I seriously need help?

I seriously don't know how to get through this life. My ex left 3 months ago we have children so I can't do the no contact rule because of the children. He really has put me through hell but despite everything I still love him dearly. He just told me he is in love with someone after I sent h a message pretty much pouring my heart out. I can't get over any of this and I am tired of acting so weak and desperate. I have no self esteem and suffer from anxiety. I really don't know how to cope and know that I really do deserve much better. I know my behaviour isn't normal and I just do not know how to get over him and get use to the idea that the girls will be spending time with them both. I seriously can't stand it. Please I just need non judgmental advice.

Updates:
I guess I made myself sound a bit unstable. I'm not in anyway shape or form a bad mother and my children are taking good care of and every one of their needs are being met. They are returning to school in September as well so that will give me a bit of a break too. I also am apart of a program called healthy baby, healthy children program which basically a public health nurse comes to my home and helps me with what I might need or help to seek out what my next step should be. I also have a ton
Of support from family and friends which also includes his own family who stand by me 100%. I am just tired of being manipulated by my ex and allowing him to use my weakness againest me. I need to learn how not to cave in to him and stand up for myself. My anxiety happens when I sense something isn't right but it's more like my intuation going into overdrive.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I highly doubt he suddenly got morals and is an honorable man.

    He's still probably a jerk who gets women pregnant then leaves them, and never even considers doing the right thing, which is pledging his life to you in marriage, never to leave or stray from you.

    Basically, it's going to happen again. This new woman he is "in love" with is going to get sick of his BS and dump him like a bad habit. When that happens, if you have played your cards right, he will come crawling back to you.

    Now, this is the hard part. When he does, you must be the most gentle, submissive, kind, wonderful woman you can possibly be- even if he spits in your face.

    Why? Because the masculine desire the feminine. If you truly love this man and want to keep him, simply be who God created you to be: An affectionate, kind hearted, supportive, loving, FORGIVING woman who truly loves her man with the deepest of affections.

    No man can resist this. Not even a jerk who gets a woman pregnant then leaves her. Soon his face will be red with embarrassment over how he could leave such a faithful, devoted, TRULY loving woman.

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    • I am not saying to put on an act. If you truly love him, these behaviors will be connected with your heart, you will want to do them. You will not stop being affectionate, kind, loving, and devoted once he's back in your home I hope marriage is in your futures...). Basically you must be better than him. It's not an act. It is genuine. I believe all women are capable of this form of feminine forgiveness and beauty.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I have great news for you. You will get over it before you know it. My sister got dumped by her husband of 12 year for a young co-worker of his. They have two girls and a 6 month old baby. She helped him pay for his career as an engineer and as soon as he got his $95,000 a year contract with the helped of our father, he dumped my sis and moved in with his new girl.

    My sister loved him soo much, but even after we tried to help her nothing really worked. We learn that in a situation like one, the only one that can pull through is her. She did and we were there to help her in anyway possible. You look beautiful and you need to go out with someone that will make you smile. No falling in love, just fun and lots of sex lol. It worked for my sister, it worked for my causin and my friends sister. It will work for you. Focus on your kids and be happy that they are healthy and that you will get over him.

    I hope you move on and just know that when the time is right, your hearth will let go of him. Now do not expect for it to be nothing left, because you will always have him in a special place in you. But I promise you that you will be fine. Just let time heal you and have fun with your kids. Is my email if you need more help. Kathylogan85@yahoo. com

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    • Ya our youngest will be 6months on the 25th of this month she was 11 weeks when he left. I am focusing on my children, I am very close to serving him court papers for custody and child support so I'm focusing on that too. I have been able to keep things very civil with him despite everything he has done to me. I'm very lucky I have huge support from family and friends including his family who stand by me 100%. They want him to hit rock bottom which would probably benefit him to be honest. A professional said they believe he has adult ADHD which would explain his whole adult life and the distruction he leaves behind every time he does something like this.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 23

  • Your behavior is actually pretty normal. And how you feel is also very standard (not that it helps to hear that). The truth is, people need to always be working towards a better situation. He isn't for you, clearly breaking up was what needed to happen. But that doesn't make you wrong to still feel those feelings of deep love while at the same time of knowing that the situation and relationship is all wrong. You need to surround yourself with positive people who love you and compliment you often. A bright environment is also really good. Take long walks and talk to yourself in how you can feel better, no one know better than yourself. Go to the gym or work out at home. There are lots of options of feeling better. Eventually you'll find someone who will match with you and make you feel amazing. Don't depend on others to make you happy, you need to do that yourself. But make sure you are with happy people. Depression and anxiety are difficult, but not impossible, things to deal with. I'm cheering for you

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  • This happens in many cases but you gotta know the kids you two have together are both of your world but you need to really think of the kids and their needs as far as him he is in love with someone new so this is going to be hard for you to accept my best advice is to worry about the kids and their well being and put your romance on the side to you take time to heal emotionally and etc.

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  • I can very much relate to your situation, and while my wife hasn't left me for good, she has still left me (family illness) and this has put us in a financial bind, and I am left with my stepson (for which I'm grateful) as I actually have a pretty good relationship with him. In the end I too am struggling with bills and missing my wife who I also love dearly. Not unlike you I feel completely at a loss and somewhat lost as well. The best advice I can give you is to network, so if you have any friends you can reach out to, I would recommend it, if for not other reason than to talk to them. I know that this seems rather simplistic, but it is rather important to know that 1. you are not alone and that you have people that care about you. 2. that while it can take some time you can get back on your feet, sometimes in the talking to your friends they will know of opportunities you might be able to take advantage of and can help you emotionally as well. This will help your heart heal. To be sure it might take some time, but this will start that process. In the healing process you might find it easier to regain your footing again, once you are feeling a little more stable it will make dealing with the ex and his SO a little easier. Will it ever completely go away?, no but like many things even that scar will fade with some time. At any rate I hope this helps at least a little. I would be keen to follow my own advice, unfortunately I have no friends to network with, which is why I recommend it so strongly (I see the value) and how it is affecting me in not being able to use this resource.

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    • Thank you for your answer, I am very blessed to have a good support system. Including his family who stand behind me 100%. I really hope things get better for you and I'm sorry your going through this too.

    • So your wife didn't leave you but what illness did she leave you with?

    • That is good to know, and for sake of clarity, my wife had to leave due to someone else in the family being sick (in-laws) and they needed help taking care of that sick person. I'm sure things will improve, but there are times it's hard to see the light of day at the bottom of a barrel. ;-)

  • First let me say that I am sorry this has happened to you and your children. Few things in life; other than death can be more devastating than the breakup of a marriage. With children it becomes even more complicated.

    Why your ex did this to you and your children is unclear, but not inexcusable.

    You need now to focus on some of the legal issues if indeed this marriage will be dissolved. You need to assure that you get custody of the children and have power of attorney for all matters (health, inheritance, insurance, beneficiaries, etc.) so that YOU make all the decisions regarding their welfare. Take the high ground and avoid making angry emotional accusations which might question your level of 'fitness' as a mother.

    Even though you would clearly be granted prime custody of the kids, there are lawyers who will dig into your past to give your 'ex' some leverage in the custody battle. (Don't underestimate the crocodile lawyers out there! They make a living tarnishing people's reputations.)

    Finally you are blessed to have such a wealth of support from your family AND his family. This alone speaks volumes for your character!

    At 30 you are still a young woman with a broken heart. I really feel for you. Such things shouldn't happen, but they do. For now let your friends and family help you along. In time you will survive and transcend this low point in your life. Do your best for your beautiful children because THEY will see who really loves them. God be with you always.

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  • Alright first step you are not fit to be a parent... not because I think that you have mental anxiety but I am thinking on the part of the kids. So I would say put them into foster care and then retrieve them when YOU are ready. The main thing is to make sure you can function as an adult before you have kids so first steps first is to give them to someone else to take care of. Next would be therapy... it may take a couple of months but you will get back on your feet. Use the help of friends/family or even therapy to do so... next while doing this is to hit the gym... you can work on yourself there... One thing to remember is that he is never going to come back... I know it may be hard but it is impossible. In the future he may come and find you again and see that you are doing better and if he comes back into your life you will end up exactly where you are now so... to begin with start by securing a good future for your kids. To help with the thoughts you may be having right now listen to this
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOp-LmapC2s&index=16&list=PLnzLMyQ5AzD78rRVDhfD4u6zG8SmYt5Qy
    It will help... just PM me or anyone on here if you need anything else helped with.

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  • It sounds as if the problem is not your ex-husband but you. There will always be bad people who will try to take advantage of situations; it is your responsibility to take care of yourself. If you are not doing that, you are failing yourself. You should consider getting into counseling toi deal with your low self-esteem.

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  • Any one going through what you are going through will feel overwhelmed. I think it is time for professional help. Seek out a doctor who can then assist you in finding a mental health professional to help you through this difficult time in your life. It will pass... with help it will pass quicker and you will heal more completely. Seeking help is a sign of strength not weakness.

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  • Hi,

    My parents divorced when I was seven and my mum went through what you're going through. I don't know / can't know what you're feeling but it must hurt like hell and dominate your thinking and your emotions daily. Whatever anyone else says what you feel is normal because its what you feel

    In terms of advice...
    *For you*
    Try to get some head space for yourself. If you can organise for your ex to pick kids up after school so you don't have to do the drop-off to his house. Try to get together with some girlfriends (not friends in common) and go out on the town - if it helps slag him off, or, smash some hated wedding gift (no loss anyway right?)

    Try and get out do some activity you've always wanted to do and meet some new people (non-romantic), just people who don't know you and aren't friends in common with your ex

    Some of what you are saying sounds like you would benefit from some counselling or other support (don't be afraid to take anti-depressants / anti-anxiety medications to get you through). I wish my mum had done this, but you have to decide if its something you want to do.

    For a different reason I've had times when I felt like I couldn't get through a day or a week. Having the appropriate medical support up-front meant that I could

    *For your kids and your relationship with them*
    Don't badmouth your ex to your kids, it will tear them in two because they will believe you / love you and not want to at the same time. Try (for them) to make the spending at his place just a normal part of their lives (as emotional as getting ready for school - or even less so)

    You are going to be more emotional than you have ever been (some days) and feel completely flat other days. Try to shield your kids from your more emotional / lost moments

    Hope this helps
    Breathe

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  • I think its perfectly normal. Time will help. Just keep busy, interact with friends and try to keep it together until time heals it.

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  • You have 2 daughters so that's more than enough for you to be strong for them. No matter the disappointment or the love you feel for him it's not gonna kill you. Millions of people go through that every day, you just have to accept what happened and move on, yes it sucks and it hurts by time cures everything. Besides, he has put you through hell, so don't you think you deserve better..

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  • Well you just need to ride it out its only been 3 months you'll get over it with time and hopefully find someone better

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  • You still can do NC with the child:

    If you and your ex have a child together, then you obviously can’t avoid meeting them for a long time. But you can still maintain no contact in this situation provided you follow a few rules.

    1. You are not allowed to talk to your ex on any topic other than your child.

    2. Whenever you see them; be amicable and treat them like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.

    3. Never talk about your personal feelings or anything that is going in your life. Doing so is breaking the no contact rule.

    4. Never badmouth your ex to your child. That’s just bad parenting.

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  • Get some counseling. Maybe you could talk to your pastor, although I think a good professional counselor would help. Were you married? Have you seen a lawyer? If you can't afford one, check out legal aid.

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    • We were common law, actually I do have a lawyer and very close to serve him papers for custody and child support. I'm on the right path just emotionally it's a struggle. The hardest thing is not falling for his manipative ways.

  • I am so sorry, You do deserve better. and its good to think of the well being of the kids as well. You may want to see a counselor or doctor as well, they will help you

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  • separate from him, but be careful with the whole kids he can kill you if he wants, but that depends on him, ever guy is different

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  • Have you gotten therapy yet? Because it sounds like you're long overdue.

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  • I recommend a counselor.

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  • Move on girl.

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  • I agree with the person who said counselor. And probably wouldn't hurt to get laid. Remind yourself that other people exist, because they do... approx 7Billion of them, which gives you at LEAST 1Billion options.

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  • Your happiness lies in you and not another man. Get your shit straight for your kids. They can feel anxiety.

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  • U have your baby's just focus on them and try and keep them safe and happy your there mom and need to do good for them and in time u will get over this and meet a new guy

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  • I know I'm young and people may say not to listen to what I have to say but I'm going to say it anyway I've seen a lot people go through this I think it is in your best interest to seek help I also think your not in the right mind set to take care of your kids at the moment now I wouldn't suggest puting them in foster care as one has said because it will put stress on theme and more on you being some unfamiliar person has care of th em I do sugest a relitive mabey parent or sibling some one who you trust to take care of them I can tell you there are guys out there who would love to meet you and truly love you and your daughters right now I'm in a situation with a girl who had an abusive father and ended her only relationship when it started to get abusive she is scared to death we take it day by day sometimes it feels like we're going backwards this has been going on for 4 months and every one tells me I'm wasting my time but I don't see I that way even though it's stressful at time and nothing my never come out of it there's just something about her that makes me happy and I'm not going to walk away from her love sees past the hurt and issues of a person I wish you the best

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What Girls Said 20

  • I went through something similar. I wrote a long letter stating that I really wanted to work things out, I loved him, I wanted us to be there together as parents. He responded by telling me it was too late, because he was committed to the woman he cheated me with. After that, I realized that it was a waste of my time to try and work things out with someone who could be so utterly hurtful.

    Your behavior is normal in this situation. Assuming you were together for quite a while, you've had the rug pulled out from underneath you and on top of that, it's not like you can just wallow when you have kids to take care of. Trust me, this is partly a good thing. Being forced to function help get you through by distracting you a little form the storm in your head for a short time. But hon, it's only been 3 months! I asked how long it would take, and everyone said a year. That proved true. You have to find your own routine again, process what you've been through and begin to form a new type of relationship with your ex as co-parents.

    I know it feels gross now. I look back and cringe at how I acted back then. The crying to my mom, asking him to come back, and generally behaving the way I swore I never would, LOL. You can't predict these things. The only thing is to acknowledge that it's going to take TIME. Allow yourself that. If you can, do something nice for yourself. I treated myself to some high-end makeup. Seems silly, and don't go crazy with it, but a little "me time" or a treat can help.
    Best of luck, and I hope that you will begin to heal when you're ready.

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    • Ya we were together for 7 years. Thanks for your answer it helps.

  • This isn't easy.

    You're going to have to give yourself time.

    You're wrapped up in this situation, no matter how much you don't want to be because you and him will always have ties together.

    Your heart will heal.

    You just have to allow yourself to go through all of these negative emotions.
    Trust me, that will pass.

    Sometimes have to be your weakest before you ever find the strength you truly had.
    All of these will make you more capable of handling obstacles in your life.
    You will get through this.
    You will get past this.
    Just have faith and continue to let time pass by.
    <3

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  • Hey there, so sorry to hear what you're going though. Heartbreak is the worst and not only that but he's your children's father so you have that unbreakable bond with him which means that you'll probably always care for him. You're stuck because he keeps you stuck. He knows you love him and have always taken him back so you need to break that cycle and he will open his eyes. I also have two little girls and I have been on and off with my baby's dad for 5 years, and tbh I'm always going to love him deep down but realistically if he found someone new I'd feel like shit but I wouldn't be mad at him. I'd "set him free" and be glad I get to have my precious little princesses all the time. So appreciate them and cherish them, they really need you right now so do yourself a favor and let it all out, just cry. That's part of the healing process just cry into your pillow and release that pain, scream in your pillow, exercise I don't know but do SOMETHING. You'll feel way better after. Treat yourself good take extra care of yourself, psh for all that bullshit you deserve it! It will be okay, trust and believe that. He needs you more than you need him. About the new girl, if it's a new relationship tell him you have to see them stay together for some time longer to know that it's serious enough for her to know your daughters and if he wants to see them meet him at a park or something and do it that way. You don't have to speak if you're not comfortable but do it for the kids. You have every right to do this, if he really wants to see them he'll show up. If you don't want to or can't see him see if a relative will take the kids for the meet up, It is NOT necessary for the new chick to meet your kids at this point. Take it one step at a time, it gets a little better every day. Don't let anyone make you feel bad you're a woman and a mother and you're doing what is best for YOU and YOUR KIDS. that's your only responsibility. Wish you the best. Good luck and PM me anytime you want. ❤

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  • Wow, my heart goes out to you. Your definitely in a tough spot. These things are never easy. I'm curious how long you two were together? But my advice to you is to simply be happy without him. I know it's hard but you need to try. Maybe he wants u to chase him... DON'T! ! But above anything else he is a loser for telling you he's in love with someone else. Why not get youself a new man? That's exactly what I would do. The new guy can be your shoulder to cry on. If you were a good girlfriend or if u think you were, he will miss you one day. New relationships get old and boring too, they just take time. Things always work out in the end. U will eventually be happy and accept that he is an asshole and you should be happy that he is no longer your problem and now the new woman has to deal with a loser. And by that I meen what he done to you, he will do to her. Karma's a bitch. When he comes crawling back to you, you will already be happy without him and that will drive him crazy. by the way, good men can't be stolen, by anyone!! Remember that.

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    • Thanks for your advice, I know that things with this new girl won't last because it is true his history of relationships pretty much speaks for itself. We were on and off for 7 years. We have been down this road two other times. Each time he dated someone else and it wouldn't work out and he would come back to me. That's why I need to be strong and not take him back again.

    • It's very hard to not take someone back. I know because I was in the same boat. This is especially difficult because there are children involved. But you really need to think of the children and in all honesty they don't need a part time father. One that only wants to be there, sometimes. Since he has came back to you already a couple times he knows he can have u anytime he wants. Stop this behavior. You need to have higher standards for youself. Your better then that and your not an option, but a choice and if he doesn't want you ALL the time. Don't let him have you part of the time.

    • Change is definitely scary. We seem to fall in a routine. A comfortable place and even tho we are not happy life is comfortable which is why we stay in bad situations. Get out now while your young enough to still enjoy your best years with someone who appreciates you everyday. Do you really wanna be 70 years old and look back on your life thinking... what the hell was I thinking? I wasted the best years of my life upset and worrying over someone who doesn't deserve it!! Or wasted the best years of my life staying with an asshole who treats me like garbage? I think the answer is obvious :)

  • smh this made me cry so much. im really sorry for u and i know what ur going tru cause i've been tru it before. i wish for this to happen to no one not even my enemy. its a terrible feeling. i hope ur life will be better soon, pray pray pray <3

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  • Some days it may be hard to sleep, u find ur self thinking of him before bed, during sleep and when u wake up and think it will never end. But let it be known. . ur mind needs time like everything in the world does to refresh and re grow. One day u will wake up and not have thought about it and it will get better from there.

    Be positive and around positive people.
    Getting a tann and teeth whitening or dying ur hair always helps freshen up a person inside out... and when u look in the mirror ull be more happy to.

    Do your self the favor and not dwell on the new girl... don't ask ur kids a million things about her or anything and block them both on social media's that way u never look at their stuff or obsess over it.

    I found reading these two books helped me
    " Act like a lady think like a man" by Steve Harvey
    And
    The Secret "The power by Ronda ByrNE

    Also...
    A plant that isn't water welts and looks like it's dying but once u water it again, it springs back to life.
    Just a little a though to think about.

    Once u find light ull spring back too!!! :)

    Also girl don't you forget it... God puts us through what he will take us threw and it could always be worst.

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  • What I usually say to myself everytime I experience sometime traumatic is that I say "A year from now, it will not matter". It hurts like hell because you are in the heat of the moment but it will get easier as time goes by. What I usually do is try and fill up my days as much as possible with activities. I suggest going on Meetup. com and do activiities there. Not only will you make new friends, but you might find someone to love.

    You are only 30. A baby. You have so much time.

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  • Going through something like that is not easy. The best way to move forward is to take it one day at a time. You have to make a decison whether to let the situation destroy you or let it make u better. It is a choice only you can make. I believe you have the strength deep inside. Tap into that. Believe in your worth. I wish you well and happiness.

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  • You need to find someone else.. this might sound harsh but, he got over you and is moving on. Why would you even want to hang on to a person who doesn't care about you? Stand up for yourself, my dear. If you need help personally, I'm here but you need to accept that this chapter of your life is overand you need to start with a fresh one.

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  • I'd seek professional help if I were you... there's no shame in that and it can put a whole new perspective on your life.

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  • Find Christina Caeliss. She helped me a LOT. She can help you too :)

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  • Better get some help, go to councelor.

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  • Get rid of him.
    As a child of parents in a toxic relationship, and then one of them taking there life I always wondered why my dad stood for my moms bs neglect and cheating. It wasn't helping me watching them fall a part.

    I just hate when i see people stick with a lousy spouse. He did you terribly, instead of silently hurting toss him and care for yourself and girls. I'll be damned if my husband if i ever have one sayd he felel inlove with someone else.
    Marriage is a contract and if he wants to break it let him. You go date and have fun. My view is from a extreme circumstance, but i think everyone deserves to be cared for or just not MISTREATED.

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  • You said it yourself he put you trough hell what you have for him is not love it's just the fact that you feel lonely whitout anyone by your side you deserve someone who will treat you well forget him concentrate about your children and being a good mom to them children are the best gift god gave you and you should protect them i know that you will find someone good

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  • He is an asshole and you need to get over him.

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  • I think you should get some professional help from a psychologist. Being desperate and depressed won't help your children. They'll lose respect... Get it together!

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  • There's only one solution.. Sue durex for having shit condoms.

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  • you should seek counseling.

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  • go see an specialist go out and meet people and if you dont want to spend time with him tel hin to pock them up and then dop them of at your house.

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  • Make sure she's a nice woman and will be good to your kids. Make sure to question then after they spend time with her. I think you should see a therapist. Speaking with someone everyday about your issues helps. You need to just let everything out.

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