How long should I wait to contact my ex boyfriend after he broke up with me?

A few days ago, out of no where, the guy I've been dating for about 4 months sent me a 3 page email saying how he wants to back this down to being just friends for now. He recently has been offered a great opportunity to play in a popular band, which means between practices and shows, 6 nights a week are taken. He says that even though I've said I'll be patient and understanding, he feels it's hurting him and me because all he wants to focus on now is his music, where as all I'm wanting to do is progress our relationship. He swears up and down that likes me a lot and has a lot of interest in me, but with the schedule situation it wouldn't be fair to me because he can't give me more right now. I believe him when he says all he wants to do is focus on music, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. He says how he wants to see me and talk to me but he is in no place to date because of his selfishness. I was totally shocked that he wanted to end it because he had been acting like nothing was wrong...he called, texted, emailed me all the time...even that day right before he sent that email! The weekend before, he took me to meet his second family, which I was completely flattered by. I do believe he has a fear of commitment and a fear to let himself be intimately close...and I almost feel that he was feeling like he was falling, so he had to break it off immediately. Even one of his friends messaged me wondering what was going on...because he never acted like we weren't dating when he saw him. His friend mentioned that my ex sabotages good things in his life, and always realizes it, but then it's too late. I feel our connection is strong...stronger than any other person I've been with. I want to give him his space. I'm not going to wait forever, but I feel that I am willing to wait for a bit to see how everything unfolds. Let time give us both some clarity. We didn't leave our last conversation on a bad note at all, so I'm wondering when is it ok to contact him just to say hi and to see how the new band thing is going? This all just happened a few days ago...I was thinking about 10 days is a good time for me to be feeling less emotional, and plus a good amount of time for him to cool down. Some relationship "experts" say at least 3 weeks. I feel that is too long. I'm not trying to beg for him to come back but I also don't want to be playing a silly game of pretending he doesn't exist. I feel that is a total slap to what I felt we had in our relationship, and plus continue to feed into his insecurities of not wanting to give in emotionally to anyone because they'll just forget about him when times get tough. I just want to show that I'm respecting myself and am not going to just only be available when it suits him because I deserve more, but also show that I have enough respect for him to understand that pressuring the situation will only get me further behind. Guys what do you think?

Updates:
I also wanted to add in that I am 24 almost 25. He is 33 going on 34. We both work full-time and live in a city. I'm really looking for some insight, please!

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What Guys Said 1

  • Well, he dumped you. That sucks. At least that part is over, though. He gave you the reasons why he was dumping you. That was actually pretty cool with him and saved you the internal agony of wondering what the hell you did wrong. So that's good, too.

    Honestly, I'd continue on living your life and forget about him. If it is meant to be it is meant to be. But he has made it clear that that he doesn't have time for a relationship right now, and sadly you don't really have a say in that. Sooooooo...

    Number out of your phone, off your Facebook and MySpace and twitter, pictures off the wall. Right now, it's over. It's done. The sooner that you realize that, the sooner you can continue living your life.

    Good luck, sister!

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