He broke up with me so he can see other people. How can I not take it personally?

Even though he keeps saying that it's not me, that I'm perfect and so on, I know it's basically a lie for "You're fine but I wanna see what's else out there, maybe there's someone better". When I did nothing but treated him like a king and loved him with all my heart for 3 years. I can't possibly think of a anything that I did wrong (he also keeps saying that I did nothing wrong). And I'm not bad looking either. Who the hell he thinks he is, a God? My self-esteem is ruined.


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What Guys Said 2

  • It can be quite possible that you did nothing wrong, and that he finds you good looking, and yet he still doesn't want to be in an exclusive relationship with you. The chemicals that form initial bonds, those part of the NRE (new relationship energy) rush, generally stop sustaining a relationship after a while. That while will vary a lot between different people in different situations - sometimes 6 months, sometimes 2 years. Sometimes less, sometimes more, but usually in that 6 mo - 2 year ballpark. When those chemicals wear off, a guy can go from thinking his partner is the best thing in the world who he wants to be with forever and ever to just somebody that makes a good friend. And that sounds like what has happened here.

    The NRE chemicals exist to bring people together artificially, to then allow slow growing, but deeper bonding chemicals to grow in the background. The 'mature love' chemicals vs the 'puppy love' or 'honeymoon phase' chemicals that exist in the first few years. Sometimes, a lot of times, actually, those long term chemicals don't actually take hold, so when the NRE wears off, there is nothing to sustain the relationship.

    It's not personal in the sense that you didn't do anything wrong for this to happen, but if he wants to see other people it is clear that the long term bonding didn't happen on his end. While I know it will feel like a personal rejection, it really isn't. It's simply a case of biochemical processes in one person not matching the biochemical processes in another. Your brain went one way, his went the other. It happens without any real conscious control.

    While it is far easier for me to say 'you have to move on' than it is for you to actually do that, it really is all you can do. If your brain has built those long term connections, than it is going to feel like drug withdrawal to consider losing him, because in a biochemical sense that's exactly what it is. And that will cause emotional pain, and very real physical pain. But it has to happen, and dragging it out just makes it worse. Curse his brain chemicals if you want, but don't let it reflect your self-esteem, as you didn't have to do anything wrong for this to happen. It just happens to people. And it sucks.

  • Oh come on, cut the bullshit, you don't blame yourself you blame him, and this whole broken self-esteem act is just a way of getting back at him, at manipulating him into feeling guilty for being polyamorous. Which is probably why he broke up with you


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