Am I "strong"? Or weak?

My ex boyfriend & I only dated for 3.5 months (if that...). He was my first & I was (still am technically) a virgin. I explained it all to him before he even asked me to be his girlfriend... how I was inexperienced & preferred to wait. He "understood" saying he'd "wait until he had a ring on my finger." Obviously... that didn't happen.

A month into our relationship, he tried feeling me up. I kind of shyed away, even though it felt sorta good - whether that was nerves or not, I don't know. He also wanted/persuaded me to jack him off at least twice a day... granted we only saw each other on the wknds w/ work & such. Is that normal? Month & a half later, we had a party for his brother who had gotten engaged & bought a house... My ex got really crazy drunk & was mad bc I blueballed him. I was pretty toasted too & don't remember blue balling him. I do remember him carrying me into his bedroom, throwing me on his bed & quietly hissing in my ear "Stop fucking blueballing me. That hurts!" Then he got on top of me & tried having his way w/ me, which he was unsuccessful in doing. I told him to stop, but he didn't until he got fed up & before leaving told me to "stay in this fucking room." The next morning I was literally afraid of him & blamed myself.

Few months later, we saw the Divergent movie. If anyone's familiar w/ it, there's a certain scene that sparked my memory... that night I got a little buzzed & he was completely sober. I didn't touch or tease him; he just got on top of me again. I tried talking to him, but he just blamed me for being moody & bitchy & a tease.

Now... almost 1.5 years later, I still dream about it... still feel guilty. Am I really to blame? My mom says I'm strong & it was his fault. Yeah, I could have communicated a little better, but he could have too...

Thoughts?


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  • YOIRE a strong individual

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