Should I get a divorce or give him another chance?

I have been married to my husband for 7 years, we have been together for 9 years. We have a hard relationship abusive and trust issues. I gave him chance after chance to man up and take care of me and our 2 kids and he never did it. But the only reason i didn't give up on him was because i know the great guy that he can be. But after so long of him not changing i had to break up with him 2 years ago. We still talk for our kids but he don't want the divorce. I care about him so much but he still hasn't changed. Should i give him another chance or just get the divorce.


0|0
911

Most Helpful Guy

  • This post raises some questions, because it seems very vague.

    What do you mean by "man up"? Support you financially?

    --Did he *want* the kids, or did you? "Mistakes" on your part are like entrapment, frankly.
    --What sort of abuse was there? Goading him until he snaps is its *own* form of abuse, frankly.
    --What sort of trust issues were there?

    1|0
    1|0
    • He wouldn't keep a job, he was physcially abusive and he always lied about where he was going who he was with and what he was actually doing.

    • Show All
    • @Suhmer Sorry, I have had a sadistic ex slap at me thinking she could always get away with it and I would not fire back at one point, and this was while I was driving on a busy interstate. It was way beyond mere verbal taunting...

    • well yeah but in that case you were the victim! i wouldn't say you were pushing her and pushing her until you made her slap you!! that would be wrong.
      please dont think im saying women = victim, male = abuser. im really not. anyone who is attacked by another person is a victim, and i dont think the person who was attacked ever deserves to be blamed for it

Most Helpful Girl

  • The divorce. As long as that title is holding you down you can never move on, if you've been separate for 2 years, free yourself from him. Obviously remain on good grounds for the kids, but he has to accept that it is NOT a marriage anymore, and keeping the title will not miraculously make it a marriage

    2|1
    0|0

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 10

  • If you have tried so much and nothing changed, I don't know if insisting will make him change anymore.

    2|1
    0|0
  • I don't think leopards change their spots, he'll always be an abusive loser.

    3|1
    0|0
  • Get counseling for the both of you and then decide.

    1|0
    0|0
  • He doesn't want divorce and i think you also don't want it, so make him clear that although you both don't want it that if he doesn't work to aprove you have no other choice

    1|0
    0|0
  • You should never be with someone for who they 'can be.' Only decide on someone by who they are. Yes sometimes people act differently than their character or personality which is why you have to be very discerning on who he really is. But that is the question. Who he can be is not for you to decide. Believe the story he tells you. It's his truth. When others show you who they are, believe them.

    2|1
    0|0
  • Is he a good father? If he is not a good husband and not a good father, why do you even think of giving him another chance? Find a real father for your kids. If he is a good father, yeah you might give him another chance. It didn't sound like he was though...

    0|0
    0|0
  • If you gave him chance after chance, it's obvious he isn't gonna change.

    Nobody will change unless they want to, and it's clear he doesn't.

    0|1
    0|0
  • The problem is also partly with you and how you view him. I can easily tell by your wording and language that you are just as abusive as he is.

    0|0
    1|0
  • Go to counseling then decide

    0|0
    0|0
  • he won't, he's tasted blood.

    0|0
    0|0

What Girls Said 8

  • This '7 years,' @MonkeyGirl08, is the 'Itch' that I talk about, when someone goes into a different change in their life and the SO ends up suffering because of it. You have suffered in silence Long enough.
    He will never Change, you are wise to see this. It was also 'Wise' to take the kids and just be apart in heart for them. This schmo of a Joe will Never change his stripes and colors and you could get old real quick just waiting and giving him more than one chance in romance.
    Talk to your own lawyer. Start the proceedings. He is deliberately Not into 'Divorce' because he wants his sweet cake and eat it two with having the Good life, but Yet... Leaving you as a side course, of course, and doesn't want to share his second helpings with someone else who You deserve your dessert better with.
    Good luck. xx

    0|0
    0|0
  • OMG what a shitty position to be in. I'm so sad for you and for your kids.

    If you do decide to get divorced, please do everything that you can to let the kids know that both parents love them and it has nothing to do with them. I know everyone says they will do this, but in reality it's not done very well.

    People that decide to get divorced usually end up letting it effect the kids more than it has to, which it will no matter what. BUT... you cannot stay in an abusive relationship. That's as terrible for them as it is for you. I hope he can change his behavior for you and for them, but if not, jus put them first as much as possible.

    Good luck.

    2|1
    0|0
  • How many more chances can you give a man after 9 years?

    If he wanted to change, it would have already happened.

    I don't think abusers deserve a second chance at anything. The second a hand is raised at you is when his shit should be flying through the door.

    And emotionally abusive? Fuck that shit. Why would you allow that to happen?

    You have 2 kids to worry about. You shouldn't have to baby a grown ass man who ought to know better.

    He had every opportunity to change and he never bothered to. You should have divorced him when you finally decided to break up.

    0|0
    0|0
  • If he's been trying to be a "great guy" for 7 years and he hasn't did it yet then he's probably never going to.

    It's not your place to fix someone else, you need to do what's best for you and your children and being in an abusive relationship in front of your children is never a good idea.

    Find a man who will respect you or be alone for awhile and fix yourself.

    0|1
    0|0
    • I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship before and I know how it effects you. Take some time to yourself, repair your life and your children's life, get some counselling and then worry about dating. It's better to wait for someone you truly love and to make good decisions when your head is clear and your pain is gone. If you keep going back to these type of men, you're always going to be miserable.

  • get the divorce you are in a loveless marriage and you can't lie to yourself and your kids any more. being in a loveless marriage will just confuse the kids and they will think that is how marriage is supposed to be.

    0|1
    0|0
  • if he doesn't want to divorce and you do it anyway... he might make things hard for you. to get through the divorcing you and your ex have to agree on some things eventually. so if he refuses to, he could ruin your finances.

    and you work and he won't? then he might get alimony... I'm not sure but I've heard stories on men getting that if they're the non working partner. I'm sorry my answer is totally negative, but I wanted to give you a heads up.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Waiting for a man to change. They will never change.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Depends if you still love him.

    0|0
    0|0
Loading...