Should I cheat on my husband with my best friend

i have been married for 3 years and we have children together. I love my husband , I really do . however my best friend and I have been having a very flirty 3months and he has confessed that he loves me and he has very strong feelings for me. I too have strong feelings for him. we have tried to ignore it and forget about it but it won't go away my head is full of him and his of me. I am considering on having an affair with him as I want him so much, I have no intention of leaving my husband and I have told him this.

he is thirty and single and has nothing to lose I have everything but I just want him. I have no understanding of why as the sex with my husband is great and emotional he is prefect ..he is great . so why do I have this urge to cheat on the best thing in my life with my best friend. I just need some help advice as I am screwed up and I can't talk to anyone about it as my other boyfriend is my sister in law.

Updates:
thank you all for making me see sense and how stupid I have been. his feelings for me m
me maybe more but he has to deal with that him self . I can't help him with that.my feelings for him are just lust because he made me feel more like a woman and not a wife and mother i can't believe that I have been so stupid I love my husband so much and
it would kill me to ever have to lose him...like many of you have said I have already cheat by even thinking about. I rang my friend and told him that nothing will ever happen between us and that I want my husband... he started crying and I told him
that one day he will meet the right woman etc ...etc... and we have agreed that we will not see each other for a while, we both are really close and don't want to lose our friendship so we will stay friends...
i have told him that has to deal with his feelings for me or if he can't then we can't be friends any more, I also spoke to my husband last night..i didn't tell him as that would destroy him ..i told him how I had felt neglected and that I missed him..
he works nights so we don't see much of him and I am left will the kids all the time and that we never spend time together alone, he is going to book two weeks of work and I have spoken to my mum to have the kids and we are going away for two weeks
to try and reconnect with each other alone with no pressures and no kids,i think that we will be good we have some how got lost.. but some time together should do us good.I... won't be taking a mobile
.Again thank you all for your advice some helpfully and hurtfully but guess I needed to hear it

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Ouch not good. The problem you're having is that you are having a dopamine rush. Dopamine is the love chemical and when you love anything(food, pets, people, etc.) your body starts producing it. The first thing you need to do is stop seeing your best friend as such a perfect person.(this is an illusion dopamine creates. You believe that he is the greatest guy in the world even though he could be a drug dealing pimp.) Find imperfections in his character and focus on them. Although you may not believe they exist that is because you didn't want to find them. Like for instance you said he has nothing to lose... So basically he is a deadbeat? My guess probably living paycheck to paycheck? Now after you find imperfections about him look for the perfections in your husband and watch as your body apathetically switches your lovy feelings back over to your husband in a flash. Don't even try lying to yourself and say you REALLY love your best friend. The only thing you're experiencing right now is a dopamine rush. Most likely caused by prolonged exposure with a another man. Ever heard of how you stick a man on an island populated by women they will fall instantly in love with him? Well it's plainly obvious he was the one there when they started feeling horny rofl.

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    • Oh wow I believe you have now renewed my faith in women. Not by much! But you still did a little bit.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 15

  • You already have cheated, betrayed your husband's trust, emotionally. Taking the relationship further into a sexual one only means you're treading deeper.

    "I am screwed up "

    You are tasting the initial consequences. If it is that bad already, guess how much worse it would get if you tread deeper? A lot.

    "he is thirty and single and has nothing to lose "

    After you two have sex and formed a deep relationship, what would he be thinking when he stares at the ceiling everything night, knowing you are sleeping with another man? Jeolousy, anger, resentment ...etc. will be all he has, 24/7, pretty soon.

    Nothing to lose? When a person loses his happiness, what life is worth living? You are partially responsible for co-creating hell for him if you do that, selfishly. What would a person living in hell do to you, and your family? Anything is possible. You will find out what you will be losing then.

    Suggestion: Use your will power, sever the relationship immediately.

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  • "he works nights so we don't see much of him and I am left will the kids all the time and that we never spend time together alone,.."

    You did, before you have kids. Don't let this be the lame excuse to betray your husband's trust, who you chose, though. From his response, he is a good guy. Going on a vacation for two weeks is an excellent idea.

    You are responsible for your happiness. If you want to re-experience "romance", your husband is the guy, using a 3rd party like this "best friend" means betrayal and co-creating hell for this 3rd party, and shortly after that, hell for you & your family.

    Glad to see that you're seeing the picture clearly. Everything you are doing now is on the right track, in my opinion. One thing though, it is best to sever ALL links with this 3rd party PERMANENTLY to COMPLETELY erase ALL future, possible temptations, for both you and him. Below are some tips on handling breakup >> no loose ends.

    Sure, this guy has many issues on his sides, underlying issues, to work on. But that is not, and should not be, your problem. If it is anyone's problem, it is a therapist's, not his "married best friend's who happens to want some romance, who wanted to be chase/flirted with/treated, or pretend to be, a single girl". He really should see a therapist.

    Best of luck! Have a romantic vacation with your husband.

    Tips on getting a clean breakup, with no loose ends.

    -- Show your resolve by being firm, decisive and honest. Help him understand why you want to end the relationship. Be tactful, not brutal.

    -- Remind him that you'll never forget the positive qualities in your relationship, but emphasize that you're ready to move on with your life.

    -- Give him the closure that he needs to accept the breakup; answer questions and talk it over instead of leaving loose ends.

    Source >>> link

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  • In a way, you have already cheated in your heart. And the fact that you spent 3 months getting to know your best friend sexually and more personally.

    I'd suggest seeing a counselor or therapist who can help with these sort of situations. Do you really want to lose everything you have for a simple get-together? Is it worth it? I'd suggest telling your husband your frustrations, one way or another. It's better he learn now, then after.

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  • Like you said, you have everything to lose. I think you should break ties with your friend. He crossed the line by expressing his love. You sound happily married. Don't make a horrible mistake on a whim.

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  • The fact that you're asking this question leads me to believe you've already made your mind up. Someone will tell you to "go do it, you only live once!" and that someone is a full fledged moron.

    You're not considering your husband, who loves you and takes care of you but isn't plotting to get sex from somewhere else.

    You're not considering your family, who loves you and trusts you to look after them by being selfless.

    And your best friend is not your best friend if he's putting his happiness in front of those he apparently cares for. Profession of love is wonderful and all... but where was he when you were dating your husband?

    I've crushed on many female best friends. I've crushed on many wives and girlfriends of friends. Does that mean I acted upon it? Does it mean I professed my feelings? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

    Look before you leap miss.

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  • Turn the tables around; if he was committing the same actions as you with a female friend, how would you feel? In my opinion this is the single biggest mistake you can make because you are happily married with a loving family, would you want to ruin that for a petty one night stand. In the end its your call but make sure you weigh in the pros and the cons before you embark on something petty like this.

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  • Are you mad? Do you still love your husband and kid or not? Just think calmly if you go by the way you are thinking you will lose your husband, may be your kid and the most important the love and respect in front of your husband, kid and in the society.

    Only one person is in profit and that is your boyfriend.

    Ok agree with you he loves you and want to spent the rest of his life with you but what is the gurentee that he will not leave you in future. He can raise finger on you saying when you can leave ur existing husband and kid than why not your boyfriend.

    Be loyal to only one. And that decision solely on you. Its your future and dignity. If you think your new love is of more value go ahead. But you can get the same love and care from the existing family.

    Summery: Don't disturb at least three life your husband, your boyfriend and yourself and indirectly your kid(s).

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  • if you do this your husband is bound to find out... so don't think you will get away with it... even if you were to get away with it it's a horrible idea... you are in reality on a path to destroying your family. wrecking your husband and children emotionally. all for what sex. think about it. what is love you say you love your husband. Love isn't an infatuation Love is putting the needs of others in front of the wants or needs of yours. your family needs you to be faithful. your children need to know their mother cares about the family. your husband needs to know that he can trust you. if you commit this travesty I believe you in essence demonstrate that you do not love your husband, or even your family, being how your are putting this very selfish need in front of the most basic need of any family.

    if you need to - stop talking to the man. is his friendship or more worth your guilt, pain, your family? With one decision you could drastically negatively effect your whole family. Kids carry these things for a long time it damages their relationships later in life. please look inside yourself and make the only clear moral decision

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    • Good advice.... aaaand I love your icon xD

      because I freakin' love coloring too lol xD

  • grass is always greener on the other side.

    an affair will make him want you to leave your husband consider that. and consider the kids.

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  • Intent means nothing in this world, only actions. You can justify to yourself all day long that you have good intentions doing this and you can rationalize anything. If you take action and have sex with him, those actions are speaking to your husband and your family. You will be taking action against them.

    Only have sex with this friend if you don't mind losing your husband and children because there is a pretty good chance that your actions would cause that.

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  • you have this urge cause society says its ok.. everywhere you go there's stories and movies and tv shows with cheating and affairs it makes people justify it like you are doing right now.. and if you have ANY respect for him you will stop flirting with your best friend and if you have to pick your husband over him because your husband should be your best friend. even debating and playing with the idea makes me sick and makes me feel sorry for your husband that he has you for a wife.. someone whose willing to cheat just because a guy is flirting with you...

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  • No you don't love him and lust over him, it will fade eventually, he just wants to get you into bed I would stay away and stay with your husband you have a responsibility with your kids, it's their lives you would ruin if you two were to split up

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  • Look when you married your husband you promised to be honest and loyal to each other till death do you apart so keep your promise and don't cheat on him, the best thing to do is forget about your bestfriend and never talk to him again, or you can always masturbate with a picture of him to take away the urge of sleeping with him but think about your husbands feeling and most of all think about your kids

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  • Short answer yes. Long answer... yes.

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  • No you don't love him. You are married, have children and want to be unfaithful? That's a horrible thing to do and you sound like a horrible person for even entertaining the idea. So not only are you going to cheat- but you're going to with his best friend. That's so wrong. If he finds out, he'll lose a wife and best friend? Have fun with that custody battle too after he divorces your whore ass. Cheating isn't tolerable in any sense at all. Talk to a therapist, all of you. Pretty sh*tty you'd even entertain the idea. My ex girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend, and I put him in the hospital.

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    • To imply someone is a horrible person is harsh we can't help our emotions we can only help how we act on them but it doesn't make bad people.

    • My ex's "emotions" translated into she wanted someone elses d***. It destroyed me and my actual emotions. No excuse.

What Girls Said 15

  • What will your kids think of their Mom when their older and can understand? Do you want to be the one responsible for putting your kids through the hell called divorce? Do you want to be blamed for a divorce just because you crave a fling? Does your husband know?

    Think about this because before your life is through your kids and your family will find out. If they don't you will try to hold it inside until it drives you insane. I suggest you talk to your husband and you yourself weigh what you would stand to lose and decide if it would be worth risking JUST to have a fling.

    I have no respect for your "best friend". In my honest opinion if he WAS your best friend he WOULD care about you AND your husband's relationship. That is a line you don't cross. He's probably just trying to get in your pants. If that's the case and you risk it all just to have an affair wouldn't you be quite f***ed over... Also infidelity does not look good at all when you're trying to keep custody of your children.

    Get your head straight and grow up. You're age says your a woman but your mind is still a teenager. You took vows to spend the rest of your life with your husband AND to FORSAKE all others. If you didn't mean it then you shouldn't have said it. If he cared about you he wouldn't try to intrude on your relationship and if you cared about your husband, your children, and had self respect you wouldn't even think twice about this. I suggest seeing a therapist and getting the "best friend" out of your life before you change your reputation and earn a title deemed 'Whore'.

    Best of luck to you and your family.

    God Bless

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  • I recommend not cheating. Think of what message you are sending to your children. Think about what would happen if your husband found out you were even entertaining these thoughts, let alone acting out on them. Don't let the newness of this friends flirtation fool you. Any man who is willing to have sex with a married woman is not worth any amount of your time. We may love many people in our lifetime. I love all of my friends, I love my family, I love my husband, and there are some guys my age that I care VERY deeply about and want the best for them in life. Don't confuse these feelings for romance.

    Remember your vows, keep in mind your children. Think on your history with your husband. If you choose to have sex with this other man regardless, it is out of purely selfish reason. If you can't handle the temptation, it is time to say goodbye to this friend of yours. If you can't find a way to do it for your husband and children, at least do it for yourself. You seem to have a wonderful loving family - don't break that support system for a fling.

    Good luck - you know what the right decision is. Make it, or live with the consequences of the wrong decision. The choice is yours.

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  • I'm not going to say you're a horrible person because I really don't think you are - you didn't jump off and start cheating right away. Obviously you are a good enough person to know this is wrong, or you wouldn't seek counsel from people. I will say this... don't do it.

    Not just because of your loving husband.

    Not just because of your children.

    If you do this, in the end you will feel truly sick with yourself. Cheating is something painful for everyone it touches - it may be excited but deep in your heart you know it is simply wrong and that is reason enough not to.

    I would suggest no longer seeing your best friend, but maybe you don't want to sever ties with him; at least make it clear to him that you cannot walk down this path together, and take some time away from him to clear your head. You are not the devil for finding yourself attracted to someone besides your husband - that is normal, what you do after that point decides what kind of person you are.

    So, ask yourself what kind of person you are. Can you really live with the destruction an affair would bring? You say you would never leave your husband, but if he found out he would leave you (probably - maybe he could possibly forgive you but do you really want to risk it?).

    Don't hurt yourself, don't hurt your husband, don't hurt your children, and don't hurt your friend (because there is no way he could have you a little and not be hurt by not having all of you).

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  • Your husband is the best thing in your life.

    You have children with him.

    You're happy with him.

    The sex is great.

    Emotionally, he's great.

    I think you might just be bored, since I can't see any other reason for these feelings. Are you sure you were ready to settle down in the first place? Or maybe this guy makes you feel like a woman and not a wife and mother?

    No, you shouldn't cheat. You've made a commitment and you need to stick to that. But keep in mind your friend isn't being much of a friend right now; if he actually cared about you he wouldn't put himself in a situation where he could wind up such a home-wrecker. He's being selfish by entertaining the thought in the first place (Not to say you're not, but really, you call this man a "friend"? He's threatening your family!) and you need to get rid of him, very soon. Make sure it's before things go any farther. Once he's gone you might find that you and your husband have other things to work out, and problems you hadn't noticed will finally get addressed and taken care of with someone who really loves you.

    If you love your kids and truly love your husband, you're going to need to slow down and think a little bit past "what you want." You've agreed to put their needs before your own.

    I'm glad you're thinking twice about this in the first place, since clearly you know it's wrong if you're coming here. There's a lot at stake, and no matter how badly you might want this, you need to overcome it. Spend more time with your husband, without your kids, and reconnect. Remind yourself why you love him in the first place. (And get some better friends, seriously.)

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  • You know in your heart already how your feel is not right and now you have to convince yourself and by putting this out there your are asking for approval from other people that its ok. You know no one is going to say its ok to be unfaithful. What you really want is someone to validate how you feel and that your not the only one who has felt this way. Of course you can't talk to anyone because you know people will not take your side or see it from your point of view and you already know its wrong and you don't need to keep hearing people tell you that. I just want to tell you I know what your feeling and it does happen. "If only" is such a sad feeling but only you can ever decide which. If only I had acted on my feelings where would I be now would I be happier or will you be saying if only I had not done that my life is such a mess now. You already know that your not going to have a relationship with the friend or that it certainly wouldn't be a good way to start one. Then what are you going to do and feel when he meets someone else, someone he can have and be with how are you going to feel when you see that happen? It is a miserable situation either way. What you really want is to feel the way you did when you met your husband. You need to try dating him again do something out of your normal boring routine take a weekend ALONE together and hopefully you will fall in love all over again and the thoughts will slowly fade away. Otherwise its take a long look at your marriage and make sure that it is really what you want and not in it just because its comfortable or for the kids. If your not truly happy everything and everyone in your life suffers as well. I sincerely wish you the best.

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  • No. Don't f*** with your kids' lives like this. And to any single people out there who can sympathize with her thinking, don't ever have children. You aren't qualified to give them a good life.

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  • I don't think you should cheat that's just wrong. You should just forget all about your feelings for your best friend unless you intend on getting a divorce from your husband. YOu have something good already kids a family. And its my guess that all you feel for the friend is a stron sensasion of lust. That's why you don't want to be with him for the rest of your life and want to keep him as a friend and not leave your husband. What you need to do is forget about your friend and just be his friend. you just want his sex. You have all you want. why would you risk losing something like that? What if your husband found out? Would you lie? Tell the truth? Could you take your guilty concious buggin you all the time? JUst play it safe don't do it.

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  • well he has nothing to lose and you could ruin your whole marriage and wind up divorce. Honestly, the fact that you're even considering cheating on your husband makes me think that you actually don't love him as much as you say you do because if you did you'd never even consider cheating on him. Just get a divorce since clearly you don't love him as much as you claim you do since you're willing to ruin your marriage just so you can sleep with someone else.

    Oh yeah, and don't forget about your kids. Clearly putting them through a divorce is worth it as long as you get laid

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  • Don't cheat on him. Think about your children. Look at them. Would you really want to put a few minutes of physical pleasure ahead of their happiness? They will FOREVER be ruined emotionally if you cheat on your husband and family. It's one thing if you and your husband are not working out and separation is inevitable, another if you're just doing this because it's exciting and different.

    Think about your children.

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  • How much you wanna bet that this guy just wants sex from you, and then just destroy your life? Have you ever seen Match Point? I think you should watch it!

    www.watch-movies-online.tv

    Then just type Match Point... I really hope you don't destroy ur kids life, ur husbends life and ur own life!

    Just to let you know, you have already cheated on this poor man emotionally!

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  • If you are so in love with your husband and think he's perfect why would you even have to ask this question?

    If you feel the need to be with your best friend that bad maybe you guys need to take a time out from each other. And if he loves you like he says he does he will understand and he should be more than willing to go away. If I loved somebody I wouldn't want to mess up their entire life.

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    • ROFL. So she should just be allowed to go f*** her best friend while her husband is all alone and faithful? Ask yourself if you would be fine "taking a break" while your husband goes out to bang some hot girls.

    • Um I mean the best friend should back off. I think she definitely should NOT go hump her friend! If her friend really cared about her he would know that she loves her husband and is not willing to give him up. Having an afair with her friend would probably ruin her marriage. Her friend tells her he loves her so if its true he should back off and leave her alone.

  • dont do it...you would be jeopardizing everything you have.

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  • This is an infatuation, not love. The reason I say that is because you are not single and the fact that you are married plays into the equation of what is going on here. You are like forbidden fruit, and so is the guy you are seeing. That element of the forbidden plays heavily into the intoxicating feelings you are having right now. Your husband is a known to you. He cannot compete with the thrill you are getting from this deal, but then again, this deal cannot compete with the love and security you have with your husband.

    Do not do it. It is a horrible idea. You have so much to lose and, trust me, considering you do still love your husband and your marriage is going great, you have nothing to gain. Some men and women in this situation have an affair and it helps them deal with or wakeup to facing the reality of a bad marriage and it can help them take steps to move on, rather than remain in a bad situation. Sex and the excitement of these feelings will fade if you do this and then you will be left with the guilt of having cheated. Worse, what if your husband finds out.

    Oh, and drop having guys for best friends. Guys are only friends with women they can imagine having sex with. He could turn out to be a real turkey after you have sex and the fun wears off for him. Like you said, he has nothing to lose. Some single men specifically go for attached women because somewhere in the back of their mind they realize you will never put pressure on them for a relationship.

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  • You're ridiculous.

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    • Boooo, downie.

    • Lol. I agree that some questions don't have straight answers, but this isn't one of them. The right thing to do is clear: don't cheat. Whether or not you do so is up to you. But I think it's ridiculous that you feel the need to ask.

  • I've been there before, and it always causes a lot of grief , stress and strain for all parties involved. If youi really do love your husband as much as you say you do, you will always have a guilty conscience every time you are around him. I know its not easy, but if you really want to be with this man then divorce your husband first. Its better than cheating on him. And is also the morally right thing to do. but this is just my opinion. Best of luck to you.

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