Who comes first: Family of origin or the wife to be?

The reason my ex fiancé dumped me was that his parents are more important to him than me ( the girl he said he wants to live with for the rest of his life and bla bla bla). I find this wrong because when you get married you should create your own family and make that your first priority. So I let him go back to his parents. But I m curious how many of you think it s right this way? To put your parents before your spouse?

Updates:
Ok, there might be needed an update to get the transparency of my question. In my case his parents have a good financial situation but for some reasons they keep on asking my ex for money. I was thinking since they are not in need for those money would be better to understand if that will carry on after we get married. He said yes. He will always run of the cliff to help them for whatever. When I repeat, his parents are not poor at all. Will you guys accept this situation and be fine with it?
And for all the people who say family of origin comes first, what about the "leave and cleave" words from the Bible Genesis 24:4 ?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I agree with u completely.
    Of course ur mom and dad and grandma and grandpa and brothers and sisters will always be your family. But your loyalty to ur spouse should come first. U should feed ur family before loaning money to ur parents... When u have a family of ur own they are priority...
    It's too bad that happened to u, but he's going to b one of those guys that probably never gets married... everybody has to leave the nest and start their own life...

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What Guys Said 24

  • This really depends on the cultural background. In Chinese and most Asian cultures, even if you're an immigrant, children are taught to take care of their parents when they get older. When my grandparents got old, my parents took them in and they lived with us for many years. Now, my mother is getting old, and the discussion of building a new home with a laneway home for her has sprung up.

    In Caucasian families, elderly are often sent to the retirement home rather than living together as a family. In Asian cultures, this would be extremely disgraceful and disrespectful, and none of my grandparents or the grandparents of my cousins live in a retirement home.

    So it's not quite a question of "who comes first" because one may ask, "why can't both be taken care of" since both are family. Think of yourself as an old woman in her 70's. You can't do anything yourself and want to be with your adult kids to be taken care of, and watch over your grandchildren. Instead, your adult kids reject you and throw you in a retirement home to live by yourself.

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    • I know about different cultures and the way this matter is viewed.
      My personal believe is that I do not want to feel as a burden and expect from my children ( if God will bless me one day with this joy) to take care of me when I m old. I don't want to have children because I m afraid of getting old and who is going to take care of me then. I do not find going to a retirement home that awful if needed.
      I think parents that have children and have the expectation from their children to take care of them when they get old it s a selfish one. There isn't unconditional love and children should be made out of unconditional love.
      But that is just my opinion. My ex would probably agree with what you say above and honestly if the parents would be good ones I wouldn't have a problem either on taking care of them. But that is not the case of his parents. His father is a selfish alcoholic and his mother did nothing to help him out with a drug addiction he has. But they ask money from him.

  • Well... it's not black and white unless we're in a scenario where parents are hanging from a cliff and so are you and he has to decide who to save...

    I assume it's something where the parents and you did not get a long? If that's the case and he trust his parents judgement. I'd have to trust my parents judgement as they are older and wiser and not emotionally involved.

    Sometimes we want something so blindly we'll convince ourselves that this is the right decision, if he had 0 doubts you are the women for him.. no one would be able to influence otherwise but obviously there was something and his parents (who he trust and values) were able to validate his concerns.

    But this is all speculative, "Who comes first: Family of origin or the wife to be?"

    - Wives cheat and end in divorce, parents are mom and dad forever...

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    • No, I had no problem with his parents. They were constantly having a problem with my ex s money.

    • Forever doesn't exist. We all die sooner or later. A spuse might still be on your side when that happens.

  • While I can see him wanting to help his parents I whole heartedly agree with you on this. The Wife takes presidents here. Yes indeed the Bible does say Cleve unto thy wife. I still help my parents in a lot of ways upto and including financial assistance , but they know I can't and won't take it out of our ability to survive to give it to them. My wife is my number 1 priority and has been for a good many years and will continue to be. So my bottom line is your X is wrong in his brain washed way of thinking

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  • This is not a clear cut answer question.
    the answer really is "depends".
    For the most part, once you are married (very key word there for your situation since you were not married) then in most all cases I sided with my wife. (unfortunately now ex wife).
    however, you need to be within reason. If they are sick, or it is some kind of emergency, I am going to go to them and help them. If my wife had tried to stop me then she isn't someone I want to be with.
    In this case, if they really didn't need the money, he needed to sit down with them and find out why they are asking. your the wife coming in. There could be things they are not telling you. Even when you get married it doesn't mean they are going to tell you their personal issues. So you really don't know 100% they don't need it.
    If your fiance, or husband, talks to them and then he tells you they do need it, that should be enough for you (as long as you can afford it).
    If you can't afford it, then he should tell them that your family cannot afford to give them anything else. and then try and help in other ways.

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    • thank you for your opinion. I agree with what you say. In my situation we were about to get married in 2 weeks time. This asking for help and giving money to his parents was going on since he started working and I m assuming it became more of a habit to give them money even if there weren't situations as the ones you mentioned. I mean any reason was a good reason for them to ask him money and for him to give them money. What really bothered me most is that he clearly told me that for him they were and will continue to be his top priority. And In such case I knew I would be unhappy because no wife wants to be put aside and treated as she is not that important or that I have to be in a kind of competition with his parents. He simply couldn't make a balance between me and them while I was giving him 100% of everything I could. And that is not a healthy way of starting a marriage. He just wasn't able to cut the ombilcal cord.

    • You made the right, but I am sure very hard, choice. I backed my wife in many cases against my parents, esp when it came to the kids. While some I very much agreed with, some I did not. But the issues were with our family, it had nothing to do with them. As I say, if they truly needed my help I will always be there. but if it is not a serious situation, then i will always back my wife.
      If you can't count on your spouse being there for you no matter what, that is not what family does and would not make much of a marriage. You would have eventually divorced with these issues building and building so best not to even start down that road.

    • To be honest I was in shock when he chosed to dump me instead of wanting to work at the problem. I wasn't thinking that by addressing the problem he will just choose to leave. Now I believe he didn't truly love me if it was so easy for him to just go. And to realise that was extremely painful because I loved him dearly.
      I m sorry for your marriage that it didn't work out.
      I wish and hope that all of us, the heartbroken ones, we will find one day the right person.
      All the best☺

  • Actually the idea is to never put yourself in this choice situation (like not in the very small thing). You need to always be move a head if you see some red flag in this area. As for you , he completely got it wrong but here a tip for you : you just can't put your trust in some one who has turned his back for the people that made him what who is right now cauze as he turns his back to them he will do much worth to you (usually) . As I said before the idea is to never put the two of them in a choice position.

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    • I also couldn't put my trust on him willing to support our family when he clearly told me his origin family will always be his top priority.

    • You are right. it will never work this way

  • Anyone who would try to make me choose would be the losing party. There's enough for everyone and you don't need to sacrifice your family for your spouse and a spouse who expects or wants that is not worth having. On the flipside you shouldn't have to sacrifice your spouse for your family and a family who wants or expects that is just as toxic.

    I believe there aren't many situations where there's really no solution and it's either one or the other. Things can be shared. Solutions can be found.
    However, your first obligation if you're married and have children is obviously to them. As they aren't adults and can't fend for themselves at all.

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  • #1 rule of marriage
    She comes before your family
    She comes before your work
    She comes before your friends.
    At least to a point she made a point to be part of you and you her. You two are each other's priorities

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  • My spouse. I hate marriage, but if you are with your married partner or long term and commit, you are your own family. I protect my girl above all and when I have kids I protect and give all to them, mom and dad have to take a back seat.

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    • Thank you. I was getting worried that all men find normal to put their family of origin first no matter what.

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    • True... I have a hierarchy. But it's in terms of time investment. I can't give 100% to all the girls. I give most of it to my primary partner, and less of it to the others, but I love them all the same. Poly;)

    • I don't understand how poligamy works because I am definetely a monogamist. I can not be with at least 2 people in the same time so I can't really understand how it works for you. but I don't have anything against it. As i said I believe anything is right if the people involved are aware of the situation, agree to it and happy about how things are.

  • Family of origin until wife to be becomes wife. Then wife. But severity of circumstances will dictate priorities.

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    • Of course, I agree with you. If your parents or her parents are in real need for help that will become a temporary priority. And of course parents should be treasured and honored even after getting married, but I believe the spouse should definetely feel you are most committed to your new family. I m glad you are so young but have such a clarity of views ☺

    • Thanks ☺️

  • There must be a balance. Nothing too extreme is good.

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    • Unfortunately that balance is hard to achieve if not impossible I think

  • Yes, I would always put my parents before my spouse because at the end of the day my parents were there before you and there is a good chance that one day we WILL get divorced. YOU SOUND VERY SELF CENTERED.

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    • What if your parents would constantly ask you for money because they are in need and use them to go on holiday for example? would you still be on their side?

    • YES, I WOULD. They were there when you weren't. @asker

    • Thank you for your opinion.

  • Well my family fucking sucks, so I'd definitely choose my future wife. From a more objective standpoint, I could understand why someone would be attached to their parents -- especially in other cultures -- so I can't make any blanket statements. From my own point of view, I wouldn't put my parent/s first.

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    • His family sucks too but he choosed them.
      I m sorry you feel this way about your family. Maybe there is something you could do to get on better terms with them. I am not against having a good relationship with families. I just do not agree that family of origin should come first always and no matter what.

  • You are correct.

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  • I did not know there had to be choice in the matter... love is love, you love them all and treat them all the same!

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  • My family of origin.

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    • Are you married or have a serious girlfriend that knows how you think and she is happy this way? experts on family matters say that if you don't prioritise your spouse there are big chances to head to a divorce. The "leave and cleave" theory from the Bible has a very good point on why should your spouse come first.

    • Yes I am, and family values from my side have never been a secret.

    • If you are sure your wife has no frustrations regarding your views I m glad for you two that you found each other.

  • depends really on the situation. you're spouse could be an idiot and you might have to dump her.

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    • but that would make you an idiot as well because you choosed that spouse.

    • and then chose to dump her. some mistakes can be corrected.

  • No way parents should EVER come before your spouse. You're better off without him. Sounds like he's a flakey lita beta Momma's boy. Trust me, you
    don't need that.

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  • All I need in this is world is me and my girlfriend; or in your case, Wifey

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  • my parents comes first to me...

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  • Wife to be. That decision is not hard for me.

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  • that's tough

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  • They say blood is thicker than water, so some are closer to their parents than others but if you were married already with kids then that would have been his priority but you didn't get that far

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    • We didn't get that far because he clearly told me his parents will be top priority always.

  • My family comes first always has and always will. I marry to include you in that family not to supersede them. If that's not possible it's over between us. My family is the only people in this world that I know for a fact have my best interest at heart because they've spent my entire life showing me that. My spouse is a risk in my opinion. It's me taking the gamble of letting an outsider in. I'm not gonna ignore her or abandon her for my family but I'm not going to be stupid and hand over all my trust to the newest major person in my life without at least a few years of reassurance that she's indeed consistent and trustworthy.

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    • Just read your updates. I think it's silly for him to be handing over cash like that to his family. That's more abuse than love. And for the bible quote although I come from a Christian family I'm not Christian so I just don't feel comfortable using bible passages to make my decisions in life. I'd rather make my decision based on my personal abilities and understandings. I may be wrong but I'd rather just take responsibility for my wrongs and suffer the consequences.

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    • im just not a fan of leave and cleave. It feels pointless to me. I've witnessed my mom and all of her brothers and sisters go and get married and they still see each other and spend a great deal of time taking care of my grandfather. My dads family on the other hand barely speak to one another and each year they get further and further apart. I don't like to say it out loud but I'm pretty sure the majority of my grandma's health problems are coming from neglect and abandonment. What's the point of even having kids if they're supposed to grow up just too leave you? I just know from experience that you can build your own new family and maintain your birth family if you marry the right person so I figured why not.

    • And it's not really about not trusting my partner. It's more about not trusting myself. I've put my trust wholeheartedly in people before and had my trust shattered. So I can believe in and trust a person and still be wrong about them. I'm not worried about how that may make me look. I'm a cautious person I'm cautious about everything. If my SO were to take my cautiousness as an insult they just don't know me very well.

  • I'm sorry but i want to tell you if you are merry her then after some months must be get'in divorce but you don't werry you can get cheap uncontested divorce from here Divorcedealer. com

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What Girls Said 7

  • The only thing I can say is you have to decide if you can be with someone who is like this.

    I can see why he would choose his family over you. He has no idea what the future holds with you two. You could be happy now and then in a few years you both could be miserable.

    Unfortunately now a days relationships do not last long and people are seen as disposable. He may fear that you will fall out of love with him and leave him. This is a huge fear with guys and women because it happens all the time.

    So I can definitely see why family would be important to him.

    I see your side as well, you want him to make you a priority as well especially if you two are going to have kids. You want to make sure he is there for them.

    My suggestion is to sit him down and talk about your concerns. Try to lay them all out on the table and see each other's side.

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    • That wasn't possible or an option because he clearly told me his family will be top priority always and not ours. He also chosed to dump me as soon as I opened my mouth about my concerns without even wanting to hear what I had to say.. He made his choice. I strongly believe in the marriage institution and I wouldn't get married believing I might end up in divorce even if nowadays it s common to get a divorce. I m an honest and loyal person. Unless he would have been psycally abusive I would have not leave him but try to work on the problems every couple has. The problem was him not being ready for what an actual marriage means. I could have been married long time ago with somebody else but I wasn't sure about him and I was honest with that person.

  • Marriage spouse comesbfirst but if a man really loves you he will make sure spouse and family are equally important. Sounds like he is a child in a grown man body.

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  • It depends.

    If my family is wrong, then I will support the spouse.

    If the spouse is wrong then family.

    But no need to be rude or etc. Just talking it out in nice manner with patience would help.

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    • his family are asking him for money because they are in need and then they go for 2 weeks on a holiday out of the country. that s one tiny example of how his parents are. And he chose them as top priority.

  • why didn't his parents like you?

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    • No, I had no problem with his parents and I have always been nice to them. But they were asking him for money always even if they don't really need the money and I tought that will carry on after we get married and I don't agree with. So I confronted him and he said his parents are more important to him no matter what.

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    • I don't know but I was seeing it and he didn't. And I couldn't close my eyes over it and think his parents are having a good time and we have to support that when we have nothing yet.

    • yes he was too close to them that's why he didn't see it

  • Yes he was right because no sane self respecting woman would give a man that ultimatum if she really loved him

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    • It was not an ultimatum like chose me or your parents and i forbid you to see them again or non sense like that. I just wanted to know if he will continue to focus on helping them ( and I repeat his parents are doing more than alright) once we were getting married. And he said yes, that even after marriage his parents will still be top priority. Meaning if we had a child and the child and his parents needed something he would have given all and first to his parents. If you would accept a husband like this it s your choice. I didn't want to have a husband that didn't want to commit to his own family.

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    • I believe it s a good thing to be a tough cookie when needed even if some men can't handle it. I am the same. I m sure now his parents didn't give a damn about me. As for him it's his loss if he couldn't see I really loved him and that I had his best interest at heart. I wish you and your children all the best! ☺

    • Thank you and we wish you all the best too x

  • There should be a happy medium. Neither should necessarily come before the other. Until you have kids, and then kids are top priority no matter what.

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  • I'd put my parents before my partner because my parents have a better picture and can judge the person without strong emotions. I have a very good relationship with my family and I believe they would never meddle in my affairs if it weren't for something with harsh and grave consequences.

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    • You are lucky then that your parents don't constantly ask you for money even if they dont really need them. My ex s parents are doing it.

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