How To Stop Cheating?

Serious question - it's not as simple as "just don't do it". If it were there'd be no need for forums like GaG. I'm asking as a close friend who has been there for her from the beginning but is at a loss on how to help her loved one. Love is not enough and it's not a solution.

I need concrete, executable plans of action or strategies, or profound realizations from a serial cheater or someone you know who was or is one. What did you or your friend/family member/acquaintance do to stop? What was rock bottom?

If you were in her position, what would you need from your best friend?

Updates:
FYI, walking away from her, or anyone, is never an option. I don't do that and i won't entertain it. It just kills me watching her destroy herself and her marriage. She was also sexually abused by a step parent. I can't personally relate to her pain, and I don't know what to do to help her.
P. S. she's married. And we're way beyond whether she deserves it or that it's unfair. She's hellishly aware that she is weak and that her husband is the one stable part of her life. Ever, actually. Their love is true and 100% reciprocated on both ends. You'll just have to take my word on that. I believe that she separates sex from love.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • If it is a seemingly compulsive behaviour, then it is clearly an addiction - probably similar to masturbation-addiction.

    First of all though I think you raise a good point of her potentially seperating sex from love. This is a common thing people do who have grown up being stunted in their sexual development in one way or another. In normal cases sexuality and love go hand in hand where one enhances the other and vice versa.

    Furthermore what other problems could be the reason? Probably the kick she gets out of it, self-hate (and looking for outside approval), self-destructive behaviour, the thought of "I dont deserve this husband" and ending up actively sabotaging her own marriage, uncontrolled impulsiveness (which again is a different symptom of something deeper), trust-issues, quite probably parental and/or sexual violence (or other abuse as a child) in her past, etcetc.
    There is quite a mean phrase for this which even though it is mean, its quite spot on: "A cock in your pussy will not stuff the hole in your heart."

    Also I wouldn't be surprised if she increases the intensity of her sexual encounters (more kicks by rougher sex, multiple partners and whatnot) while decreasing the sexual encounters with her husband altogether. At this point she crossed the line already of cheating and then doing it again is much easier after you have crossed that line. Not to mention her guilt will create a self-fulfilling prophecy by seperating love and sex even further and thus this behaviour going on.

    Anyway, that's just a few thoughts ranted down. If you have more questions, feel free to ask or write me a private message.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Serial cheater here. Your friend needs to have a long thing about what, exactly, she is getting out of the cheating that makes it so addictive for her. In my case - I liked the high that I got from sleeping with a new partner but I came to realise that the biggest high I got was from the attention and flirting in the build up.
    This is basically the result of having been a not attractive teenager but now an attractive adult. I've realised that it still see male attention as some sort of novelty, which makes it very hard not to engage when a guy does start flirting with me. However, the kind of guys that will flirt with your friend when she is in married will definitely just be after the sex, so cheating will not make her feel better about herself. She'll just feel like shit for being 1) used 2) unable to control herself and 3) doing something hurtful to her partner.
    My long term partner knows about my many slip ups - as I tried to breakup with him and said that we should end it as I was worried I would just cheat on him again. He convinced me to stay, so I owe it to him to try and sort my sh*t out, as 90% of people would leave in that situation. Not many people get to fully confess multiple infidelities (so they are no longer living with the guilt of secrets) and have their partner still be there.

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    • *long think

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    • Er, that's going to be a tad difficult given that we're both anon!

    • Haha I forgot I was anon. I'm usually shameless.

      I'll take the anon off. Message me now? ^_^

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 9

  • In short. There's nothing you can do. She's an eighteen year old trapped in a woman's body. What you're seeing is immaturity and selfishness. Adults know what we want and what's best for us, children don't. As far as her emotional baggage is concerned, it's just an excuse. My dad used to beat me and my mom with disgusting regularity. I've never so much as raised my voice in disagreements with my wife. You can make a conscious decision to be better than a rottenl upbringing. When she brings this shit to you, she's seeking VALIDATION, not help. Your continued silence and support is a form of validation. I have had male friends who do this crap and my wife has had female friends who have done the same. When we discussed it we both agreed to limit our time spent with these people. We surround ourselves with quality people who think like we do and our relationship is better for it.

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  • Trying to suppress natural urges can never lead to anything productive. If someone is so inclined to sleep around that they cannot physically stop, noting you do or say will change much. But is that such a bad thing? As long as you are safe and smart about it having multiple sex partners is not a bad thing. I think the real issue here is a lack of compatibility between two people in a relationship that want different things.

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    • Thanks, and you are 100% on point with every aspect of ur answer. But let's say leaving her husband is not an option (too long to go into here) and that he would leave her if he knew. What can she DO to curb her impulses and weakness?

      Its like a drug addiction. Forgoing this marriage is just a band aid. The sore is still there and will fester no matter who she gets into a relationship with.

      No one tells the addict to remove themselves. They advise the addict on how to change.

      I'm probably rambling. Ugh. Hopefully you can glean my meaning from it...

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    • No that completely makes sense. I don't mean to say you're wrong. It's probs just my shitty luck

    • @mindysayshi For what ever it is worth, I have personally never cheated on anyone and most of the guys I know can say the same.

  • People need to be honest with themselves. A person that is polygamous by nature cannot possibly exist within the confines and restrictions of a monogamous relationship. People who constantly cheat in relationships are not troubled people, they are not evil people, they are just not wired for conventional relationships and the sooner they admit this and stop trying to conform to society's "norms" the happier they'll be and the less drama and turmoil they'll cause to themselves and to others.

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  • NO, it really is as easy as DON"T BE A SCUMBAG POS.
    nothing makes a person cheat.
    I met my ex wife jan 10 of 1989, went into the military Feb 14, 1989.
    coming out of basic to tech school, anyone, ANYONE, can get laid.
    I had 7 women, including a 3some ask me if i wanted to get a room over the 7 months I was there. and that was with me not even trying.
    Since I am a decent and very loyal person, I never even considered cheating. and in the beginning I only knew her a month so some would say it wasn't cheating. but if I am dating someone, I date that person only. we got engaged in May when I went home so then it would have certainly been. But I would never have been able to live with myself.
    Once a cheater, always a cheater. The SO should get as far away as possible from this person

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  • Probably she should seek some therapy and marriage counselling, or get treated for Sex addiction... Contrary to popular belief sex addiction is very much a thing and it is quite prevalent among many people too... Since she separates sex from love it becomes more easier for her to have sex outside of marriage, so if her sex addiction could be curbed her serial cheating ways could also be controlled

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  • The main issue that keeps a good marriage together is trust. That's the key ingredient to most productive relationships. Without that, The situation is dead in the water. What it really comes down to is this. How long is he willing to put up with it before his trust in her is gone? That's the key.

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  • Simply end relationships before you get into another one.
    Or do you have some psychological issues in terms of attention and validation seeking

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  • She needs to understand why she's cheating. What need is she attempting to meet via cheating? What is she emotionally feeling before and during?

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  • don't be in a relationship. since she's married, instead of sleeping around, why not just have sex with her husband more? how is someone's go to move in a marriage to find a guy and sleep with him? she knew she had commitment problems, why commit in the 1st place then? if it's really that troubling, get a sex therapist and/or shrink.

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    • Hindsight is 20/20 - i probably should have added that it's just one man, from her past, who had a huge impact on her. She has not felt this way about any person since him. She desires this feeling and only he'll do, but he'll never commit the way she needs him to. Its been going on for almost ten years.

    • holy shit, how'd she go that long without the dude finding out? he must be hella stupid (at least oblivious). but that makes more sense. you sounded like she was whoring around for cheap 1 night stands. i'm giving you the benefit of the doubt by saying that you haven't known about it too long. well, if you know about it and she isn't gonna stick up for herself and stop, you should probably butt in and tell the dude to piss off. either that or you make an ultimatum: either she cuts it off or she tells her husband. if she refuses for whatever reason, then you threaten to tell him. it's tough love, but it's necessary. that's not ok.

What Girls Said 3

  • If she's too selfish to realize how much she's hurting him she shouldn't be with him because he deserves better. He's the "one stable part of her life" then fucking act like it. If you love someone you don't cheat on them. She needs to be single and get therapy. There's nothing you can do except support her and encourage her to see someone before she destroys her marriage, her husband, herself, and others.

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  • simply don't have a relationship

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  • How about next time your friend wants to cheat, she should stop and think about her husband. You say he's a stable part of her life. When thinking about her husband, she should imagine him with her as she's cheating. What would he say or do if he knew? If she loves her husband and wants to be with him, she should think about his feelings. She can also picture her life without him and decide if cheating is worth it based on that.

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