How do I tell my wife I'm not emotionally or physically attracted to her and want a divorce?

I married a single mom in her early 20s I'm in my late 20s. I had to travel for work and talked to her about it and she said it was fine that she understood. I was gone for 4 months working over seas in oil fields and saved up money to buy us a house (or at least a large down payment). I would call her almost everyday tell her I loved her and missed her.
when I returned home a work colleague confessed they were having an affair and was sorry.
not going to go into details about what happened (I could write a book about my anger and how devastated I was).

after a few months we worked it out and I forgave her. Some females from work found out and have been (exceptionally nice and flirty, guess they see me as a wounded bird).

everytime I try to have sex with my wife now I think of these woman and before that I had to think of other people to replace the images of her and the other man. Saying I love you to her and passionate kisses became more physical task and words without meaning to me.
i can't lie to myself anymore I forgive her but I can't forget it. Woman at work have been making passes at me and I don't want to be unfaithful. The damage she did left me feeling as if I was inadequate and undeserving of her. I don't longer see her as the beautiful woman I fell in love with but as a roommate I have sex with and say I love you to. How do I convey this without hurting her? She's been trying but it's me not her. By this point if she cheated on me again I'd be indifferent like I'd almost not care. She broke me and I want out.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • ... Everytime I try to have sex with my wife I think of these women and before that I had to think of other people to replace the images of her and the other man.
    It doesn't have to be etched in stone here, dear, that Now, it is a Combination of Both cases with Different... Faces.
    On one hand, you can't Forgive nor forget the past that wasn't a blast of what she did behind your back, and it has led down a Problem path where Now, you are thinking of other women on the job And... Off.
    This marriage doesn't sound like it is ever going to go back to the "Way we were," for if two people are Not pulling together as two team mates, than being Soul mates is Not going to be in the picture, with the writing on the wall and all that I am seeing.
    You need to sit down and talk this all out with her. Tell her how you feel about this raw deal. If you let it continue, you will soon be on the same page as her with 'Cheating' that could happen, because even Now... You are Cheating her with thinking 'I'd be indifferent like I'd almost not care,' because it seems you don't want to try anymore to see if it might be worth saving your marriage.
    Good luck and blessings. xx

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    • Yes I know that thinking if she cheats I wouldn't care is bad. But I'm trying to put an emotional shield up. I've read how guys monitor their SO cells or put GPS tracking on their cars but that's not me. I want a relationship built on trust and not feeling like big brother. I just wanted to be the father I never was I even studied a lot of material pre-marriage and was a great communicator. I spoke to her and made sure she was fine with me working away and to speak to me if she fell sad or lonely. Maybe I'm just more mature than her... I've finally gotten over the fact that I didn't do anything wrong or was at fault it's her fall from my grace

    • Yes, I see this, very mature, and you certainly deserve better than what happened to you... I also feel that with her cheating, she pushed you and your mind into the arms of other women, it happens as well.
      Hang on a bit longer and see if it can't get stronger and if not, then time to talk turkey to your lawyer. xxoo

    • Thank you, sweetie, for the Vote of Confidence, and you have my vote that you will do or have done the right hing. xxoo

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What Girls Said 9

  • You just have to be honest and tell her. Regardless of how you say it, if she's trying to make the marriage work, then she will probably be upset. However, she made the decision to cheat on you and right now, you have every right to decide whether or not you want to continue to be in this marriage. You need to do what's best for you and it sounds like your marriage will never be the same. So, just sit down with her and tell her that you would like a divorce and stand firmly with that decision.

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    • I can't understand how she could stand there telling me she loved me and was sorry while she was messing around behind my back. I couldn't tell anyone out of shame and only person I could go for council was a priest (I'm not even very religious). He talked me into working it out

  • Without hurting her? She lost her right to have you be considerate of HER feelings when she was never considerate about your feelings... She has no rights whatsoever in this. When she made the decision to cheat, she made the decision to have to deal with the consequences of her actions. I would never have forgiven her in the first place, why does she get to have her cake and eat it too?

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    • Thank you, she has been humble and trying so I have to give her that. We have no kids so right now I'm trying to contact lawyers without her knowing to protect my assets I'm not quite sure yet what she is entitled to. I was the higher wage earner and still am since I met her. So she really hasn't contributed much to the marriage financially but not sure how the court will side. The kid is hers I'm glad I didn't buy a house before finding out

    • Bless you :( sorry that happened to you, but don't be sorry that you want to divorce her because she broke the integrity of the marriage

  • Ideally, you’ll want to tell your spouse you’re considering divorce as soon as you realise you want to end your marriage. Saying it when you’re calm and have time to talk about it together, such as at the beginning of the weekend, is a good idea.

    You already know when your spouse is open to hearing bad news; take that into account. When it comes to finding the right words to say, it’s much more powerful to state your feelings about the relationship clearly, honestly and as kindly as possible, than calling your spouse on all the things you think she has done wrong in the marriage.

    Saying, ''I feel sad that we don’t spend time together anymore and that we’ve grown apart.'' is easier to hear than a blaming, shaming, ''You never do things with me anymore, and it’s your fault that I feel lonely.''

    Good luck.

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    • I'm trying to consider the large sum of money I made for the down payment. We don't have kids and she didn't really have a job when I met her. I'm trying to find a lawyer to protect my assets before dropping the bomb on her

  • She cheated on you, so it shouldn't matter how she feels. She is a bitch, and I am sure you can do a lot better. Just tell her that you can't get past her cheating, and divorce her. She deserves to be alone forever.

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  • Just be honest with her. I honeslty can't and won't sympathize with her. you deserve to be happy and be treated with respect and love.

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  • Tell her what you told us. You don't have to be nice to her she lost that right.

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  • Then get your out honey. It might not be easy it it'll be all worth it in the end. What's worth more than happiness?

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  • Never should have forgaven her if you wasn't gonna forgive her fully. Forgiveness is stupid and useless. Just divorce her already

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  • Yup. She ruined it. That's the obvious. Yet, you still care enough to not wanna hurt her. Wow! Impressive... I've been in your shoes, and it sucks. I thought I could forgive the unfaithful act he did... turns out I never truly forgave him in my heart, just made a conscious decision to live with the pain and deal... It took a long time before I truly forgave him, but it was well after our divorce

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What Guys Said 7

  • You're gonna have to realize that this is no longer about you and her, it simply about you. You put on a good guy, level headed personality, but in reality you don't know what to do next. You should never fell guilty for speaking from the heart, even if it causes problems. She did what she did with a clear conscious and you are the one paying the price for infidelity. That bond was severed and you have every right to feel the way you do.

    Now that being said. Consider everything you feel, find those emotions, stay calm, sit her down, tell her everything and remember that it is not selfish to want to separate. With the work you do, you obviously sacrifice time and sweat to live. You need to realize that you need to look after yourself again, because it's obvious that you're the only one who has been honest about to you. Depressing yes, but you yourself have stated that you are no longer attracted to her and so by not saying anything and speaking up you are only increasing your own pain.

    I've been though this at my young age and it will hurt. But it is paramount that you look to your own future and realize that yes, there is better life for you.

    Good luck my friend.

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  • single mom and she cheated on you despite getting married and you busting your ass to buy a house?

    hahaha wow she deserves to be hurt
    do the right thing and leave her, you are way past the point of being polite and being considerate for her feelings

    she does my deserve to be let down easily

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  • Just tell her that you can't move past the fact that she cheated on you, and you want a divorce. I just hope you have a prenuptial agreement; if not, talk to a lawyer.

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  • Take her out to a fancy dinner at an expensive restaurant and make sure you both are dressed up. Make conversation throughout the whole dinner and don't let her suspect a thing then order 1 dessert so you can split it. Before the dessert comes tell her that you don't love her anymore and you want to have a divorce. If she runs out of the restaurant crying then wait for the dessert and eat it then pay for the dinner. If she is still sitting there pretend like nothing happened and split the dessert with her and enjoy the awkward ride home.

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  • Just tell her you tried your best but still can't get over her cheating. You deserve better and being with you is a chore. Girl bye.

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  • Convince her to join GAG and send her a link to this question :p

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  • I want a divorce. that easy

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