I don't understand why my ex wants to cut me out of his life completely after breaking up?

So my boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for 3.5 years. we met working together and in total were able to live together for about 1 with work and extended visits. When we first started dating, I thought that I would never consider putting our relationship into long distance once our contracts were up but after only a short week together, I had never felt like had for someone before him before, a feeling that we both shared. We had stated that the only reason we thought that it was even worth the hassle was the fact that we had pictured spending our our lives together. For the first 2.5 years, I was the one that had more flexibility with my work situation and was able to visit him for extended periods. While his job couldn't permit that. So starting in 2009, I finally found my self in a work situation that left me without the freedom to visit with him, resulting in us having to wait for him to get time off. I had always felt concerned about me not being able to visit and he always was patient and said "good things come to those who wait" and that it would work out for us. Unfortunately this left us with only seeing each other 3 weeks this year. After his last visit, I felt that he was so in love with me, just by the attention that he gave me and the looks and the touches and when he went back home he kept constantly asking when I was coming to see him. I wasn't working but financially I couldn't go just yet. I finally made a decision of when I was going to go and I was going to stay for about a month but I ended up getting a short term job I discussed it with him and I didn't want to take the job because I wanted to see him more but he told me that he would rather have me getting some more experience and it wasn't going to be that long and we see each other again. I took the job but decided that after it was finished I was going directly to see him. We had our rough times. it became more stressful the longer the time was between us seeing each other. This usually left me feeling depressed and lonely, which caused me to start pressuring him about putting an end to our distance and moving forward. Instead of having the desired result of putting a plan in motion, I feel that I pushed him further way with the pressure. 2weeks before the end of my job and going to visit him, he calls me one night started the decision like normal then came at me with the "I don't see this working out". He said that he felt we didn't have a relationship because we missed out on each others lives and important events and that our relationship was more of an annoyance to him than an enjoyment. He said that he loved me but couldn't picture ever asking me to marry but had at one time.I thought the talk could have waited until the visit but he no longer wanted me there he felt that if we fixed it we would be back to the same spot in a few months and he saw no end to the distance. He said he felt he was always hurting and no longer wants to talk

So, as I said that break up was over the phone and of course I was crying because I knew we had to talk about our relationship but I wanted to have a face to face when I visited in two weeks.
He said he didn't want to talk to me anymore because it would be too hard for him to get over me. As I was crying he said Goodbye and that he was sorry and hung up the phone, pretty cowardly if you ask me.
I did visit, he cried the whole time I was there. Said he couldn't reconsider a relationship because the distance wouldn't end and I suggested that we make it end and he said he would never be comfortable with me moving for him.

Told me he will always care for me and love me, that our break up was no one's fault but can't talk to me because it would leave feelings open. Will he ever talk to me and if it is hard to get over me and still loves, why break up with me?


Most Helpful Girl

  • It is obvious you are not over him and you did not want this to end. But, he does. I think the final pressure for him to decide whether he wanted to take your relationship to the next level made him have to face reality and his reality was that he cannot go to the next level with you, so he ended it.

    That he wants to end all contact is pretty normal. When he says it will make it hard to get over you, it's because though the breakup was right for him, it still isn't easy. Mainly seeing you will bring him a lot of guilt. If I can see that you cannot accept the break-up, so can he, and any contact with you will only remind him how unhappy you are. Though he is not in love with you in a way that would allow him to stay with you and marry, I have no doubt he does not want to see you in pain.

    • That is a very good, well said answer. Gives me some better insight.

    • Thanks. I hope it does help though I recognize break-ups are hard and you have a grieving period to go through. If you really like my answer, maybe you would consider choosing it as a "best' answer. Good luck.

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What Guys Said 1

  • cutting someone out of your life after a breakup is sometimes the easiest way to get over them. even if you don't talk about "you guys" it can still be hard to speak to an ex, so usually sometimes the best way to get over someone is to cut them out of their life completely. I've told an ex before that its best for her not to contact me again until she is completely over me.


What Girls Said 1

  • dis is sad, I don't know what goes fru their heads. if they love us they shud giv all they can to make it work not just us. this lazyness they have nd the fot that thers plenty fish in the sea makes things worse...men can go on lovin a woman but nt having her with them but for us is a bit more complicated. we like to make sense they don't grr


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