this 'relationship' cannot work, because the supposed 'lack of sympathy' is just on his side, it's towards you and your pet rabbit.. what if he actually showed consideration for your loss? you would have kept going out with this guy you don't really care about, only because he's been nice to you one more time?
    I do believe you strongly crave for attention, but don't make the mistake of treating guys (or other people in your life) like constant, one way givers - or, well, pets indeed.

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    • crave attention? really? he asked ! I responded I wasn't going to tell him. he insisted yet he didn't show the awaited reaction. We're suppose to be going out , getting to know each other. He knew I liked animals. He knew this is somthing that I really care about. but you're making me look like a drama queen. At least I wanted to get to know him and I was always appropriate with him. I gave this a chance. He didn't live up to it.
      Thank you for your honest opinion.

  • that guy must be sick. and he doesn't even know when he makes someone mad which makes him more of a complete retard. dump him, it's disgusting to see those who are like that.

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  • A guy who shows no compassion is a dealbreaker for me

    He had no consideration for your feelings at all. Even if he had no sympathy for your rabbit dying he should have still showed compassion towards you. It would concern me very much if my boyfriend saw me upset and in despair , but never showed care and consideration

    Your boyfriend should be comforting you regardless if he cared or not about your rabbit dying. If he can see you in emotional pain and not offer you comfort, then he obviously doesn't care about you.

    You deserve a guy who will be there for you in times of need. Who will support you through any anything life throws at you.

    I hope you do end it, because there's lots of guys out there who will be there for you and share your pain... even if they don't feel it. Good luck 💜😊 xx

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    • Thank you. I was thinking the same thing over and over again...
      I'm going through a rough time and with SnowBall dying, it's been very hard but he brings nothing comforting to my door... it's frustrating. and I have to deal with his shit too...

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    • Thank you :'(
      If it's not sympathy , Empathy would do too !

    • Exactly! If he has suffered a loss in his past then he should be able to relate to how you feel, because he has felt the same way , therefore he should display empathy towards you. Even if he hasn't suffered a loss he should show sympathy towards you, by comforting you and acknowledging how you feel.

      Personally, i think it is quite disturbing for someone not to display empathy or sympathy , and i would be avoiding them at all costs 😃💜

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